2 years

[Mskim]

This Saturday will be 2 years, last week was her birthday (see the pic) and now was that last trip to Seattle that I still look back at and wonder if she would have had months more, instead of days had I not taken her.

Anyway.... I have read through some posts and each one touched on bits of me. We are all so much the same, daughters, sons, wives and husbands.

I am getting used to this new life but wish it didn't have to be this way. So lonely and alone, even though I am married with children and surrounded by friends.

I am getting to know my young children and trying to over come the endless repercussions of living in a fog after dad was killed 4 1/2 years ago and of somewhat abandoning them during the 11 months of care and the year after the death of my beautiful Mom.

I am still kind of recreating myself by filling my life with new friends and immersing myself in the kid's lives.

There are days when I am on my knees, begging to go back and have one more day, and other days that I am grateful that I have made it this far without driving my family away.

It is much like I was put in a blender and mixed up... all the same ingredients but changed from the inside out. I am not sure about who I am quite yet. I know I have to concetrate on being kind to people and not judging them. I have always been a bit of a pessimist but now I worry about my health and my family's and I have a cynical and sarcastic side.

I do know I just have to keep moving forward and think if I am this much better at 2 years, (and almost 5 with my dad), then it has to keep getting better and I will learn to like this new life.

One somewhat bittersweet thing is that I have lost 70 pounds. I just wish she was here to see it. I wish I had made an effort when she was alive. It was so much of a handicap for me and was one thing she couldn't fix with hugs or a checkbook. (she was fabulous and taught me well about retail therapy)

BUT there are some things that we accomplish that only praise from our mother can make real for us. Weight loss for me is one of them, and oh how I wish she could have stuck around to see my babies grow... Though I know there will be lot's of 'she can see them and she is with you' I would rather have her right here, in person.

I read recently how death of your mother is like a giant weight and at first you cannot bear it. It makes your knees buckle and it pulls you backwards and under. As time passes, you can pull it behind you, but it still wears you down and you have to change positions constantly to move it. As you grow stronger, the bag is always there, weighing the same, but seems to move a little easier. Eventually you can carry it on your back without it knocking you down. I think that I am almost to this point. I will be grateful when I can throw it over my shoulder and give it credit for my strength.

[blueeye]

Kim, Hugs to you. I "get" it. I'm pulling that "weight" around too...

And congratulations on the weight loss! She does see it, and is cheering you on.