[So, I'm replying to a post, and it gets me wonderin'...]

there are some pretty interesting 'usernames' here, and I'm figuring based on some of them-namely my own-that many of us use a nickname of some sort...so if you are willing to share, I'd LOVE to hear the background of some of these names. Also, if yours is not a nickname, but just a username for this site, what made you come up with it? I figure sharing some of this info. will be interesting, and telling...

I'll start. My birthname is Debra, I've always been called Debi by everyone, except for by one of Dads best friends-his name is Tony-and he has called me Debaroo since I was a small child...he still does, and it is fine by me...he has made up little sing songy ways to say it: His kids, my friends, Danielle, Annemarie and Michael use the variation: Debaroo-roo, and Tony has been known to refer to me as: Debaroo-I-A (not sure what that one is about). Anyway, Tony has been calling me Debaroo for roughly 30 years, now. He was so surprised when I told him my 'handle' on this site. It is actually a term of endearment, as our families have always been VERY close.

Well, it might not be too interesting, but thats where Debaroo comes from. So, how about all of you out there? Any interesting anicdotes regarding your user or nick-name? I'd love to hear them. Take care, guys, Deb

PS. don't be embarrassed, you are among friends here...you all remember how delacately we handled DaveG's sorry excuse for a dog-er-rat dog-er, you get it. So, lets hear from you.

[TBone's Pain Control]

Tee Taa, just sending some lovin' your and T'bones way...I hope that they are able to get a handle on the pain, and everything else in time.

If you don't mind my asking, you guys have some interesting 'nicknames' can you tell me how they came about? Just wondering...

T-Bone, hang in there, my friend...we're here waiting for you.. Take care, Deb

[Jerrye our daughter is with God]

All I can do is join my friends and offer you my prayers and condolences...and a special prayer for you and your family to have the strength that you will need to get you through. I am so sorry. Deb

[Duke of Earl - Chapter 69 - Bad News Update]

Ginny, I am sorry that I didn't see this post sooner. I just wanted to let you know that you and The Duke are in my prayers-I wish I could do more. We'll be here-deb

[July 8th]

Karma,

I think it is so great that you went out to celebrate your dads birth and life in his memory, and I bet he was looking down and celebrating with you.

Just because our loved ones are gone is no reason to stop celebrating that they were here and we were lucky enough to have them in our lives.

I hope that you are doing well, and am glad to see you posting. Thank you for your post re: my dads birthday-its weird how their birthdays were 2 days apart-I bet they had alot of similar qualities-maybe they celebrated together.

Take care, Karma, and hope to read more from you. Deb

[Finally got the word.......]

Sandy, great news!!!! Now, go have some fun!! Deb

[It's back................]

Dave,

DON'T GET MAD, GET EVEN!!!!!

Man, those mother f#&%$*! cancer cells don't know who their dealing with !! I can picture them like those roaches in those Raid commercials!!! Screaming and trying to outrun the chemo, and just not making it !

You go all Dirty Harry on those sorry sons of bit@#*! We're right behind you and Karen-you have your Faith-and I have my faith that you can beat this thing!! Take care, and lock and load!!!! Deb

[7/6 Happy Birthday, Daddy-I remember]

Happy birthday Daddy...

Thank you: some of the things that I will never forget:

For all of the times you held my talking view master viewer for me because my hands were too small to hold it myself-I remember.

For always being the one to clean me up when I was little, if I'd gotten sick-and NEVER complaining or getting mad-I remember.

For waking us up at 3 in the morning to leave for our road trip to Orlando, Fla. when we were supposed to leave at 8am-because YOU were too excited-I remember.

For rescuing me when I was in the pool, sitting in a tube that flipped over and I couldn't get out, so you jumped over the side of the pool to save me-I remember.

For sitting with me when I had to do alphabetizing homework in third grade, until I did all of the words right-I was the only kid with a perfect paper and the teacher asked me to help my classmates to understand how to do it-its the only homework assignment that I can remember having, even though I had so many more, but-I remember.

For running out of the house last year and grabbing a yard sign to take on your neighbors dog that came after me when I was trying to get to my car, even when you were sick, you would rescue me-I remember.

For driving me to work at KFC when I was 17 and unhappy and telling me how when you were younger you dreamed of being a pilot, but life had different plans for you...you told me that sometimes you find happiness when you thought you wanted something else-I remember.

For not being embarassed to have a daughter that shaved her head and wore black all the time, and for treating me the same as you always did, with love, because I was still the same little girl that you raised-I remember.

For calling me up practically every night to tell me what a kick you get out of your granddaughters, for calling just to laugh and talk about the cute things that they do-I remember.

For staying at the hospital until I was out of surgery and safely in recovery after my jet-ski accident, which I had on YOUR birthday, until 2 in the mornining-I remember.

For coming to pick me up after the car accident I had on fathers day, and not being mad at me, just grateful that I was OK, and even having a laugh about it "thanks for the fathers day gift, Deb "-I remember.

For walking me down the aisle and telling me in the limo how proud you were of me, and for being genuinly happy on that day and hanging out with my friends at the bar at the reception and just having fun-I remember.

For, at Darlenes wedding, whenever the video-ographer was filming you, saying "hey, Mauro, how are you doing!" EVERY TIME he went to film you, even when he asked you to say a message to the bride and groom,

because he was a friend of yours and moms, we laugh EVERY TIME we watch her wedding video-I remember.

For truly loving and enjoying your grandchildren and every moment that you spent with them and even just the moments you would TALK about them-I remember.

For having the curiosity and enthusiasm of a child when you were being told about the gamma knife, and even during the procedure-I remember.

For really, truly, genuinely, having such faith that no matter what happens, you would be "alright" from the moment of your diagnosis. Even when treatment failed, and you were getting sicker and sicker, you STILL believed that a miracle could happen-and if it didn't you STILL felt that you would be alright because you would be with your friends, God and Jesus...I remember.

Its so strange, I do have so many memories, but when I think about how you were my father for 35 years-I feel like I don't have enough...why? Why is that? Why do the memories seem to be of moments and events and not just the daily things that happened? Why is there just not enough memories? You were my father for 35 years, and I feel like I should remember so much more-I remember too much to type, yet for thirty-five years worth of knowing you, there aren't enough...

But I am the person I am because of you, because of the lessons you taught me-"The time has come, for closing books and long last looks must end. And as I leave, I know that I am leaving my best friend...a friend who taught me right from wrong and weak from strong, thats alot to learn-what? What can I give him in return........But how do you thank someone who has taken you from crayons to perfume, it isn't easy but I'll try---" To Sir, With Love.

I remember. Deb

[HAPPY DANCE]

Ray, so sorry for my late arrival at the party, but I am celebrating with you none the less!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great news RAY!!!!!!!!! Deb

[SandyS....how are you feeling?]

Sandy, sending lots of love and good wishes your way. My dog, Farley, LOVES to kiss, so include him in the slobber swap! Take care...boy it sure it hard to type with all of your fingers crossed. I had my eyes crossed, too, but I almost passed out looking at the monitor ... Deb

[Debaroo where are you?]

Aw, shucks, thanks you guys for all of your encouraging and kind words.

Cathy,

As Andrea said, I'm about an hour from the city by train, but if I were driving-depending on the good ole' long island traffic-it could be a bit longer. I'd LOVE to see you guys!! the only time, so far, that I won't be home is October 9-16th (we're going to Disneyworld again!!!) Other than that-I'm here, just awaiting word from any of you guys. I'd be more than happy to meet you wherever you are-city or wherever.

So, Cathy, Denise, Francine, KatieB, Carleen and Keith, Cat? Don and Lucie? Andrea-you can take the girl out of Long Island, but you can't take the Long Island outta the girl , and ANYONE and EVERYONE-just name the date, maybe we could even get group rates for hotel stays? If you'd like, I'd gladly look into it for you all. Take care, guys, and I am serious about this-hope you are too!!! It sure would be great! Deb

[my father is gone]

Shelly, I have seen your post, and STILL don't know what to say. I was hoping that, in time, I'd be able to articulate how sad I am for you, but the words won't come...but I want you to know that I HAVE been thinking about you. Deb

[My Dad is Free of Pain and Suffering]

Oh, Peggy, I am so sorry about your daddys death. I hope that his words and wisdom continue to comfort you "think positive, baby, think positive"... Deb

[Debaroo where are you?]

Thanks, guys. I've missed you, too. I have been checking in on posts, but after reading about some of the loss lately, I just don't know what to say. Just feeling rather useless and inarticulate. The feelings are there, but there are no words to connect to them. And I'm afraid I'll screw up and end up offending or upsetting someone.

I know that fathers day can't have been easy for you, Cathy, and I wanted to post to you and Katie, and so many others, but as I said above, I can't find the words to match the feelings.

I think that the biggest thing for me lately is feeling that I want to be able to actually MEET you guys!!! But we're so spread out across the country and even the PLANET, that it seems impossible! I swear, If I win the big lotto, the big get together is on ME!!!!

Ok, so, on Sunday I had to send a huge THANK YOU up to my Daddy. My husband and I had gone out with the kids and stopped at the local 7-11 for slurpees and coffee, and I, being me, locked BOTH sets of keys in the car . Thank God my husband can IMMEDIATLY see the humor in pretty much any situation, and we had a good laugh. I called my mom and asked her to bring me the copy she has, but she told me that she didn't have a copy of my car keys, just my house keys (which we needed anyway). I then asked her if she still had one of the 'jimmys' that Daddy made at work (I have done this many times in my youth-and Daddy found it necessary to make a 'jimmy' at work to keep at home for my eventual use-which I DID use it on several occasions). Mom said that she got rid of the jimmys, so I just asked her to bring the house keys, hoping against hope that I'd have an extra car key somewhere at home-knowing full and well that I didn't.

So, Mom pulls up, and loe and behold-Daddy DID have a copy of my van keys on the keychain labeled "Debi: house/van" with my house key copy-he was a VERY organized man, and believed in being prepared for ANYTHING...this included his absent minded little girl and her occasional habit of locking her car keys in her car. The first thing daddy would ask for when a new car was purchased, or a home was for a copy of the keys '...just in case'. Mom and I had a good laugh, and I, my husband and my children yelled a loud, happy, "THANK YOU POPPY!!!!" to heaven.

It was a great day-and made me reflect on how lucky I am to have such an understanding husband, a mother that is STILL willing to drop everything for me, AND, of course, a father so loving and caring that I still get a glimpse of it even six months after his death!!

Thanks, guys, for being here, even when I'm not...thanks for making such a warm, soft place to land when I'm crashing, and for such a joyous festive place when there is something to celebrate! Take care, Deb

[An Update]

Dean, I am so glad that you were able to post and to update us on how you're doing. I havn't been around much, but have thought of you so often, and seeing your post made me smile, despite of the fact that I am sad that your energy levels are down and I hope that the pain is relieved by the meds.

I dont' know what to say, Dean, except that through your journey, I hope that you know that, though not physically present with you, I am thankful and honored that I can be with you through this board. I hope that it makes sense and dosn't offend in any way, I'm feeling rather inarticulate lately. Please take care, dean, and give Joy a hug, too. Deb

[Update on Lucie & Don]

HAPPY 45th ANNIVERSARY DON AND LUCIE!!!!!!!!

I hope that Lucie feels relief from the radiation really soon, and her results from the PET scan are good ones. I love you guys. Take care, Deb

[Counting on you guys....]

Sandy, you can count on me 110% for prayers for good test results. Take care, and I can't wait to hear of your future motorcycle adventures (I am living vicariously through you!) Deb

[A-B-C's for Newcomers]

OK, Becky, I am printing your ABC list and bringing a copy to my dads/moms oncologists office for handouts!!!! You ROCK!!!!!

Great words of wisdom, great words of advice. You said it all. Deb

[Golfing and boating with God by his side]

Angela, I am so sorry for your loss of your father. I hope that in your memories of your father you and your mother will find comfort. I hope that you feel Gods presence, and your dads-faith is a wonderful thing. Please let us know how you are doing. Take care, Deb

[Some help please!]

cassie, I would also like to begin by welcoming you, I am sorry that you have to be here, but it is a good thing that you found us-the information and support here are invaluable to me.

Now, regarding the brain mets, depending mostly on the size of the tumors on the brain-your mother may be a candidate for a procedure called gamma knife-it can be done after radiation (as some people have had the necessity of shrinking the brain mets before gamma knife was possible). My dad had this procedure done on his three brain mets and it was amazing how it worked.

Gamma knife is radiation that actually is so precise that any healthy brain tissue is left unharmed. The 'rays' of radiation are focused soley on the brain mets-done in one session, one target for each met, each dose is specified to that particular met, depending on size.

I was told by the neurologist that they have done Gamma on up to 5 lesions, and on lesions 4cm and less. If the lesions are larger radiation can be done to shrink them first, than the GK would be done. I was told that the location of the mets did not matter, but the shape did-if the tumors were spider-like, than it would not be possible. But more symmetrical shaped tumors would be able to be treated with GK..

The patient can be on steriods (actually, you should be on steriods) before, during and sometime after the procedure, being slowly weaned off of them. Blood thinners could not be used after the G.K. because of the increase risk of annurism-or stroke, my dad did develop blood clots in his leg, and was treated with a 'filter' to protect the heart/lungs from any clot that was to disloge, and 1 baby asprin a day or every other day (I forget) to shrink the clots.

The tumors are virtually killed with the 1 treatment, and are then reabsorbed by the body at the same rate as the rate they were growing in in the first place.

I agree with my friends here that your mothers doctors are not being very pro-active. And I believe my dad was on steriods during chemo, too. Or it may have been Iressa and the steroids...yes, it was Iressa at the same time as the steroids. Iressa is something else you can look into. When it works, it works wonders!

I hope that this was of some help to you, if you need anything clarified, feel free to PM me. I wish you and your mother luck in this fight, it is a battle where knowledge, support and a positive attitude are the best weapons for the first line of defence, with those things to guide you, all things are possible!! Take care, and please keep us posted. Deb

[just when I thought I had a grip on things...]

...I get news that my F-I-L got a 'clean bill of health'-now understand, he was told he had the beginnings of emphazema about 10 years ago, and told that if he quit smoking it would save his life-but he didn't, despite the begging of his children and grandchildren. Now you must understand that he is not a nice man. He is cold, self-centered and, well, mean.

Anyway, I thought I'd pretty much got through Daddys' death alright. I miss him tremendously, but never felt angry or questioned, "why him", until...now...I will probably be thought of as being selfish by some that don't know me, and even cruel-I mean, what kind of person gets angry when someone gets a 'clean bill of health'...but all I thought was "sure, if there were ever nuclear war-this guy and the cockroaches would survive ."

Believe me, I am not proud of feeling this way. My Sister in law called me up to tell me that she went with my F.I.L to his last doctors appt. and the doctor told him that he dosn't need to stay on his special diet anymore (he has heart disease as well), he could 'eat whatever he wants, in moderation-chocolate, etc." So, I said-"maybe the doctor dosn't like your father ." We both laughed.

I have never called the man 'dad' because he is so not a father=even to his own kids-had he been a nicer man, I would...I refer to him by his sirname, always using the Mr. in front, I am not disrespectful.

I mean, this guy had the nerve, after HE asked us where my dad was being laid out the day after Christmas, to complain that it was too far!!! My moms response was, "gee, Jim, we'll be sure to move the location for you ..." he is a jerk.

Anyway, I feel like I'm going backward in the whole grieving process thing. And it is disconserting.

I just read THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN, I wish it were non-fiction, I would love to believe that this is the way things go...anyway, there is a quote in the book that is so wonderful.

"Fairness does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young." I can say that I truly do believe that...but somehow, even knowing this, believing this, is no longer helping me.

So, here I am, stuck...and part of me is terrified that I will be put to another test of faith, just so that God could proove to me, or I could proove to myself, that I DO HAVE FAITH...I have always been afraid of this type of thing...Like God is watching and going, OK, Deb needs to be put to the test, she needs to realize what is important, she needs to be reminded that faith comes from within-so, the sh#@ must be thrown to the fan for her, and she will have to get through it."

I don't know if this is how it works, but that has always been my fear. That when I am taking things for granted, or questioning my faith, God will make something bad happen so that I will see things more clearly.

So, thats where I'm at. I'm sad, I'm angry, and I don't like it. Thats why I havn't been around much, I have nothing left to give. I feel like offering my prayers and support just isn't enough anymore-I am sincere in my offerings of these things, but I feel like right now I can't even comfort myself, so how the heck could I comfort anyone else?

Man, I'd love to hit someone...Just beat the crap out of someone that really deserves it...like a mugger or annoying wimpy guy from Survivor pearl islands that lied to everyone and told them that his grandmother died-how hateful is HE?

Sorry to rant. I hope that you all know that I think about you every day, and offer a special prayer, too. I am sorry that I am in this funk right now. I just have to find a way to trudge through the muck and get back to myself again. Take care, guys, and thank you for 'listening'. Deb

[An Update.]

Dean, don't you know that your posts are worth waiting for???

As for taking time to suck the marrow out of each day...take all the time you want or need, we're here...waiting.

We love ya!!!! Take care, my friend. Deb

[I would ask for a hall pass, but . . .]

Have FUN FUN FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! deb

[Stigmas---COULD BE OFFENSIVE, WARNING WARNING]

My friends father was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. She is estranged from him, he left the family for another woman a long time ago. This friend told me that she had told her mother (who has been divorced from the guy for 30+ years) that if her father makes any mention about his 'poor wife' and kids from his second marraige, she couldn't make any promices that she would not have 'words' with him...her mother got angry and said that she shouldn't say ANYTHING, that "the man has a terminal disease, he's being punished, he's dying of an awful disease" and so she thought her mom was right and wouldn't say anything... Now, me, being-well-me, I HAD to say something...like to hear it, here it goes:

"No offense to you or your mom but thats BullS$*#...my dad was a wonderful man, he was a great father and husband-and he got the same disease that your father has, and he died...and he did NOT DESERVE IT... In fact, I know hundreds of people, some pretty personally, that did not 'deserve' this disease. I know people that have survived it, and are still surviving it-and they never did anything to deserve 'payback' such as this. And as far as the whole 'fire and brimstone' and 'wrath of God, crap, it is just that, crap...your father got this diesease, because he got it...it has nothing to do with the fact that he isn't a good person. If God throws 'terminal' diseases and such to the bad guys, than either his aim is WAYYYYYYY off, or he's got really Crappy judgement...So, if you feel that you need to get a few things off of your chest as far as your father is concerned, do it. Please don't view the disease as punishment-there are way crappier people out there that are in great physical health (now, their spiritual is another story entierly)...now, if you don't want to confront your dad, thats fine, just don't use the fact that he's sick and that that is punishment enough as your reasoning. There is no rhyme or reason to who gets sick or why-if there were, than there'd be no 'bad' people in the world healthy enough to do their evil deeds."

Just my 2 cents worth. You guys are great...and I've missed you all. I'll be around more, but just know that I've thought of you all alot and you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, and keep on keepin' on, Deb

[It just wont get easier, Why?]

Cathy, Sorry I havn't replied sooner, I just havn't been around in a while. I am the same way. I don't get emotional in front of people. I don't want to, when I am upset, I want to be able to be upset and cry and talk to Dad. I don't want someone holding me and telling me everything will be ok-cause 1. if Dad could come back, then everything would be ok, and 2. there is nothing to 'fix'.

My feelings are what they are and I don't want anyone to try to 'calm' me. Most of the time I'm fine, and I talk to Dad throughout the day. But then something will hit me and I'll cry and cry, and miss him terribly.

Not to mention the countless times I'll see some man that for one reason or another reminds me of Dad, I've gone so far as to FOLLOW one guy, because there was such a resemblence from the back of my dad, the way he walked, his hair color and texture, the baseball hat, his clothes...I followed him and just sort of thought that it could be him...that maybe I was the only person that could see him and that it was Daddy. Crazy, right?

Its been five months and I don't know if it seems like forever since Daddy died, or just like yesterday...I relive that morning alot, just the shock that he died without any warning.

The kids are always saying things or doing things that I KNOW Daddy would get such a kick out of...then I think, he IS getting a kick out of it. He knows, he has to know...the bond was so strong, how could something like death break it? It can't, it just can't.

Anyway, I don't know if my post makes any sense, or helps any. Just wanted to say hello, and tell you to know that I've been thinking about you, Cathy, about all of you guys. Take care, deb