Snoopyfn

Hi Teri.. I havent posted in a while but I read from time to time...I saw your post and wanted to reply... our timelines are similar and I too had my first holiday without Chris. All in all things went surprisingly better that I had thought. I have spoken to many in this same situation and it seems as though sometimes the anticipation takes more of a toll on us than the actual event. I too spent much time contemplating what to do and what not to do. Thanksgiving Day itself was quiet...just my daughter and I but yesterday we made the trek to my SIL's house...she has a family get together every year at her house..usually 25 people or more.. I wasnt sure if I wanted to be there without Chris. But my daughter wanted to go so we did. I had a talk with my SIL when I was there... when something like this happens... we all have to deal with "firsts" at one point or another....sometimes it is best to just push through it and "get it over with"...I know if I had decided to ignore all of this...then next year would come around and that "first" would still be looming overhead.... All in all it was a good day...there were tears...and fighting back of tears...but there were also happy memories and anecdotes shared which made the day special. I am glad I did it. It is done... and now on to Christmas!! I am glad you seemed to be able to find some peace this weekend.... I wish everyone dealing with their "firsts" the strength to "push through" and hopefully find some amount of peace as well

I am sorry.... I too have been remarking to myself what a difference a year makes! Just one year ago...there was no knowledge of what was to come...it was still 6 months away! my husband has been gone now almost 8 weeks...I can hardly believe it.... I walk around with a big dark cloud over my head...it has been there ever since we got the diagnosis...and it never went away.... I dont know if it ever will.... I was driving home this afternoon and drove by the hospital that I had to take him to several times and his oncologists office is across the street.... on the way home on that familiar route...I started thinking about the last day when we had to call 911 b/c his pain was not being controlled by hospice... I remembered riding in the ambulance to the hospital and how even though my mind knew he was about to die...a big part of me still wasnt believing it.... it was hard today...as everyday.... I am so sorry for your pain... I feel it too!

thank you everyone...I am sorry I havent been on here in a while...so much to deal with... I had my surgery last Wed..it all went very well and I am doing better than I thought I would.. it was certainly hard though right before surgery...I was getting anxious about it all and was trying so hard not to think about my husband not being there....I think I would have started balling if I had thought about it too much...I could feel the tears well up...but I made it through... I am off this week...I will be back at work next week...they have been great with everything... this has been one of the most trying times of my life...losing my husband and then having a hysterectomy 6 weeks later... but it is all over... time to heal on both accounts....time to try and push forward... I had to take my ring off for surgery...I havent put it back on yet.... I think I will try and leave it off for now... it is a step I need to be taking... just one of many.... it is so hard to believe that he is gone and it is now 7 weeks tomorrow.... I went to the cemetery on our anniversary...it was a nice day out...I brought flowers...I cried b/c I just thought that he should have been giving them to me...not me bringing them to put on his grave.... it all seems unfair....life goes on.... thank you again for your concern and support....

I ...I know i havent been on here much.... I have been posting to the YWBB and it has been helpful.... I am doing okay for the most part... some days/moments are better than others... tomorrow will be especially hard for me though... it is our 9th wedding anniversary and the 10 anniversary of our first date! I actually have to work tomorrow... but will only work 1/2 day as I plan on going to the cemetery and bring flowers and maybe sit for a while... it closes at 5 so I need to get there before then... this next week will be tough for me as well... I had a surgery sched in April when my husband got sick...I had to postpone it...so.. now it is sched for Wed and will be even harder for me b/c he wont be here to support me through it!!

they may use the college info for statistical purposes... it is on my husbands too... but even on my birth certificate it asked my parents professions...and that was 44 years ago almost... his death cert. also has my husbands profession etc... but his reason was listed as "metastatic lung cancer" that really is an important document..it needs to be right... the mortuary said every thing was important to be correct when they had me check that info... that comment about the cigarettes reminded me of a question on the request for his life insurance... they asked that too... and it was a standard question...like no matter how they died they wanted to know if he used tobacco products in the last 3 years.... I thought that was odd to ask.. and I thought...what diff does it make now? this insurance was b/c of work and it was automatic and there were no qualifiers or med exams for it.... they should have asked that before.... but someone said it might be just for statistics....so they can do their rates in the future etc etc.....??

I just wanted to say hi... I am one week out past you...3 weeks tomorrow...it is all still so new to me as well....very hard to believe.... I am glad that you have someone to help you through this time... this is definitely a big adjustment... I havent liked filling out paperwork as well... many times the only options are Single/Married/Divorced ... technically I have to say single..but that bothers me..just b/c it nullifies his existance... I still havent figured out why Divorce is an option but not widowed.... 50% of marriages end in divorce..so the other 50% end in death.... I dont want to say single..I want people to know that there was someone who loved me and I loved him....sigh... ((((TERI)))))

I know that I was told it would be 8-12 weeks I think or 6-10? for the marker....until then they will have a flag at the site durin his memorial service on Friday....we are not having the interment then....that isnt sched yet... i dont even think the cremation is done...he said maybe tomorrow...I dont want to even think about it.... the cemetery he will be at states that on Tues they take up the flowers...so 1 week is the longest they will ever be there...not sure what yours says but you might want to check on that.... there def isnt much maintainence unles syou do it yourself...we saw someones marker on a hill and you could tell it was sinking....I felt bad for that person..... I am sorry it is taking so long...we all want closure with this part of the process... our anniversary is Aug 17..I dont think my husbands will be done then...I will have to hope it is done by Sept 29th..his birthday....

I wasnt here then but I can tell from this and teri's post was a great and special man he was... I am sure he will truly be missed.... i am sad I didnt get the opportunity....

I SO get what you are saying...all the things we shared...they are all spoiled now...as much as I enjoyed them then...how can I now... yes...the inside jokes...you never had to say anything...something would happen and you both would just smile....I will miss that so much...I think about it all the time...we had TONS of them it has only been less than 4 days and yet seems like an eternity....

fillise.. Actually a good hospice company should tell you what to expect up front... the second one gave me a whole lot of literature on what to expect from them and what they expect from you etc etc... the first one didnt... and in dealing with the second one...they were everything I expected hospice to be and I know tht I wasnt crazy in my expectations.... I should not have the last memories of my husband be of him screaming for help... he was extremely weak as it was...so it was even harder to hear... everyone Wednesday from the time we called 911 through to coming home and his passing was OUTSTANDING.... if any of you are in CA and need hospice...it was Hospice Care of CA... they have a website.... the BAD one was St. Joseph Hospice... Never never never use them.... thank you all for your kind words... i just got back from the cemetary/mortuary making final arrangements.... I just did this for 3 hours a couple of weeks ago thinking it would help and it was still another 3 hours today!!!crazy... but it is done...next friday @1:00

I now understand when people say they dont cry b/c they know they might not be able to stop... I have been crying off and on all day long but I turn it off and try to keep myself busy... it hasnt been 24 hours yet... I am just starting to really realize how hard this is going to be and how much I will miss him.... it is also hard b/c I just spent 4 months being his primary caregiver AND taking care of all of the house duties and my job (I worked at home till a month ago)and then the past week was incredibly hard with how much he needed me and how little sleep I got...not I dont know what to do with myself... I was going to take a couple of weeks off work to get things done and even though that I would go ahead and take care of the surgery I needed in April...but..I dont think I could stand to see another hospital for a long time... anyway... I am thinking I am going to go nuts here fast and should just take care of what I can next week and just go back for now... I mean...I sit here and realize i have no plans Saturday...just a small thing Sunday and not much druing the week until the Service... I did make an appt with Soc Security for my daughters benefits...I just feel like I want all of this "stuff" over and done with so I can move on... I know we are all different... I told SIL's that not to be surprised if you came back in week and the whole house was redecorated! I dont want a bunch of reminders... I know some want everything the same... I dont feel that way...I already cleaned the room he was in and removed all trace of medical supplies etc!! ....although if I change everything I am afraid that I will be sad that I did b/c that will be further proof that nothing will ever be the same again... I just really didnt think I would have to be dealing with somehting like this at 43!!! my daughter will prob keep me busy for the next couple of years but then she will graduate and I will be alone again.... I had him almost 10 years (married almost 9) but now I face a possible40-50 without.... it is just too much to deal with right now.... I know this is long...I just needed to get it out!!! I miss him so much already!!!!

thank you all so much... it is all over though... he passed away last night at 11:25... it got worse before it got better... they promised us a a pump by the end of the day Tuesday...but then they didnt do it and told me to up his valium! and tht the DR didnt think he was in pain that it was agitation!!! so yesterday morning a nurse got there and heard him and said.. "he's not aggitated he's in pain! DUH!!!!!!! to make a long story short...we called hospice dr again to see what was going on and that we wanted to know in one hour or else we were calling 911... they called back about 1 hour later and said that nothing was going to be done till the Dr came out to see him after 3:00!!!!!!!! so we called 911 and I reall didnt want to...I promised him he wouldnt have to go back to the hospital but was left with no other choice... they stabalized him in 20 min.... then about 2:00 we talk to another hospice and within 90 min...their equipment was in our house and they worked it out with the old co to get theirs out...there was a dilatid pump that would be there by 8 and a nurse for the pump and an LVN for 24hr ctrical care and it only makes me so sad that we didnt have them before....they did more in 90 min for me than I had gotten in a whole month with the other.... it didnt have to be like this!!! anyway we stayed at the hospital (which was great about giving him pain meds and ativan) until everything was ready at the house... then we transported him back home... we knew it would be soon...and it was only about an hour later...I knew he was waiting to get home....the new hospice was so great to do all of that for us for only a couple of hours of time.... I am certainly going to write a letter to a medical board somewhere and file a formal complaint!!! I told the new hospice people I didnt the memeories of my last hours with him to be of him in pain and screaming....and his last hours on earth to be so awful as well...he didnt deserve what they did to him!! he was dying for God sakes and they are spending two days to decide what medicine to give him!!!!!!!????? and they decided he wasnt in pain!!! I was the one with him 24/7 for the past 4 months...I think I know what is going on... plus... dont you think the first clue was he couldnt swallow his ms contin and it was 200mg... so all of the sudden they deemed that unnecessary??!!! I did want to address a comment about giving it rectally... there was no indignity in my part..I am not sure that was what was inferred...but... my husband was acutally a big guy even after the weight loss and by the time this happened he was almost dead weight...yesterday morning the lvn that was here AND my SIL who is also a nurse could barely turn him and on top of that he was in sooooo much pain they could only get one in...and that was after several tries... I dont mean to sound mean but... how do you think I could have done that by myself?? I am not medically trained for one..and I have a herniated disc... if two trained nurses cant roll him over and get it in..how could I??? anyway...it was a long dy and I am trying to keep busy and not think about it too much..there is too much to do and call that need to be made..they are coming fo rthe equipment today and I will be getting a call from the mortuary about signing the papers... It will be hard to go from being needed 24/7 to nothing...(other than "normal" life) thanks again for your concerns...

to make a long story short... hopsice has not been as involved as I thought they would be... now on top of everything... my husband has started declining rapidly... they have suggested palliative sedation....they want to start it tonight...as hard as this is..it needs to be done...he is having respitory problems etc etc..I know it is the right thing...he looked so bad last night though I was hoping he would pass BEFORE this kind of thing had to happen...but alas no... they will be here late this afternoon...anyway..I was told that they are going to TRY and get continuous care for me...but couldnt guarantee anything...and if they dont..I will have to administer some of his drugs and they are suppositories! I am frustrated b/c here I am dealing with the inpending death of my 47 yr old husband seeing him wither away to a shell of what he used to be and listening to him suffering..and now I will have to deal with giving these drugs as well?? I have had hardly any sleep for 3 days and I have to deal with this stuff...I cant get my head around the fact that we are actively doing something that will take away his communication with us FOREVER!!! I realized the outcome is the same but....I didnt want to be making this kind of decision!!!... I only have a few hours left "with him" and he is already mostly out of it... oh and also... he cant swallow his meds now so he has not morphine in him except roxinol and I have been having to crush valuim to go with it... we had to call the fire dept to get him in the bed...but there are no rails yet and he keeps fighting to get up...and he ALMOST can... I moved stuff away from the bed so if he managed to get up and fall he wouldnt hit his head... but anyway... this is my last hours with him...when the nurse was here he was fighting with both of us about tryign to get up... so after that... the nurse LEFT me here alone with him!!!!!!!!!!!!! he has since tried several times to get up...and it call ing now... I have to go.... I am so appalled at this whole thing!!!!! I am also scared... please pray for him/us

thank you all for your replies... we are on hospice so going to the Dr to see what it is probably isnt an option and not really necessary...i was just trying to get an idea of what is going on we had a REALLY rough night last night...no sleep... he was having SOB and a lot of plegm he cant seem to get out...he was also antsy b/c of this and kept getting up..unfortunately he is soooo weak now that if he gets up I have to too! so I got no sleep as he was up every 20 min or so to get food or switch where he was sitting etc etc... on top of all of this he fell TWICE yesterday....once right in front of me b/c he keeps trying to move too fast... he went face first into the carpet and has a "strawberry' around his eye... he also has an extremely large bruise on his leg but that was either from somethig else of the first time he fellb/c it was already there.... it is getting larger and larger...kind of worried about it..and his legs and feet are so swollen from edema it is almost hard to look at...he doesnt keep them up like he should...then he tries to walk around the house when he shouldnt and gets extremely SOB even with O2 set at 5! He knows he is doing this and making it harder on himself but he does it anyway...and he is making it doubly hard on me! trying to follow him around and anticipate his every move etc etc... he can sit/eat etc etc whenever he wants but I cant b/c I an "babysitting' him....so I have NO sleep whatsoever....and I can only hope that tonight will be better... I really couldnt get breathing under control and it is tough.... had to call hospice this morning about all of this...a bit frustrated b/c it took over 30min for someone to call back... then she called the Dr and then called back to increase some meds and frequencies.. the MS Contin and the Valium....she also said that she would send someone over but didnt know when they could get here... it has been over 4 hours on that....is this pretty typical for hospice?? what if this had been a bigger emergency?? on top of all of this...I think he is losing some short term memory..I will give him his meds and then within 10 min he has asked for meds being insistant that he needs them! Also today a few times his arm or leg would start shaking and he told me it wasnt him doing it! So that isnt good either..... i gave him his increased dosage of meds about an hour ago and he is sleeping for the first time...thank heaven!!! I really need to sleep but cant...I am just trying to take advantage of the quietness...and trying to get a few things done around here... my daughter had a clinic for her synchro group and so she is busy and now at a friends house... i am just waiting mainly for Hospice to call... this is all getting tough...really tough....and I am pretty sure it is gonna get a lot worse! Any helpful thoughts or ideas would be great right now

that is so great to hear! Good news is ALWAYS welcome!