Mammogram Story...LOL

[Ann]

APPOINTMENT... or why I am about to do jail time!!

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!"

This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one

side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room here, strip to

the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I

suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of

36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of

sugar and spice and everything nice... it's Spandex.

We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square

glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and

said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get

everything?"

"Fine," I answered.

I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining

circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding

pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4"

pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off!

"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the

door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so

you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found

me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other

part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or

possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria I replied with as much calmness as possible.

"Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks."

"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been

standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no

attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power

came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch.

Are we upset?"

"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps."