Politically Correct Office Christmas Party....

[Ann]

Subject: OT Office party ( politically correct)

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on

December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill

House. There will be a cash bar with plenty of drinks! We'll have a small

band playing traditional carols, so please feel free to sing along. And

don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees

can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the

giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for

employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Pauline

**************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We

recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with

Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're

calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other

employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree and no

Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your

enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family!

Pauline.

*****************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign

your name. I'm happy to

accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA

Only", you won't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this?

Forget about the gift exchange. No gift exchange is allowed now, since the

Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe

£10.00 is a little cheap. REPEAT: NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

************************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the

Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during

daylight

hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a

luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate the n beliefs of our

Muslim employees'. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your

meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to

take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from

the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the

toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. **** do not have to

sit with gay men; each group will have its own table. Yes, there will be

flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking

permission to cross dress - no cross-dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be

available

for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We

suggest that those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics but the restaurant

cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?

Pauline.

*************************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All *** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2005

RE: The **** Holiday Party

Vegetarian xx#### - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this

party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly

at the table furthest from the "Grill of Death", as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your ***## salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know

tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them

scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten

holiday, drink drive and die.

The witch from

HELL!!!!!!!

******************************

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November 2005

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure that I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy

recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her in hospital. In the

meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and,

instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

[bunny]