An Assortment of Sordid Jokes (R Rating)

[Snowflake]

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably the another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering..............

"Dave, you're a veterinarian..."

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Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

A: 1 US leader

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Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding.

"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

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Q. What do a condom and a Kodak camera have in common?

A. They both capture the moment.

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A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure.

Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate ... And ate ... and then ... she ate some more!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.

But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.

Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead Fly...

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of sh*t.

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Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.

Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

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Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

"Haven't I seen you before?"

== "Nice *ss."

"I'm a Romantic."

== "I'm poor."

"I need you"

== "My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys"

== "I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment."

== "I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about"

== "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."

== "So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it."

== "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute."

== "I want to have sex with her till I am blue."

"I don't know if I like her"

== "She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much"

== "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?"

== "I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"

== "Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."

== "Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"

== "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"

== "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"

== "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you."

== "Get tested."

"I'll give you a call."

== "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot."

== "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends."

== "You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you."

== "Next!!!!"

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol,my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"