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As many of you have pointed out recently I seem to no longer have the anger that was so much a part of my life just a few short weeks ago.... I believe there are two reasons for that. One is being able to come here and share both my pain and my progress.. I also know that moving to this new and beautiful place has played a major part in my sense of peace.

I recently got a letter from the chaplin that Johnny and I knew in Washington. We have exchanged many letters sense I left there and had more than one exchange of conflicting ideas. I guess my habit of many words either overwhelmed him or he has seen the error in his thinking!!!Never the less we are still friends and recently he sent a letter stating that he sees that I am starting to heal. I wrote back to him trying to explain what I am feeling now. I thought that I might share it with all of you. You have been with me too in my long journy. So here is my take on my situation right now. I can not say that I am happy. Happiness is just a fleeting moment in time but hopefully peace can last for eternity. My explaition follows. Thanks for putting up with my rambles. Lillian

You say that my latest messages show that I am starting to heal. I don't really believe it is healing as much as acceptance and renewal. Time is no measurement of healing any more than it is of love or pain. Time is a man made thing not a God made thing. I still have many days that the pain is so bad that I just want to pull the covers over my head and forget that I am alive. Fortunately those days are becoming fewer.

After Johnny's death I was so lost. In 6 months time I moved away from my children and grandchildren who had always been my lifes focus and my reason for the life I led. I found happiness like none I had ever known with Johnny. Even the worse days of the anxiety we had something between us that just kept growing. Then in just 5 short months he was gone. He died at a time when we had found new hope for his treatment and at a time when his physical health was much better than it had been in years. I had many questions and no answers. I also have no legal rights to get those answers and have came up against as many or more brick walls in my attemp to get him justice as I did to get him help. All of those things in such a short time period left my soul bruised and battered. I didn't know how to handle either my pain nor my anger and sense of injustice. Both of those things were stonger than I had ever experienced before.

Moving here was the best thing I could have ever done. It costs so little to live here. That is true financialy as well as in other ways. I still have concerns about finding employment but I know that will come in time. I can afford to wait for a while. I need this time of renewal and peace with myself. There is no charge here for the things that make life easier. It costs nothing to see the blue shy or the mountains covered with evergreens. There is no charge to see or hear the creek as it bubbles and at times crashes on it's way to the sea. The price of seeing a deer is only the effort to open your eyes. The cold air invigerates more than a barrel of vitamins and the beauty soothes the soul more than any massage or expensive resort. Life here is lived one minute at a time. There is no rush nor any thing to pressure me. I have learned to do something that had escaped me for most of my life. That is to relax totaly once in a while.

So I say I have not healed but I am renewing. I have accepted my fate instead of cursing it. There are things that I know that I never did before. Faith is a wonderful thing. It can lift you up and at times it can cause a lot of pain as it did when I felt that my faith had betrayed me, and when Johnny was frightened by his because of the way the Bible had been taught to him. I no longer believe in God I Know He exists and is always with me. I know too that tho I can not see and touch him any more that Johnny is still with me. Too many things have happened sense he died that can not be ignored. Things that tell me he is with me and always will be. When the bad days come and I feel that I just can not go on another minute with the pain and loss inside of me, something will happen to let me know that both Johnny and God are by my side. It is that Knowledge not belief that keeps me going and lets me live and learn. Later in my writings I will share some of those things. For now let it suffice to say I KNOW and BELIEVE and those are the things that help my soul and spirit to renew.

Bless you and yours in this new year. I hope your health and that of your daughter as well as your other loved ones will not only stay stable but improve. If you ever head south into California on Interestate 5 stop by to see me. My home will always be open to you. My larger home, this beautiful area, will welcome you with serenity and peace!!

As always your friend Lillian

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I didn't know you live in California. I live in Corona, CA off of the 91 Freeway. Don't ever think you are babbling. That is what this site is all about, saying how you feel and sharing with friends. It is nice to see that you are doing well and want to wish you continued strength and faith. Please keep posting, I enjoy reading your posts. Praying for you and may God keep you safe and healthy... "Happy 2004 New Year"

Peace, warm hugs and God Bless


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