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Posts posted by hockeyma

  1. You just go day to day - survival mode for the first bit. In retrospect that is what I did. I have been without my husband now for 8 1/2 monthes. I find it harder now. I go on the www.ywbb.org alot - I find that helpful. As far as the treatments and tests being for nothing...take it to another realm. This might sound really stupid - but before Gerald was diagnosed with cancer I knew literally nothing about cancer.. Any kind of it. I hadn't seen anyone or known anyone on chemo or radiation that I was close to. I learned alot - about many things. Medically - I carried a brief case with me to the specialists - they asked me what I thought. Now I can be of help to others. Spiritually - Gerald was blessed to have a spiritual healer work with him on a weekly basis. She became a very close friend. I have contact and have had chacra healings with her - so for me also there has been some spiritual development. Gerald's illness and all of the stuff we did - carepages...now facebook have brought in my opinion some of the family and friends closer together. I hate the quote "there is a reason for everything" - cause it seems so unjust that our family have to die..but somehow I guess we have to look at that and try to find an acceptable reason. "It was their time" - is also a sad expression - but if it hadn't have been this way - could it have been a more brutal or heart wrenching way. I can't give you an answer. Stay strong and brave. If you need help go and get it. When being a care giver you do go through some sense of a traumatic experience if you have never faced anything in your life like this before. I am seeing my doctor on Wednesday about post traumatic stress disorder. Not sleeping - to many bad dreams - and the feeling of unfairness are still there hugely for me so you are not alone.

    Take care.


  2. yes yes yes.

    I have had bells palsy and atrial fribulation - both of these ultimately were from anxiety and stress. I am on anxiety pills now which I guess is what has curtailed any of the above happening to me again since Ger got sick and passed. Post tramautic stress disorder is sometimes something that happens to caregivers whom have lost a loved one. Don't know if this fits here for you but I am having more symptoms now than I was 8 monthes ago. Heather

  3. I agree - the Did they smoke - question drives me up the wall. Doesn't matter either way. They aren't here - and they had cancer and we have to find a solution. Yes people are very insensitive. And people think that after a few monthes all the pain goes away. Well it doesn't and it is such an adjustment period. Everyone grieves in their own way and others should respect that. Take care,


  4. Congrats Teri on doing the walk. I think in a way it is good too cause you will meet others like the lady who lost her husband in '99 that have experienced what you have. I did the relay for life in May - it may have been a bit too soon after Ger's passing to get so heavily involved - but it was a good experience and I will continue to for years to come. Heather

  5. Hi

    Welcome to the board. I had Bell's Palsy before - I can't believe that they didn't check your husband out more thoroughly - there are many other signs for Bell's than just a drooping mouth. Anyways....be as positive as you can. This is a great place to be for information and support. I hope you get an agressive doctor who doesn't dream up "what might be wrong". Push for all the scans you possibly can and request a copy of the reports for every one of them. Take care, Heather



    I am very sorry and so sad to hear about John. You both were so very supportive for me when Gerald was diagnosed and going through his journey. I wish you strength and if there is anything that I can say or do to help you and your kids through this don't hesitate to email me please. Heather

  6. Katie

    It is really hard. It was like that with my grandmothers home. My sister and I were the only ones who really cared - there were so many fond memories. But memories last forever and you can't destroy them. I closed the door on my house today...the house Gerald and I built 6 years ago. We built the house together - planned it all....landscaped it - loved in it, fought in it. Had great times with our family, friends and children. As the house was emptied and packed over the last few days I had a really hard time. However - today with just a few things left to do I took the time to go up to the sugar shack and read

    the balance of the journal I wrote when he was sick. I had gone up and read most of it there when he died but I hadn't finished. I finished and read...and went back to the house. As I walked each room alone for the last time - and closed and locked each door - I realized that the house is just a shell...just like our bodies are shells of our souls. Empty it is nothing - it is what is in it that counts. These memories of yours are the "house". Try to think about it that way and maybe it could help. Thinking of you as I go through this too. Heather

  7. Hi

    I am sorry that your sister has gotten to this point. She says she isn't giving up - so the best thing that you can do is support her and listen to her. My husband never talked about anything else but hope. So we didn't talk about what if. By the time it got to the point that him not getting better was inevitable his brain met had doubled and he was hallucinating. Just at the beginning of that I talked to him and asked him if he was ok with everything if it didn't work out (sounds like a dumb question) - and he said yes for him but he was worried about me and the kids - I told him it would be ok and that we would be ok. The doctor said that he needed to know - that he needed to feel that if he was going to go that it would be ok. There is a fine line of watching and supporting someone who is in pain and suffering and wanting them to go on for yourself. I hope I am making sense - I just know that the best you can do is help her to feel comfortable and at ease and secure. My best to you and your brother in law and family. Heather

  8. Debi,

    I was always amazed at how strong you and Tony both were in this fight. When I started going on this board when Gerald was diagnosed I thought - if Tony could do it he could too. Your responses to my posts were always very supportive and helpful. Your love for your husband shone through everything that you did for him to fight this awful disease. You will have some very hard days ahead - and you will be so lost not only cause you have lost your wonderful husband but because your days of caregiving will now be void. I wish you the best with this struggle and if you ever need to talk please email me. Wishing you strength in this difficult time. Heather

  9. I have to tell you that today is one of the worst memorable days of my life. This is the day that Gerald was diagnosed with cancer. There are 4 D's you know....I figured this out while posting on another board today - diagnosis, disease, digression and death....and they all are so so sad. Somehow I will get through this day and the next 5 1/2 monthes with certain days and events - like biopsies, chemo - etc. There were good days and bad days....most days he was in sooooo much pain. Rambling a bit but just hoping some of you can offer me some help in getting through the next 5 1/2 monthes of these mentally stressing anniversaries.


  10. Nova,

    I know there was a point in time when Gerald just kept to himself. We had rushed him into the hospital and he was admitted - this was the point where he had to get put on the oxygen 24/7 and the pain was so strong. He huddled in the hospital bed - almost in a fetal position - wouldn't talk hardly at all, if he wasn't really sleeping - he faked it....even if there was company - which there was lots of. It was like he had given up. My sister in law and I rode with him in the ambulance every day to Sunnybrook for his palliative radiation (he wasn't to know that lest he give up hope). I not only believe - but I know - that this was when he came to terms in his heart and soul with what was happening to himself. He looked scared shitless but he wouldn't tell anyone what was going on in his head. After about 5 days and me finally freaking out in the ambulance ride - he decided to get up out of the hospital - and without revealing to us - live what he knew he had left. He had to get out of the hospital - no if ands or buts. We never did talk about no hope nor about him dying until about 2 weeks prior - and that was just for me to ask him if he was ok if something happened - to which he replied yes - but he was just worried about me and the kids. I told him we would miss him like crazy but that we would be ok. Maybe Harry is just coming to terms in his own heart and soul with what could happen to him. Ger and I went to a spiritual healer and that helped him greatly. If you could find one of them or a Reiki person and Harry was open to it - it may help. I pray that Harry beats this disease and I am not trying to depress you - I am just trying to let you know my experience.


  11. Teri

    I had the same feelings as you - regret, maybe that I could have done more - would have, should have...etc. You did all that you could and the main thing was that you were there for him. Although we did all physically possible to rid the disease we can only do what we can do and unfortunately nature takes its course. I know that when Ger looked at me as he passed that he was ok with me and what we had and what we did. If it is any consolation to you - you are not alone with these feelings. And - yes - another nick name for that insurance cheque is "blood money" and I felt like I had traded Ger for a cheque when I got it - but you know there are alot of women/men out there that are not prepared and do not have that to back them up. He is looking after you and watching out for you now - just as you looked after him then.

    Kindest regards and all my best thoughts,


  12. I have learned over the last 6 monthes that you can only try so hard to please and do your best for everyone. When Ger died I believe I made all the right moves with funeral arrangements and burials. What I learned during that time was that some family are more into it being about them - instead of their loved one or even myself and our children. There are still even being 6 monthes now and almost a year since diagnosis that choose to separate themselves from us. Maybe they just can't deal with their own grief. Maybe they are afraid of me moving on. My only advise to you is that as long as you truly believe that you have done your best please have no regrets as to what they might think. It is hard losing family as you have already lost your good friend....you don't have to move on - but you need to be happy too.


  13. People can be sooooooooooooooooo stupid when they say things. I think I would have just looked at them and said "is something wrong with you?" Wow!!

    People in general die - some slowly some quickly - some in a year - some in 80 years....I believe my husband, even though he didn't make it - got more of a chance to appreciate life when he was diagnosed. For his short time he was able to acknowledge and recognize the importance of family and friends as well as the beauty of all that surrounded him. Most of us in our busy lives forget to do that. That is my anology for the day.


  14. I find that I am dreading October 2nd to March 20th and any day of significance in between is those are the dates of Ger's diagnosis til his passing. I am having a hard time focussing and the loneliness of it all is the worst. But gotta keep plugging away at work and selling my house and building a new one - and keeping the kids happy. I have already gone by Ger's Birthday and our anniversary since he has been gone. And....I hate long weekends. Hope you keep your spirits up this fall. Heather

  15. Anne,

    You will find over time that you just have to learn to ignore these people. Not only did we go through the death of a spouse but we spent numbers of monthes from a diagnosis point searching and hoping. Some of my husbands family are just awful when it boils down to it. They are grieving in their own little box and not even thinking about how myself and my children feel - and that is still happening today as much as it was 4 1/2 monthes ago. Just do what you need to do for you. Be fair to yourself and if you need help try the young widow message board or a support group. It takes an awful lot of energy to go out every day and be cheerful and by the end of the day I am exhausted. All the best. Heather

  16. Katie

    In the last 10 years I lost my dad suddenly at the age of 63 and my brother suddenly at the age of 32 and my husband slowly at the age of 42 to cancer. Sometimes I feel like death at fairly young age likes to knock on my door. For each one of those losses there were and still are days when I think that what if they were here and would I be doing things differently. With the loss of my husband Gerald especially I feel like I am moving ahead without him more than ever. We never talked about him dying too much. He did tell me a couple of things when he was diagnosed....that he would want me to marry again and that what I purposed to do with his body if something should happen was ok. Everything else that I am doing now is physical motions....building a new home, selling his truck, planning a trip. Spiritually he is still around me as are my brother and my dad. Just remember that your mom is with you too. She won't ever be gone and although you don't see her nor can you touch her that her spirit is near and she will always be a part of you. I believe many of our decisions are guided by those we have lost. Think of it that way. Sometimes when I am doing something I look up to the sky. I just say - Hey Ger....you think this is ok?


  17. Hey there...

    Grace I believe that - not that Carlton should have go through the pain of dying from cancer but that he died the way he did so that his transformation would be as painfree for you and the girls as possible I guess. It was weird - you know about 3 weeks before Ger died we were sitting at the table - and I knew it wasn't going to get any better but I didn't know what he did think cause we never talked about the diagnosis much nor his scans - he wanted to know nothing. The family doctor and our spiritual healer had told me that in order for him to go he had to know that we would be ok. I said to him - "Do you think things are going very good?" He shook his head and said no. I said to him "it is ok you know - we will be ok..." to which he said..." it is not me that I am worried about - it is you and the kids" with that I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he was sitting and held him as he cried. This was the first time that he showed sorrow and it was not selfish sorrow but for us. At the table he also said - I see them - they have headbands and feathers - I asked who? - he said "my guardians - there are two"...one of the first signs of real confusion and hallucinating. It was not long after that - that he lost his balance and became more confused and that he died. Whatever happened with the brain met doubling in size even after wbr eliminated his full conscious awareness of his state and affect on us all. I am so happy for that and I believe with my heart that he went that route for a reason. I just thought I would share that with you Grace. All of my thoughts to you and the girls. Heather

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