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Trying to give thanks


Pam

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I'm trying to look at the bright side of this year but it's so hard not to focus on the sadness...

I was 7 months pregnant with my second child when we got the news that my dad had NSCLC. I thought having a granddaughter would be an inspiration and help him through his illness. Turns out she came along to help me get through this instead.

She was born by C-section on September 18 and went into respiratory distress. She spent the first ten days of her life in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit hooked up to oxygen, an IV and monitors for her breathing and blood pressure. They drew blood daily from her feet until the bottoms of her feet were raw. During these ten days, my dad was in the same hospital on the oncology floor, two floors up from her, also on oxygen and morphine for the pain. Looking back, I don't know how in the world we got through that time. Lots of tears and lots of prayers. We felt like we were on auto pilot or something. I would sit with my dad in his room until the NICU nurse would phone his room and let me know I could come in and hold her for a half hour during her feeding, then I would have to return her to her wires and into the little plastic incubator. She had antibiotics due to an infection in her lungs. I remember praying Please God don't take them both. I would cry when they took blood from her, I would cry when I had to leave the nursery, I rambled on about my dad to the nurses as I fed her, I felt positively numb, and out of touch with reality. I felt as if the world were ending, everyone was having lung problems. Twice the doctor at the NICU let me take Madison up to see my dad briefly, to cheer him up. His face just lit up when I brought her in. He wanted to hold her but his arms were so weak and shaky.....but he did touch her hand a few times and talk to her. We gave her "Elizabeth" as her middle name, after my dad's mom, and he told me he was touched by that, it meant a lot to him.

So I am trying to be thankful that he was able to meet her. She was five weeks old when he passed on. I keep thinking how wonderful of a Grandpa he has been to Matthew, and now she will never know him.

And it's just not right. He should be here. I will of course tell both my children how wonderful their Grandpa was, but it's just not the same.

Ahh...I could go on and on....but it won't get me anywhere.

I didn't post a message for 8 months and now I can't seem to stop! :wink:

Happy New Year everyone - may 2004 bring a cure for this horrible disease.

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Pam

Your story touches my heart. I can't begin to imagine the pain you must have endured along with the fear. You and your dad were so lucky that he at least got to see your daughter. I am assuming that she is doing well and growing now.. You have much to be thankful for in that area but much to grieve with the loss of your dad.

Johnny was expecting two grandchildren when he died. The first was born just 2 weeks after his death. He was looking forward to those babies so much but he never made it. I have heard it said that when someone dies and there is a new baby born the one who dies becomes the baby's guardian angel. Your little girl has her own special angel watching over her now.. I pray that you never have to go so much again but dispite all you have gained one precious gift and heaven has gained another. God bless you and I hope the new year is kinder to you. Lillian

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Pam,

Life can be very hard. On one hand you had this wonderful birth of a new child. On the other, the passing of your father shortly after. Your heart is torn both ways.

I am so thankful I still have my kids living at home with me. I know, 5 of them are adults, but they have helped me to keep my sanity when I thought for sure I was losing it. I am sure your children are doing the same thing for you. Their innocents can sure help mend a broken heart.

I know my grandson at times just comes up and gives me this wonderful hug and says, I love you NaNa. If that isn't a heartwarmer, I don't know what it. I am thankful for all of them.

I hope the new year gives us peace in our hearts and souls so that we can continue to see the miracles that God sends to us each and everyday.

I am thankful you have joined our group. When we have a team working on healing it is so much easier than doing it alone.

Much love,

Shirley

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Pam,

I can't imagine how you got thru that time with both the people you loved so much fighting for their lives. It's said that we are only given what we can handle. Just reading your story--I don't think I could have handled that, but you DID- somehow.

Along with your great sadness- there is a great strength inside of you. I'm so glad you are posting now. Keep posting. You don't have to stop.

We are all on different paths in this journey, but we're all in this thing together.

God Bless,

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