Laughter is the best medicine

[Nushka]

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual]

HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on

Governor's Daughter

[imagine that]!

Something Went Wrong

in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[no, really]?

Police Begin Campaign

to Run Down Jaywalkers

[now that's taking things a bit far]!

Is There a Ring of Debris

around Uranus?

[not if I wipe thoroughly]!

Panda Mating Fails;

Veterinarian Takes Over

[what a guy]!

Miners Refuse to Work

after Death

[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!

Juvenile Court to

Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial]!

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,

It May Last Awhile

[you think]?

Cold Wave Linked

to Temperatures

[who would have thunk it]!

Enfield (London) Couple

Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[they may be on to something]!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?

Man Struck By Lightning

Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge]!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[weren't they fat enough]?

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School

Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER......

PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)