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Unlike most people Valentine's Day is not a good day for me. Many of you who have been around for a while know that Johnny and I were to be married on Valentine's Day 2003. He died December 2, 2002.

I'll never forget the first time I went into a store that year and saw all of the things out for Valentine's Day. It was as if someone had stabbed me in the heart. All of those boxes of candy and cards and flowers just seemed to be mocking me. Until those things were out of the store and the day had passed I stayed home and wouldn't turn the television on. I didn't need any more reminders of what I had lost.

There have been two more Valentine's days sense that first and each one holds it's own speical pain. I decided this year I had to find a way to keep it from getting me down. It may sound crazy to you but it worked for me. I got through yesterday without falling into that pit of depression that is always threatening.

I don't know why it came to me but I decided I would have the perfect Valentine's Day in my mind. I would create a fantasy of all that would make the day perfect for me. It would be mine and Johnny's aniversary.

The day started out (in my fantasy) with Johnny and I riding in the car with my brother and his sister like we did so many years ago. She was hadn't been murdered and my brother was still alive, not dead from a broken heart. We rode to all of the same places in the hills and Johnny had his guitar and we all sang and laughed the morning away. Just like he did back then when he got tired of singing he put the car down and patted the seat next to him so I could move closer. He whispered nauty things in my ear and I blused and we laughed as he teased me.

We got home to a big party for our aniversary. It wasn't our 3rd aniversary, it was the 46th just like it should have been. All of our families were there and it was so beautiful. My brother Harold, Johnny and his brother Harold (yes we had brothers with the same name) were singing and playing like they always did. My brother was still alive and Johnny's brother was whole like he was before his heart attack. My dear friend Carol who was married to his brother was there too. So was Mama and Daddy and my oldest brother Richard and Johnny's sister Mary and his mom were there too.

All of our children and grandchildren were there but instead of being his and mine they were ours. Children and grandchildren born of our very special love. All of our friends and the rest of our families were there as well. Nieces and nephews and cousins.

There was a feast and music and then Johnny and I renewed our vows. Not the wedding vows but the vows we had made in our hearts to oneanother soon after we met. Then he sang a song for me. The song that he wrote Flame of Love but instead of being a song about the flame burning even with us parted and all of the heartache it was a song about the flame still burning storng after so many years together.

After the party ended and everyone was gone we drove to the beach and parked. We walked the beach in the moonlight holding hands. Then we spread our blanket in the special place that Johnny had found in the dunes and made love under the starts. After a while we drove home and spent the night snuggled in eachothers arms and like always he used his feet to draw my legs to his and wrap them together. The end to a perfect day and all was right with the world.

Maybe it is crazy that I chose this way to deal with the day but it helped me to get through it. Everytime I saw something that reminded me of what day it was I closed my eyes and found a part of that perfect day and I was able to go on again with what I needed to do. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was surrounded by all of the people I love, those who are gone as well as those still alive.

I got off work at 9 this morning and rejoined the real world. I had a meeting at work to set up my vacation time and work on my new work schedule. Then I came home. I spent the day being lazy dozing in my recliner for over an hour and doing very little else.

I started to set up my new printer only to learn that I need to buy a special cable and it doesn't come with black ink. Sense they are giving snow for Friday and Saturday I will not be able to work Saturday because I can't get to town so my printer will have to wait til next week too. I won't make that drive just for that.

I have finally caught up after several months of long hours so missing the day of work won't be as much of a hardship as it would have been. I have some things to do here that I have put off and I will look at the next few days as a well earned vacation.

I hope that I have not offended anyone by posting my fantasy. It just seemed so good to be able to do that and get through what could have been a terrible day for me. Who knows maybe some of you who have days that you dread could make up your own special day.

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Lil...I am so glad you were able to have a nice day. I know each of us have to do different things in order to cope with difficult dates after losing our soulmates. I think it was great that you actually found something that will work for you. I know Johnny was watching over you and was having the same fantasy of being there with you!

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