Pam

LOL!!! I got the OO LA LA OLGA email also...

Boy do I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm terrified, of everything. I run to the doctor for everything. I bought extra life insurance for myself. I am writing "letters" to my kids, telling them how happy they've made me and how I hope to be here long enough to help them grow, but just in case I'm not, to always remember I love them so much!!! The list goes on. My husband thinks I'm paranoid. I'm just so so scared, of not being able to watch and help my kids grow up (they are 5 and 2). Never felt like this, before cancer robbed us of my precious Dad......

Two years ago today, I lost my dad. October 27, 2003...the worst day of my life. I have this perfect memory of my dad, back when I was about 6 or 7 years old. We were on a summer vacation, at a campground. This campground was pretty nice, as I recall, it had a swimming pool, gift shop, etc. I remember my dad carrying me into the pool, and I was so scared of the water, so I clung to his strong arms. He was so gentle, trying to coax me into relaxing a little, holding me carefully in the water and moving me around. After a while, he sat me on the edge of the pool, and I watched as he jumped back in and swam laps back and forth. I remember clearly, how I thought he was the strongest, most handsome, brave, wonderful, best Dad in the world!!! I was so proud, that he was my Dad!! Then my dad took me into the gift shop, and I remember his smiling face, those warm brown eyes I loved so much, as he smiled at me and said that I could pick out anything I wanted, anything at all, as a souvenir. He let me take my time, looking at everything, but what I really wanted was this tiny little bottle made out of clear glass that had a penny inside of it. Remember those? The penny can't get out, because of the bottle neck. He laughed and said "Whatever you want sunshine....." I was on top of the world - I was my Daddy's Princess!! Thank you Dad - for being my Hero, my Fearless Leader, for being the best Dad you could be, for making me feel so special and so protected....and so so loved. If you can hear me, please know how much I love you and miss you.....with every breath I take I still ache for you, and wish I could bring you back to us. I'm so so sorry this happened, how I wish I could change it. I love you so much Daddy......

Just had to pipe up - I leave the board for extended periods of time, but always think about the people I've gotten to know....I check back now and again, to see how people are, I wipe a tear, I smile, I go on.....I may leave for months, but when I feel the pull to come back, I feel right at home, amongst friends. Thanks to all of you - I never have to pretend here, I can be just who I am, and don't have to make excuses.

Thanks, to all of you.....I needed some encouragement. It's coming up on two years, and I swear every day that it gets closer I sink a little lower. Cry at work, cry at home, in the shower, driving....I can't stop it or control it. Thanks, everyone....for being so kind.

Dance With My Father Lyrics Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then Spin me around 'til I fell asleep Then up the stairs he would carry me And I knew for sure I was loved If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him I'd play a song that would never, ever end How I'd love, love, love To dance with my father again When I and my mother would disagree To get my way, I would run from her to him He'd make me laugh just to comfort me Then finally make me do just what my mama said Later that night when I was asleep He left a dollar under my sheet Never dreamed that he would be gone from me If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him I'd play a song that would never, ever end 'Cause I'd love, love, love To dance with my father again Sometimes I'd listen outside her door And I'd hear how my mother cried for him I pray for her even more than me I pray for her even more than me I know I'm praying for much too much But could you send back the only man she loved I know you don't do it usually But dear Lord she's dying To dance with my father again Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

OH do I ever know what you are talking about....it's constantly on my mind too. I lay still in bed, and wonder how much pain he could feel, even though the Hospice nurse said she kept him "comfortable"....I wonder if he could think about what was happening...I want to know if he knew he was dying....did he want to say something to us? The nurse said he had slipped into a coma...could he hear us? Did he hear us cry and tell him how much we love him? What was he thinking? Could he hear the last rites? Was he willing his body to keep breathing? He only woke up once, and reached for me, but his hand dropped before he could touch me and he fell back into his coma.....the nurse saw it but I had my head on my daddy's arm and was crying so hard, I missed it. OH God how I wish I could turn the time back!! Give me that moment one more time, give me a chance to be looking at him and grab his hand.....it just tears me up. He is constantly on my mind. This past weekend, mom threw me one of dad's old t-shirts to use for painting. But as I picked it up and held it in front of me, I breathed deep, and I could smell him perfectly. It was my dad. That wonderful smell, of probably Tide and his aftershave....but it was my dad. And I haven't smelled him in almost two years. God does that hurt. I put it away (kept it and hid it) before I made it soggy with tears... I will never get used to this pain. It hasn't gotten any better or easier and frankly I don't care. I miss my dad and it hurts!! He was too young....everything he's missed out on...it's not fair to him....I don't care about my pain, but what is tearing me up, is how he looked forward to this time of his life, and it was cut short, and oh how he would be enjoying his grandkids...it's not fair...to him or them!!! So after almost two years, I'm still deep in grief. I'm still angry. And I still cry - a lot. Mostly when I'm alone though. As much as it hurts to sit and write this down, it helps to know I'm not alone...so I thank you, Peggy, for bringing this up.

Good luck to you this weekend - and I know how you feel about being fully functional with tears....I haven't had more than a day or two without tears for a year now. I don't think we ever get over this - I think we just get accustomed to living with the pain.

KC I know exactly how you feel, my son was 3 when he lost his best friend, his Grampa. They were very close. A year has passed, and Matthew still talks about his Grampa all the time, as we do. He still cries occasionally too. It tears my heart out to see him hurting, and missing his Grampa. I told him the same thing, that he had to go to heaven and be with the angels, they took his pain away, and if he came back to us, his pain would be back too. I don't know if it's wrong or right, but that's what I told him. The other night we watched my dad's video, that we had made for the funeral, with pictures of his life, a lot of pictures with Matthew at the end. And of course, the most heart wrenching music to go along with it. Matthew and I sat on the floor in front of the tv and cried and cried. I think it did us both some good. He's been talking about the movie he is in with his Grampa. He is very proud of it. I don't know if any of this helps, but please know you are not alone. I'm sorry for your pain, I will keep you in my prayers.....

One year ago today I lost my dad. Some days it feels like it just happened, then again it feels like I've had this pain and emptiness for so long. Aside from my sadness and my poor mom's sadness, it breaks my heart when my four year old still cries for his Grampa. He talks about Grampa regularly and still is confused as to why we can't go see him in Heaven or why he can't come back down. Tears on those little cheeks....how I wish my dad could be here with him. I am angry that my dad is missing out on time with his grandkids, and I know it would have made him so happy. Matthew was the absolute joy in his life - how I wish he could be here to enjoy him and watch him grow. I am so angry at this horrible disease, that caused him so much pain and suffering, and that robbed us of this wonderful man. I am also angry as I think and remember all of the awful things that happened, as the care and treatment he received wasn't anywhere near acceptable. I'm so sorry Dad....I am just so damn sorry.... Dad, I wish I could tell you how much we love you and miss you. I wish I could wake up have this be the worst nightmare imaginable - and have my sweet wonderful Daddy back.......you will always be MY HERO.... Dad, thank you for being the best dad anyone could have, and for being my FRIEND. Thank you for being MY DAD. I am so proud of you, for giving it all you had, for fighting till the bitter end. I will love you forever.......

....I am so sorry......

Thank you all so much for your support! I can't tell you how good it felt to read all your messages.....just hearing this gave me a lift, a much needed lift. I'd forgotten how good it feels to talk with people who understand, and you all truly understand. The people at work think I've lost my mind, so I don't share any feelings with them. They think I'm psychotic because I have cancer or my dad on my mind constantly. Thank you all so much - I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

Berisa I am so very sorry - words are inadequate, please know we all grieve with you.....

Today is six months since the day my dad passed away. It doesn't seem real.....and yet it seems like this pain has gone on forever. I feel like our lives are a haze - just get up - go to work - come home - chase after two kids - fall into bed - etc....there is no light in our world, it feels positively grey.....we just don't know what to do without him. Every time we look at the grave, I can't believe we are visiting my dad OUT THERE....I feel positively drained. I miss him, I ache for him, I sob his name over and over.....I'm so so sorry daddy, I'm so sorry this happened to you.... My mom has had health problems develop, severely high blood pressure, is on all kinds of freaky meds, and now I found out I have heart valve disease, (all valves are leaking) and I swear the world is crashing in on us all. I don't know what reality is anymore. I feel like I am on auto pilot.... I don't post much, since I don't feel that I have anything positive to help anyone with, but I do read up on the posts a couple times a week, and I think of you all each day. Just wanted you all to know, I still care about all of you, I still worry and pray for everyone, I just don't seem to have anything left to give anyone, so I don't want to post something that is not positive and helpful. Thanks for listening to my rambling crazy thoughts!!

Oh my GOD I can't believe this has happened - I am so shocked.... I am so so sorry for your family, Curtis, I will pray for you and your beautiful daughter.... I'm so very sorry.....