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Another Month has Passed


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Its four months since Pat so suddenly left without a final goodbye. There have been good days and a lot of bad ones. Last week I worked night shift and had long periods of lonliness when there were no other people around. This gave me lots of time to think about Pat.

There are a lot of good memories but the ones that come back to haunt me is when I think about the disease and how quickly she deteriorated and was so suddenly taken away.

We had so many plans for our golden years but all that was wiped out by the cancer.

I spent the weekend at our home carrying on with the kitchen renovation. I sorted through some of our belongings and found a beautiful photo of Pat as a young girl, radiant and beautiful.

There are so many things that bring back memories and causes extreme longing for her love and companionship.

I also sorted out all the jackals things. More sadness.

I try to be positive and think of the good times but there are still many dark times that just dont go away.

Thanks for being there.


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All I can say is cherish the good memories and get rid of the bad ones if you can. I remember when my Mom died, I could not get the bad memories to get out of my head. It took time, and now they feel distant and I'm comforted by the good stuff. This will happen for you too.

Keep writing, it helps.

MI Judy

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There is no easy way to grieve. My heart truly aches for you because I remember so well those first months when I was like a zombie. I could go to the store to buy a few things and leave with nothing in my basket because everything had no taste, because life had no taste. I lived on coffee for the first month with very little if any sleep. The bad memories haunted me day and night and the anger at everyone, even myself was the only thing that kept me going.

I think the hardest part was the self doubts. Questioning myself about the things I did and didn't do and had said and not said. Like you the end came so fast and I was so afraid that there was no real goodbye and that tortured me. I won't lie to you. It took a very long time for me to even begin to function in an almost normal way. In my case the bitterness and anger were causing me to be someone that I not only didn't know but didn't like either.

The one thing that you have to remember is that what you are feeling is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. In time the same memories that make you cry will make you laugh too. You will still cry but you will be so grateful for the time that you did have, for those good memories that will in time help dim the ones of the end.

A few years ago one of our members made a statement that I have never forgotten because it is just so true. We can lose our parents and siblings and feel a terrible sense of loss but when we lose the one person who we share everything with it is a loss that no one else could possibly understand. To our spouse or soul mate/partner we are the most important person in the world. Our children have their spouses and children of their own. Our parents if they are alive have one another and our siblings. No one else can understand completely what it is like to be cast out into a hostile world alone when you have had someone to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with. Someone who knew you and who you knew from the inside out.

I know that you have other things to keep you busy but you still have a need to share. You lost not only your soul mate but the person in your care. You were needed in so many ways and now you must feel so lost because that need is gone. One of our senior members put it best when she said that you have to start building a new life from the ground up. No one says it will be easy but it is doable and you will find that you are a much more understanding and compassionate person because you have been there and done that and so many others are facing those same dark days and need at least one person who can understand what they are going though.

I don't know if this can help you. I know that nothing can take the pain and those images away right now but as I said before someday you will see the good side of those memories and be so very glad that you have everyone of them. even the bad ones. God Bless you may you find some peace soon.

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