Perks of Being Over 50

[Ann]

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run anywhere

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the

room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather

service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them

either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Chapter 2:

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you

to heat the family room this winter, rather than just saying you are not

amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

5. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field

trip to Chippendale's.

Chapter 3:

SIGNS OF WEAR

OLD IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, Let's go upstairs and make love and you

Answer "Pick one, I can't do both!"

OLD IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and

you're barefoot.

OLD IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the

garage door.

OLD IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

OLD IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you

don't have to go along.

OLD IS WHEN.. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the

police.

OLD IS WHEN... Getting a little action means I don't need to take any fiber

today.

OLD IS WHEN... Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

OLD IS WHEN... An all-nighter means not getting up to pee.