Lots of Funnies....

[Ann]

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too

qualified for the job. 'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any

actual experience in picking lemons?' 'Well, as a matter of fact,

yes!' she replied.'I've been divorced three times.'

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely

ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-

out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight

when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the

cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly

neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a

table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said 'We may

not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they

would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down

the aisle. As they reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride

kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the

front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled

broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him

back his credit card.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in

your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over

you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: 'I would like

them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a

great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was

a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in

people's lives.' John said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's

moving!'

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to

God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.... 'God, what does a million years

mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what

does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.'

Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to

me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact,

she goes with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.. What do you

think I should do?' 'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and

calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last

request, dear,' he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.

'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I

thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I

do!'

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening

and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's

wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very

surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads,

'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see

what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi

calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her

on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes

and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'