Tk

Hi Teri, Just thinking of you and Mrs. Dickens today and hoping you are both doing well. Did you start your new job? Hugs, Tk

Teri, We will all be thinking of you and Mrs. Dickens tomorrow. Please let us know how she does with the surgery. Given her young age, I think you have made a good decision to give her the best chance for some more quality time with you. You both deserve that. I'm glad you have found some support groups to help you through it. It always helps to hear from others who have faced the same situations, just like this group is so helpful to those of us who had to face lung cancer. Take care. Love and prayers for both of you. Tk

((((( Leslie ))))) I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. I know that pets are just as much a part of the family as people are, and it is so hard to lose them. It is especially hard as it was a connection to your mom, too. Thinking of you, Tk

((((( Teri ))))) I also had a dog that was diagnosed with bone cancer, but he was 12, much older than your Mrs. Dickens. I know you must be hurting on so many different levels. She is a connection to Bill for you, as well as being your companion and best friend. You have mentioned her so often in your posts and I know how much she means to you. Has the doctor given you any treatment options? I know sometimes none of the choices are very good. I am so very sorry you are having to go through this. Please let us all know how you both are doing. You have many friends here that understand and care. Special hugs, Tk

I am just sitting here having the biggest pity party today and don't quite know what to do about it. This is my first birthday since losing my husband (9 months tomorrow) and I am feeling so very sad. We always treated birthdays as special days, even the whole week. He would ask me "what do you want to do today?" and we would do something fun - take the train into the city for lunch, go for a ride in our antique car, just enjoy our time together, and he always made this day all about me. I have many well-meaning friends and family who have wished me a good day, but it just isn't the same. I have a few that sent me those funny cards, telling me to have a "great day" - "have fun" - etc. I know it is all meant to make me smile, but in truth, I haven't had a great day since Chuck was diagnosed, going on 3 years ago now. We tried to make the best of a bad situation, but even last year, when he was getting much worse, his family just brought us dinner here at home since he didn't feel up to going out. It was the sign of worse things to come, but we tried to have as good a time with it as possible. To make matters worse, his birthday is also coming up in a couple of weeks. I would rather just ignore the date and pretend it is just another day and muddle through it as I have been doing recently. I am dreading the thought of Thanksgiving and Christmas - those were always such fun holidays for us in better years - now it is just a reminder of the loss. Thanks for listening - I just needed to vent a little and I hate to dump on those who are trying to make me happy today. It isn't their fault, and they don't know how to make me feel better. Neither do I..... Tk

Kaytie, I am not in my 20's or 30's, but I can relate to your post on a couple of levels. I lost my mom when I was 45. I was very close to her and I grieved for her for a very long time. I was also dismayed to hear many of my friends talk about how annoyed they got with their parents, when all I wanted was to have my mom back. I was so lucky to have a husband who understood and told me it was okay to cry and miss her, who held me when I felt bad. He was the only one who really helped me get through it. Now I have lost him, and although I have caring friends and family, I have no one like HIM to help me get through this biggest loss of my life. We were like your parents are now - looking forward to our retirement years to enjoy each other and do all the things we had been saving for in our future. We should have had 15 or 20 more years together. I also get very sad when I see couples in our age group out enjoying their lives - that should be us! It all seems so unfair. As it is for your parents, and for you. For those of you who still have your loved ones, spend quality time together with them while they are able to talk to you. Ask them about their lives, take notes, record their voices. I miss hearing the voices of my mom and my husband more than I could have imagined. I have lots of photos, but very few videos with them speaking. As they get sicker and on more medication, these conversations become very difficult - the thinking process is dulled by pain meds, and you lose the chance to have those important discussions. Tell them how much you love them as often as you can. I think I did that, but wish I had done it more. Each day you still have them with you is special. Do not give up hope. There are other lines of treatment which may give your mom more time. But make the most of the time you have now. Thinking of you, Tk

Teri, I believe I understand the sadness that this time brings to you on the first anniversary of Bill's death. Today is my husband, Chuck's, 6 month anniversary and I am missing him so. It feels that the more time passes, the farther away he is from me and I don't want to let him get away. Yet I can't stop the time from passing. I'm sure your trip to England will give you many conflicting emotions as well. More letting go, and that is so hard to do. The support of his family may make it easier, but there is no way to avoid the reason that you are there. Thank you for always being so supportive to all on this site. I wish you some peaceful time among all the sad days. Hugs, Tk

Your writing is so lovely, Lily. You and Johnny shared a very special, if way too short, time together. I hope that someday I can be in a such a place of peace and acceptance that you seem to have found. I still have that "lost" feeling most of the time. It is not quite six months for me, it seems sometimes he has been gone much longer, but then why does it still hurt so much? Thank you for sharing your anniversary thoughts with us here. Tk

Thanks for sharing the joy of your weekend, Teri. I think it gives all of us some hope that there is still some happiness possible. You are much farther along this process than I am, and "happy" is something I haven't felt in a very long time. I do find myself able to smile and laugh in small doses before the sadness descends on me again. Maybe that is a small step to finding some happiness at some point ahead of me. You are fortunate to have these great friends who have adopted you and made you feel a part of their family. That is a real blessing. I hope you have many more good times ahead. Tk

Thanks so much for your kind and encouraging words, Lilyjohn. You write beautifully and make some very good points. It is good to hear that I am not alone in my thinking. Sometimes it does feel that way to me when I hear others talking about starting a new relationship. I still feel very connected to my husband in my heart. I am not ready to let go of that feeling yet, maybe never. I just miss him so much.

Thank you for responding and making me feel welcome. I don't think anyone really "gets it" until they have been there, too. I am in a couple of support groups which have both been very helpful to me. One is only 10 weeks long and just about over now. The other one is on-going and I am making new friends in both. One thing that has bothered me is that there is much talk about moving on to new relationships, particularly the men who have lost their wives. I find that I can't even consider another man in my life at this time in any role except as friend. I'm not sure I will ever be able to achieve the same level of love and closeness that I had with my husband - we were together so long and always very close. Some of these people have only been widowed a few months - how is it possible to move on so quickly? Sometimes I think maybe there is something wrong with me for feeling the way I do and being unable to consider someone else as a partner. But I just know it would be wrong for me now. Teri, I also went through the manic phase in the first few weeks. I went into a cleaning frenzy, getting rid of all the medical equipment, rearranging the furniture, sorting his clothes. Now I can't seem to do anything at all. My grieving also became more intense after the first few weeks and I have been feeling my emotions just barely below the surface, very fragile. I have been very resistant to making any decisions at all, and doubting myself when I do try to take any actions. I took a big step (for me) and adopted two dogs from the local animal shelter. I've always had dogs and we lost our last one over two years ago and I felt like I needed the company (I live alone). But I found myself wondering if I was making a mistake and maybe I wasn't stable enough to take on that responsibility. Just last week I made another decision to have some work done on the landscaping in the yard. I really miss being able to talk these things over with my husband. We always made decisions together and he was so logical and supportive. I miss that so much. No one else can fill that role for me. I do have other friends and family who are supportive, but I don't think they truly understand how deeply his death has affected me. I have always been considered a strong person, and I'm sure they still think of me in that way. But I don't feel strong at all anymore. I feel like a large part of me died along with him and I will never be that strong person again. I feel like I am just rambling now and feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for listening. It is good to be where people understand.

I have been visiting this site for a few weeks, mostly in the "grieving" forum. I lost my husband in January from NSCLC and am searching for a new path for myself, and for those who can understand the total devastation I feel. Watching him lose his hard-fought fight was heartbreaking for me, the worst experience I have ever had. I find that trying to learn to live without him is almost as difficult. I guess I'm just looking for some support from people who have been facing the same trauma.