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Three years


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Three years ago at this time I was still setting with Johnny holding his hand and talking to him. It had been two hours sense I had watched as he took his last breath. I know that I was in shock. He was gone so quickly and I never expected to lose him like that. He had been doing so much better just a few days before. I think a part of me kept waiting for him to wake up and talk to me.

I kept telling him over and over how much I loved him and that I didn't know how I could live without him. His sons all came one by one and left me alone with him. Still I stayed holding his hand and talking to him. I knew they were waiting for me. I didn't know the way home and it was so foggy. That cold white wall of fog. I can still feel it's chill. I knew that I had to go but how could I leave him there alone? He never wanted me to leave him. How could I leave him knowing it would be the last time?

Somehow I got myself up to go. I kissed him one last time and I kissed his hand. The same hand that only hours before had pulled my hand to his lips and kissed it. It took everything I had to leave him. I looked back one last time then I walked out the door and left him there alone.It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was 8am Monday December 2,2002.

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Lil, I have been thinking of you for the past couple of days, knowing how hard this time is for you. My heart just breaks for you. You and I have always shared almost the same timelines. Yesterday was the first day that Hospice came into out home and I knew the end was near. I'm at a loss for words, as only the heart can get you through times like this. Just know that even though we are across country from one another, my heart strings are truly tied to yours during this time.

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Thank you both. Your words mean a lot to me. After the time of his death passed this morning things did get better. I think it has something to do with hindsight and my memory that is almost too good.

The last days leading up to the hour of his death are just branded in my mind and heart. I remember every minute and every detail. As those days approach it just seems like somehow I should be able to go back. If only I had known what I know now. I saw so many things that should have made me react but even seeing I just didn't realize until it was too late. At any point in time those last days if I had only not been so damn trusting I could have changed things. That is what makes those days so hard. Each minute there was something, a chance for action and I just didn't see in time.

Anyway today was better. When I got to Clair's this morning I kept looking for the Robin to come back. I guess it was sent on the hardest day the day I needed it most. It is just amazing that it was there for so long and out in that terrible weather. It not being there today makes the significance of it being there yesterday even stronger. Again thanks to both of you. Ann just hold on, if I can make it I know that you can. You are so much stronger than I am.

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Lillian, you are stronger than you think.

Despite the pain you feel now, you "have" Johnny in your mind and your memory. And I believe we are eternal spiritual beings. If you can accept that you are an eternal spiritual being, and so is Johnny, then you can hold on to the knowledge that your spirits will reunite, never to be separated again. And in the vastness of eternity, your separation now will seem very small.

Think of your time here on earth as being a missionary to those who need love and guidance during difficult days as physical beings on earth. Other people need you, and that's why you must wait to rejoin your true love.

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