That Mean and Angry Thing

[Linda661]

I wish I had an answer to that one; and I read responses to recent posts on the topic recommending counseling and admonishing both parties for their actions in "the heat of the moment." This is serious business, this potential effect of this dx...not just LC, but cancer in general. I went through it myself, and it's not easy...what is so devastating is that to just roll over accept actions from our loved one as if it's OK isn't gonna' work worth a hill of beans and counseling doesn't solve a d*mn thing with it either (been there, done that, several times over in the process). What saved my behind was that a medical professional listened in hidden around a corner when neither my mom nor I knew anyone was around (several times over); otherwise I had no leg to stand on in the world at large on what I was telling anyone: That included our onc. telling my mom that perhaps I was making it up when I brought it to their attention at an appointment really early on in its manifestation -- not the best for inspiring confidence that the caregiver gets any sort of real support happening for things.

I agree that violence in response to violence isn't the answer -- try just leaving the scene and being pursued in that anger by your loved one...threats called after you too to the point you are afraid to be around them at all, yet their future well-being depends on you and you want all the best for them too, so you spend 110%+ of your time seeing that they have everything they need, including future medical options that the docs won't even offer up as hope.

If not taken seriously, this anger/mean thing can have dire consequences for the survivor caregiver -- it bankrupted a friend of mine. Nasty, cruel behavior in private for her...but get anyone else in there (professionals and other friends alike), and things appeared just peachy. My friend was urinated on, beaten on, had things thrown at her, had her entire life savings blown on nonsense purchases that no one would dare question at the time from her ill loved one -- that's sheer and utter nonsense. My friend had NO TIME to do anything about it either (to stand up for herself and bring it to the forefront of someone's attention) -- everything had to go to working or caregiving. I wish I had had a deeper friendship with this person when she went through this -- I could have helped her better then get out of the mess she is in today.

While this probably is a personal vent of mine full of personal hurt at the moment, I wish others would take it more seriously if/when it emerges. I doesn't necessarily happen to everyone, but when it does, it needs serious attention by the medical/friend community at large -- the caregiver's personal well-being, medical status, and future just may depend on it.

Linda