Needing Hope

[Hebbie]

Carleen,

My heart ached when I read your post -- I have felt everything you are feeling as well. My fiance and I should be having the happiest time of our lives planning our wedding and our future --but, instead, I often feel slightly detached, like I'm not really living my life. It is a horrible place to be in. BUT....other days, we move forward with our lives and I get joy out of planning my crazy wedding on a cruise ship this winter, and picking out furniture for the house we are moving into this November. I think that in planning for the future, that we are making the choice to HAVE a future.

I know that you can't be strong every second of the day, (and I'm sure Keith doesn't expect you to!!), but when you can't be that person, give yourself a break and let yourself wallow in the sadness. And then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward with a new day and a renewed fighting spirit! (us redheads are known for our feistyness!!)

I found that the hardest time I had was when I completed treatment. I think because I wasn't actively DOING anything about the cancer. Doctor's said treatment was done and they would do a scan in a month and I was like "uuuuhhhh.......you just want me to sit here like a sitting duck???" I got VERY depressed and actually contacted a counselor at the hospital. That seemed to help. Then, I threw myself into research on nutritional supplements and foods that would boost my immune system. That seemed to give me a sense of "control" again and I feel a little more balanced -- almost like a normal human being!!!

Lastly, I liked what someone wrote above about having a "theme song". When I was in radiation/chemo treatment, my theme song was Mariah Carey's "Make it Happen". I listened to it EVERY DAY as I drove home from treatment. No matter how awful I felt, it always lifted my spirits and I would sing at the top of my lungs like a crazy person! Here's a little bit of the song:

".....I often cried myself to sleep,

but still I had to keep on going.

Never knowing, if I could take it

If I would make it through the night

I held on to my faith

I struggled and I prayed

and now, I've found a way.

If you believe in yourself and know what you want

You're gonna make it happen, Make it happen.

And if you get down on your knees at night and pray to the Lord

He's gonna make it happen, Make it happen."

I send nothing but happy thoughts and prayers to you and Keith for clean scans from here on out. God bless and if you need anything, don't hesitate to e-mail me!

Heather