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British Newsaper Clips


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Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a

spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time

of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up

during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in

her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her

Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because

they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they

don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was

rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman

commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked

him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have

a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover

off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with

her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do

her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. He'd

always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the

middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of announcements that London Tube train drivers have actually made to

their passengers . . . . . .

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know

you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to

my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go

in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E &

B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any

further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last

Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad

news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East

Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security

alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the

foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time

together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street. As you can see, Baker Street is

closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could

tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these

professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a

registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced

in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and

gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff

yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold

the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the

doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into

the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second

carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL

belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to

the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the

pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door

before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on

any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only

fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Gotta love 'em, the British do have a way with words don't they!

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