Needing Hope

[Carleen]

Hello my Friends and LCSC Family,

Sorry I haven't been posting for a while. It would seem that the old saying is true, when it rains, it pours. Everything has been so hectic and stressful in my life lately. There is not one area of it that seems to be going easy. I have been reading posts and praying for everyone, but I have not had the time to interact as I would like.

Keith is doing relatively well. Me, I'm a wreck, and losing faith fast. Keith is currently two weeks out from his last treatment, and he is starting to feel good again. These past few weeks have been really hard with doing chemo and radiation at the same time, but Keith is such a trooper, he never complained once. We have our next CT scan done on the 14th, and will get the results on the 19th. Please pray for us. We could really use some good news, we are still waiting for our first peice of good news. I'm just so scared because after the last scan where they said no progress was made, and in fact the tumor in his neck grew a little bit but caused him a lot of pain, my wonderful man's positive attitude and hope slipped a lot. He used to talk a lot about this being just a bump in the road of his life, and he WAS going to beat this. Now he just says occassionally that he's ok. It's a big difference, and we need to have our hope lifted. We were really looking for the radiation to at least alleviate his pain and shrink that tumor, but it's been a week now since it ended, and the pain hasn't changed. In fact Keith is up to taking almost 75mg Oxycodone per day (is that a lot?). We really NEED to see some improvement Please GOD!!!

Me, what can I say but AAARRGGGHHH!!!! Calgon take me away!

A year ago I took a job transfer because I absolutely loved the manager and the facility director at this location, and really wanted to work with them and be mentored by them. Well, 6 weeks ago, the director got a promotion, which is great for him but bad for me. They replaced him with someone new and inexperienced so things are not going smoothly. But that was ok, because I still had my manager who is caring, supportive and actually a good friend of mine. We've been struggling through all the work and putting in 10-12 hour days. Well, she finally couldn't take it anymore and she quit, last Friday was her last day, and now that I am the only one left who knows how to manage the facilities inventory I am getting dumped on. I am so stressed out and working so much when all I want to do is be home with my arms wrapped around my love. I feel so guilty for every second I spend here, but feel that I need to keep this job because we need the money so badly.

On top of the stress of LC, work, I have been worrying a lot about finances and the future a lot. Last December, Before Keith's dx, we thought we were on the top of the world, and had just bought a 5 acre parcel of land and contracted a builder to build what was going to be our dream home. We knew we had to sell our house to do it, but that was ok. Now, with everything up in the air, our future uncertain, our finances shakey at best, we are still under contract to build this house, so we put our house on the market, and had to do cleaning and repairs all of a sudden to get ready. Well, we accepted an offer yesterday, and I'm happy to have that over with, but now I'm sad and scared. Now what do we do. We are moving to a small apartment to build a house we will have to sell.

I'm a complete emotional wreck. Most of the time I feel hollow inside, like the me I used to know is dead and left nothing but a shell. I look back at my memories of the happy smiling person I was like at a fading picture in my mind. When I do feel, it is usually emotions that I don't like. They are thing totally foreign to me and not like me. I feel angry so much. I feel God has cheated me. I get ANGRY when I see older couples because they got to grow old with the one they love. I HATE to hear people laughing because I can't understand how anyone can feel any joy anymore when I can't even muster feigned contentment. These feelings are alternated by grief, depair, devastation and hopelessness. All I know is that the man I love more than life itself has LC. He is the best person I ever met, he's sweet, kind, caring, empathetic, romantic, funny, smart, dedicated, loyal and loving, and simply my best friend, soulmate, and reason for living. I just don't understand, why him, why not me. He's too young, he's too good. It isn't fair. It isn't right. I love him so much. I don't know what I'd do without him, I can't even bear to think about it. It CAN'T happen. DO YOU HEAR ME GOD!!! PLEASE WE NEED A CURE, FOR MY HUSBAND, FOR ALL OF US!!!!

I feel like I'm going insane. I don't know how much more of this I can take, I sometimes wish I would curl up and die so that I wouldn't feel so much anymore. I hurt so much. I hurt so much because I love so much. Should I be considered lucky? I don't know anything anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I just need some HOPE!!! PLEASE GOD; HEAR ME!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the novel everyone, I guess I've been holding a lot in lately and needed to get it off my chest.

Praying for everyone here, and love you all

[Candy]

Oh Carleen - you need about a million hugs. I can't believe all of what you are having to deal with. You and Keith are so young and should be having the time of your life. I don't have any advice on how to get through it. I only know you WILL get through it because that is what we do. For some reason I get up every morning and get through the day that the night before I was sure I wouldn't make. At the end of the day I crawl into bed and I realize that Hugh and I have actually managed to enjoy parts of it and have had moments of cancer-free enjoyment. I also have times when I am REALLY jealous of other people who are lucky enough to have healthy spouses when its all I want. When people who have healthy husbands try to tell me how to handle this I am often angry inside thinking what the heck do they know anyways? Sometimes I am really ashamed about feeling that way, but I think its human nature.

Deep breaths, positive thoughts and loads of prayers. I will be praying for good scan results.

[Carleen]

Sorry I forgot to ask for prayers for another thing. Keith has been having back pain for the past 4 -5 weeks. They are doing a bone scan next week to see if the cancer has spread to his spine. Please pray for him.

Thanks,

Carleen

[-Cheryl-]

Carleen,

It is so good to hear from you. You and Keith are more than due a break. I am praying to God for positive results and clean scans right this moment for keith. I also pray for you to have less stress and good health too! Vent away whenever you need to! We are here for you when you need to unload.

Cheryl

[Laurie]

Carleen,

You and Keith are always in my thoughts and prayers! Keep the faith in your heart and try to take one day at a time. I know it is easier said then done but My heart goes out to you and I am glad that you are posting here and getting some support. I'm praying and praying for Keith and sending huge hugs your way!!!

Bless you both,

Laurie

[john]

Isn't it possible to talk to the builder about breaking the contract? In most cases you should get your deposit back. I personally would put it on hold, til Keith gets better.

I believe it is usually possible to break contracts under certain circumstances without much penalty

[natalie]

Carleen- When I read your post, I felt your pain in my gut. I will say so many prayers for you and Keith tonight. I honestly think there is some progress being made with LC. We can't give up hope...we just can't. Maybe it's good that Keith has had this mini break so he can regain his strength to continue the fight. He is a fighter. I told me mom I was going to get the Christina Aguilera song "Fighter" and play it when she feels down. It's going to be her "theme" song. I refuse to let my mom succumb to this disease. The one saving grace was their buying the house out here by me. It gave my mom a distraction. She started focusing on what to decorate with. It may help you and Keith to have the distraction of building the home. Give him something to change his thoughts too. The mind has healing power and we only use about 5% that our mind is capable of...just think of what the remaining 95% of the mind could do. Pick a theme song and when you feel down, play it so it whips you back in shape to fight this thing. Get mad at the cancer and tell it you are going to kick it's butt. I'm thinking of you and feel for you Carleen. You shouldn't have to work more than 8 hour days right now. Your work should understand that. You have some legal rights you know. i am taking a lot of slack too at work. No one is able to do my job while I'm gone so it sits waiting for me and stresses me out. Then I come back everyone dumps things on me. We can only do what we can...ultimately it's our managers responsibiltiy to figure out who's going to pick up the pieces when we can't keep it together. I've had people yell at me because I haven't called them back...I just plain tell those people what I'm going through and wow, magically they are humbled and their situation seems less important to them all of a sudden.

[Connie B]

Carleen and Keith,

(((((((((((((((((((((((((CARLEEN & KEITH))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You don't have to ask for prayers from me, your ALWAYS in my PRAYERS!

Dear GOD,

Please hear my prayer and Give Carleen and Keith some GOOD NEWS??

PLEASE!!!!

Warm and Gentle Hugs,

[kimblanchard]

Dear Carleen,

Of course prayers for you dear...................and for Keith.....................

I feel your pain too. Each and every day I don't know how I get up and go on. Sometimes it's with tears and sometimes not. I try not to think about how long Bill might be with me and focus on today. It's hard and no one understands it better than the people on this board. Wish I could put my arms around you and give you some comfort.

(((((((((((((((((((CARLEEN))))))))))))))))))))))

Blessings to you both,

Peg

[daggiesmom]

Dear Carleen & Keith,

I read your post and boy, can i relate. I've had the roller coaster of emotions you talk about, some days are good, some days are horrible. Finally i got some medication which i feel is reallly helping me. I'm sorta evened out, something that was important in order for me to function. I also had small cell and was treated with cisplatin & etoposide and radiation (similar to Keith's treatment). I finished treatment last June and to date am cancer free. Keith is young and strong and i feel very strongly that he will beat this. Please try to keep a positive attitude, even though it is hard. Things WILL IMPROVE for you. I'll keep you both in my prayers, ok?

Joanie

[Don Wood]

Carleen, so sorry so much is coming at you at once. I do have you both in my prayers, and I hope all these things will sort out well. Don

[Tim'sKathy]

((((Carleen)))))......

Boy do I know the feelings you are feeling. I wish there was something I could do to help. Just know that I am always saying prayers for you and Keith..

Kathy

[Fresca]

Carleen-

Dear Sweet Friend. All I know is this....this is a hell of a way to live your young life. Yes, you are being cheated, for what reason we don't know. Maybe to make your love even stronger for one another. I cannot say my dear. I am praying that this is only a hump. No one knows why God lets these things happen. Maybe its because he gave Man dominion over the earth, and we haven't done so well with it. All the chemicals, and animals being killed, the land being destroyed by commerce...and the almighty dollar. Maybe he is trying to make man strong and tough. Maybe hes just a cruel and mean God. I can't say. It is not my place to say. Its my place to say hold tight to him, he will hold you. Maybe not the way you think. He might be the one giving you the energy to wake up and work those long long days at work. Maybe keeping you together. Maybe without him, we all who have to deal or dealt with this crap disease, would have been lost ourselves.

I know that your love for Keith is strong, and let that fuel you my friend. I know it does already. What I want to say is...Keep a chin up my sweet. Keep loving, and caring for all. Try to stifle the yucky feelings for others when they are laughing. I know it makes you sad, but the anger towards others makes the depression much much worse. Try laughing with them...its great medicine for you. Its so hard, I KNOW, but try my dear, just try.

As for Keith, he sounds so strong and mentally in tune with this shi_ disease. I'm not sure who said it, but I agree, that maybe when the house is being built it could fuel Keith. Its a mental thing. We can heal ourselves if we truly believe in our minds, hearts and souls. God gives us that power. But we have to harness it. Feeling bad though makes it hard I know. My mom lost the battle because she got so physically down, her mental state went down. Seriously, not trying to upset anyone who reads this...she started getting negative and cranky, and thats when the disease took over. Keep Keith up. Keep his mental state up. I know this is a novel to you my dear...but your pain and sorrow and depression is so deep. I want nothing but the best for my new LC family. I just want to touch on every subject that you posted.

Carleen my dear...you have so much to deal with. I pray you find strength. This is a hard bumpy road, but you can get the road paved hon....really...keith can beat this. I am praying for good scans, and good times ahead for you.

Please God hear me too.......Carleen and Keith need your wisdom and Strength that you possess. Please let them learn what the neeed to beat this. We ask that the hands of the Dr.s have already put Keiths cancer on the run. We ask for a cure in this world for this disease. Please give us the wisdom we need to find the cure. Please. Please bless all on this meassage board with good things. I pray this through Jesus our Lord and Christ...Amen.

Thats all I can do my sweet...I believe though, so you believe too, and we can have this prayer answered right away. You hang in there. If you need me I'm a PM away.

Much love for you and Keith your always in my prayers...

Rana

[kimblanchard]

Carleen

I wish I had a magic wand to wave over you and Keith and everyone else on this board. This disease just mutilates everyone who comes in contact with it. Oh, how I wish I could be with you right now and help you through this.

I am finding it harder each day myself to keep a positive attitude and I know it has been most important in my treatment. Please talk to your doctor and perhaps he can help with some anti-depressants for you.

Both you and Keith will remain topside in my prayers.

[Rick]

You have my prayers~! If you only placed a deposit with the builder, you can get out of the contract but will lose the deposit. We had to cancel a contract once on a house we were building when we found a different one somewhere else. They kept our deposit and sold our house to someone else.

[kimblanchard]

Carleen

My heart goes out to you and Keith. I am praying that you get some good news from his next scans, you both need it and deserve it. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you and keith were doing. I think about you a lot. I also agree with Rick, we once cancelled a contract with a builder and did lose our deposit but did not have to build the house. It might be a good idea to check into it if you haven't already.

Will be praying for you

Bess B

[Andrea B.]

Carleen,

My heart was breaking as I read your message. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. This is a time in your life when you and Keith should be enjoying everything to the fullest. Not having to worry about this damn disease. I wish I had the magic words to make everything okay for you and to take away your pain. I can relate to when you say the feeling of seeing older couples and being resentful. I get resentful when I see grandparents enjoying their grandchildren...why can't that be my mom. Please know that I have both of you in my prayers. I am sending you all my postive vibes. Big Hugs to you.

[mscyn4u]

Carleen, every person on this board with a mate affected by this disease that read your post, I believe feels your heartache. It is a lot we are all going through. I know how you can sometimes pull away from posting, due to time contstraints, exhaustion, and sometimes just feeling like, it is too damn much to type.

Then there are times like you just did you HAVE to get it all out so don't feel bad about a long post. We are here for one another. The feelings are overwhelming, they consume you daily. I am not working and sometimes I wish I was to take my mind off, then again I have to say it is good I am not because I could not take off when he calls from the hospital and needs me. You and your husband are cared for and will be in all our prayers, just take it one day at a time and count the blessings you do have daily, like each other, food, shelter, etc., etc. Because in the long run the "stuff" we have seems so trivial when it comes to the big issue which is our ability to get up and still be alive. We are all living to die, unfortunately an illness brings the reality smack in our faces. So love each other like there is no tomorrow DAILY!!!!

STAY STRONG AND WHEN YOU CAN'T FOR AWHILE, IT IS OK TO LET IT OUT!!! IN ANGER, TEARS, SHOUTING MATCHES, WHATEVER, CAUSE THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR EACH OTHER WILL REGENERATE YOUR STRENGTH AFTER THE LOWS COME AND GO.

(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))000

[bobmc]

Dear Carleen;

My heart also goes out to you, it's just so sad sometimes what this terrible disease does to all of us, Please try to stay strong and keep your chin up and know that you and Keith will be in my thoughts and prayers.

May God bless the two of you!

Bobmc- NSCLC- stageIIB- left pneumonectomy-5/2/01

" absolutelu insist on enjoying life today!"

[Cindy RN]

Carleen

I wish so much for you 2! You are stressing too much at work right now. Tell them to let up. I see my hubby in your shoes. Caregivers are so strong. We love you for it!

Cindy

[mittlers]

Carleen,

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I'm saying a prayer right now. Keith is lucky to have such a wonderful woman in his life to help him through this. Please be strong and remember that we are all here for you and Keith.

God Bless,

Susan M.

[LindaMRG]

(((((((((((((((((((SWEET CARLEEN))))))))))))))))))

Sending you a great big hug, my friend. I should copy and paste what I wrote to Shellie. I know how you feel, but in a different way. You look at couples and say why us? I cant imagine how that feels because you guys are so young. I look at older people enjoying retirement and my father worked two jobs for twenty years WHY DOES HE HAVE TO SPEND HIS RETIREMENT FIGHTING CANCER!!!!!!!!!!

Im so glad you came here to vent. It helps the rest of us as well to know we are not alone.

Keep us posted, my friend. Email if you need a friend.

[Tracy]

Carleen & Keith,

It must be so difficult to have so much going on all at the same time, hopefully your stress load will lighten.

Praying for you both

Tracy

[Tiny]

Dear Carleen,

My heart breaks for you and Keith. You are absolutely right...all of this crap that the two of you are dealing with at such a young age is not fair. But you WILL go on and face what you have to, if for no other reason than your marvelous love for Keith. You are always in my prayers.

[Donna D]

Dear (((Carleen)))

You have more strenght than you think. Keith is so blessed to have you at his side. I am praying for some good news for you both. Hang in there. We are all with you in this fight.

Dona