Hi and help

[Gigs]

Hello I am gigs. My mother in law was diagnosed with extensive lc last week. Over the week end she tells me that they do not have a diagnosis yet. I think she is in denial but she is 1500 miles away and it is hard to tell. She told me not to tell her son, my husband and I am struggling with this.

She had stage 1 breast cancer about 7 years ago and did have a lumpectomy but did not complete the radiation treatment prescribed. About a year later she was told they thought she had lc but but after a failed and painful attempt to do a biopsy she did not see a doctor of any kind for more than a year. She saw an unlicensed holistic healer and did have a pet scan which showed a tumor. Again she stopped seeing doctors and all treatment. Now after months of pain from what she thought was an injury to her back and the chirpropactor being unable to help she was convinced to see a doc again. She is in pain all the time, short of breath to the extent that I a can hear it on the phone. She has had stays, MRI, blood tests and fluid removed from the sack around her lung on Friday.

On Friday she said the doc said stage 4 lung and bone cancer. On Saturday she said the doc did not tell her a diagnosis.

I am far away, confused, scared, worried.

How do I get the straight skinny? How do i tell my husband. When i get the info what I do?

We have a trip there scheduled in month that she does not know about

[Guest]

i know if it was me i would just try and be there and let her know you care.. right now she is prolly in shock and scared herself. i know also she may feel like theres no hope and does not want to bother with all this. let her know life is precious and not to give up. it might be good to make that trip and see if you can help her in any way. i think also if it was me i would not keep this info from my husband im sure as a mom she dont want him to worry but if you hold this information from him and something bad happens to her and he finds out you know. he might hold a grudge forever.

[Gigs]

Thank you. I am still going in November but feel like I should go asap. Money unforturnatly is a factor. I know that in the coming time I will be going more frequently. I know my husband should know but am afraid if i go against her wishes she will shut me out again. They do not have a good relationship and have not actually spoken and almost 3 years. I can not stand the idea of her going thru this alone.

[Ry]

You need to tell him. You need to tell her this is not something you can keep from your husband. Tell her you want to be there to support her but you can't do it without informing your husband. If you don't tell him they may lose whatever time they have to repair the relationship.

[Joppette]

Gigs,

I have to agree with Ry on this. Stage IV with mets to the bone means this is extensive. Given the fact that she has refused medical treatment until it has got this bad, it's likely she may not have a lot of time left. She and her son should be given the opportunity to make their ammends before it is too late. If she dies, and he finds out you knew about her illness, it's going to put a wall up in your marriage too.

We can't know all the dynamics going on here, we've just "met" you. But given our experience with this disease, we can only offer our best advice.

I pray you can come to the right decision and soon.

Judy in MI

[Gigs]

Thank you. I have a call in to her "doc" in the hope to get better info before telling DH. I found out she did put me on her HIPAA recently so the doc should give me some basic info.

The last few nights have been impossible for me. In the day I can preoccupy myself but at night....

I not only want to tell him but i want to go there and see what shape she is really in and take to the docs and get the info first hand. Just in the last two days of reading this site I have some many questions to ask of the doc like why did she not have the fluid removed on friday tested?

I am a person who takes care if things what ever they are. I do not sit back easily.

[Joppette]

Gigs, if she gave you HIPPA permission, they have to tell you anything you ask about her. You are legally allowed to know everything about her condition. Ask away!

Judy in MI

[dianew]

I just want to welcome you here, and to say that I concur with the advice the others have given. I think I would talk with the doctor first so that you have as much info as possible about her diagnosis and possible treatment, and then I would tell her that you cannot keep this information from your husband.

Please keep us posted and take care of yourself as well.

Diane

[Gigs]

Thanks all.

I have tried for two days with no luck. I have decided to call everyday until I speak to someone with info or MIL cuts off my access which might happen. She is a very private person.

I told DH last night. We are heading there in 3weeks. It has been planned for a while but we are now talking about different tasks while there.

She has very limited resources. Any advise on where to turn? Even the copays for the tests are putting a strain on her. We can help some butbthus far she does not want it.

[Gigs]

Still have not spoken to doctor. A receptionist did call Thursday night and say the doc would call Friday evening. no call. The recp. did tell me beast met to lung and spine, most of which i knew or guessed. Last night she complained about her leg being very swollen. I think she was going to call doc today. I will check up tonight. I have not been able to get thru to the office so who knows if MIL did.

keep us in your thoughts. it is going to be a long two week till i get there to see what is really happening.

[dianew]

Wow - shame on the doctor! Your MIL is very lucky to have you. Keep us posted.

[Gigs]

The saga continues. The doc did call tonight. Wants MIL to see oncologist and had scheduled an appointment for her tomorrow. MIL refuses and cancelled the appointment. Did not call the doc today. Doc say est 6 months if she dos nothing. She should not be driving due to the pain med. I already guessed that but she lives to far from most stores and there is no taxi or bus service where she is. A battle for another day.

Anyway. got a call back from docs office. Doc called MIL and she is refusing to go see the doc re leg. Docs office feels I/we should come down asap. Tried to tell DH but too wound and did not do a good job. he want me to talk to him later. That of course just makes me more nuts. He has taken dogs for a walk and I am typing maybe we will talk when he gets home. I want to book a flight tonight because I found a surprisingly good deal for Wednesday am. I could have her to the doc by the afternoon if the fights are on time.

[jaminkw]

What a situation in which to be caught up! I'm guessing you didn't tell your MIL that you told your husband. I would be going again the group consensus here but that's the way I would have done it. I know it sounds wrong, but telling her you couldn't keep it from him at the distance you live could have resulted in her cutting you out. You sound like her primary support and I think that trumps honesty at this point. No when you get there, that's something that you'll have to deal with but at least it will be ftf.

I am so sorry for this family crisis. Please check in with us as often as you need. Someone will always be here. Good luck when DH comes home.

Judy in KW

[Gigs]

Thanks for words of wisdom and support. I found out yesterday that she does have a friend near by that is worried too. Mil talks to her every few days. Friend has demanded a key and my contact info. She called me yesterday and mil told me last night she gave then info tonher friend.

Mil told the friend she is upset DH has not called because she thinks I told him. $&)&)$)$$($. So I told him everything last night and he tried to call her. Got the machine and left a message.

After talking to her last night I am not going south. She " wants time". Everyone leave her alone. She does not even what me to call and that means she will not answer the phone. I can not force her. I am struggling with my desire to help her live a little longer and or have a better quality of life in the time she has left against her fear/ideology of modern medicine is all bad and doctors are only out for the all mighty dollar. That last part was almost a quote from last night.

I am greatful to have found this place where I can vent to peoplenwho understand.

[jaminkw]

Don't know if this will help or not. I have an older sister who has a thing about people "knowing her busiess." Don't know what business she is talking about. She is retired on SS and a small schoolteacher's pension. Last year she was hospitalized. Neither of her sisters or cousin/sisters we grew up with were on the list to get info. She has made a young friend in AZ who took her to the hospital and visited her there. Even she was not on the list. The person listed was a friend from when my sister lived in the Carolinas. Long story short it created a big hoo-ha in the family. At my wits end, when the event was over and she was home, I took it upon myself to tell her she has the right to live her life however she chooses. I told her we were not interested in "knowing her business," just getting info on the health and well-being of our sister. I added that if she choose to live her life in this manner, she had to accept the consequences. In this case some hurt feelings and some very pissed off family members. She thanked me for telling her. I found out later she talked to another family member she is closer to. That person confirmed what I said, that she was deeply hurt by the turn of events. Next time my sister was to have minor surgery, we were all kept in the loop.

I know your MIL's situation is different but the point I wanted to make was sometimes it does help to tell people how you feel in a nonemotional nonconfrontational tone. This is just so wrong. I said I'd tell DH if I were you but not tell her you did. She set you up to push you away and him confirming he knew walked the two of you right into the trap. I don't know what I'd do now except tell her how you feel--hurt, angry etc. at being cut out at this time of her life. That is if you are not largely relieved. I wouldn't blame you if you were.

Judy in KW

[Gigs]

Being relieved would be a blessing i think but it is not who i am. I will worry till it is over and then feel guilty I could not do more. I am working on the last part.

Last year when my grandmother was dying I spent most nights by her side at the nursing home. Those nights I was not there my mother was. She was ill during some of the time so it was mostly me. i/we felt it important because of the lack of staff at night. During the day many other people vistited/checked in included the hospic staff and volunteers. I would have moved her to my house in those last months if I have the POA. anyway, The night she died my mom left at 9pm and I was to get there around 9;15. as i pulled up my vision went off and I new I was getting a migraine. went in the lobby, took my meds and sat down. I had the worst headache version of a migraine i have ever had and only kissed her on the forehead and told her I would be back in the morning. We got the call just after i got home. It has taken months to get passed felling like I failed. Not being alone was a big thing for her. My grandmother had breast cancer met to lungs and pos brain at end. she was 95 when diagnosed and sharp. she chose not to do anything. It when to her lung at 97 and she moved to the nursing home. She was 99.5 when she died.

MIL does not know tat DH knows. She will not answer his calls and I have not told her. She only thinks I did and has confided in her friend this. My hope is that she will tell him when/ if she answers one of his calls. I did tell him and he understand the reason for the slight of hand with her.

I am not as close to MIL as I was to my GM but I fight every day the urge to get on a plane. Last night I could just no go home after a meeting. I sat in my car in a parking lot for an hour and then went to a bar for 1. having this out let even if only typing and knowing that someone is listening is a blessing.