Barb1987 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Hi, I'm new here and right now am feeling a bit overwhelmed and frightened. My husband was informed by the Oncologist last Wednesday that the cancer has spread via his blood to his lungs, the lymph nodes in the chest and lymph nodes under his armpits. He also has some fluid in 1 lung - the Oncologist said it could be because of the cancer. So he has secondary lung and lymphatic cancer. They will not offer chemotherapy as he is not well enough and have referred him to the care of Hospice (carers of people with a life-limiting illness) for pain management and anything else they can help with. While I appear to be holding it all together on the outside, I'm feeling quite hysterical inside and feel a bit helpless as to what to do with these feelings. I have 'burst out' a couple of times, which I'm told is not good for anyone under these circumstances but I simply don't know what to do with it all. Help and suggestions would be most welcomed. Thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tylalla Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Hello Barb,I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this. Cancer truly is a beast of a disease and it is cruel to everyone it hits, even caregivers. We all feel the need to "burst out" now and then and you definitely have the right to. This is all very stressful and can be difficult to comprehend. You might want to ask at your husbands place of treatment if they know of any support groups close by. It can really help to have someone to talk to who understands what you're going through. We are always here to offer a sympathetic ear and advice and even a virtual hug. I pray you find some peace and comfort and your husband finds healing.Stay in touch,MichelleSent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk MaryTD777 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb1987 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 Hi Michelle, Thank you for your reply. My husband isn't actually in care at present. The Hospice group come to his home and make decisions based on what they see and what he/I tell them. While it's 'early days' on the morphine thus far, none of us know how long he has, however the Dr's have said they can do no more for him, so it is just palliative care from here on in. I do my best to keep it all going but every now and then it just kicks in a bit and for the two times I've had my melt-downs, I've been told by other members of the family and people I fellowship with that I musn't show my feelings in front of him. I can't quite understand this because my husband and I know each other quite well and although, I am strong most of the time, he knows that this gets to me now and then too. Anyway, I feel as if I'm rambling now, so sorry about that, and talk again soon. Thank you once again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Galli Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Barb, Welcome here. Lung cancer is a b***h! It is often discovered late and for many palliative care is the best form of treatment. During my many recurrences, my oncologist, wife, and I had many conversations about palliative care when curative treatments were not working. Consequently, we were able to formulate our plan for palliative care. From reading your post, it looks like you folks didn't have a lot of time to think about your palliative care objectives were. So, I'll share mine with you. I wanted my life in the palliative stage to be as normal as possible. I wanted to be home, enjoy the company of my friends and family, interact with my pets and partake in all those tasty treats my wife -- the queen of desserts -- can generate. I also wanted to be able to leave the house to see a movie or go out to dinner with friends. In summary, I wanted to live, even though I understood the time would be short. There were many meltdowns. I melted down, then my wife would melt down but after the drama, we's go back to the plan and remember what our objective for seeking palliative care was -- living an enjoyable and meaningful life. I challenge those that tell you not to display feelings to explain how that is not possible. But, confine those feelings to sadness about the situation, not mourning. This period is still a time for living. Now for some suggestions. During my fourth line treatment, that was unsuccessful, we discovered the power of photographs of our lives and we'd spend hours in front of the computer reviewing all the good, bad and ugly memories we shared together. You know, every family has that "holiday melt down" and it was high drama at the time, but years later it was fodder for laughter. We'd page through those memories and harvest the meaning in our lives. I did not get admitted to hospice. I got lucky and a form of stereotactic radiation was approved for lung cancer patients. This radiation allowed me to avoid the hospice admission. But we prepared for hospice. In my long tenure of surviving lung cancer, I've interacted with many who entered palliative care. I've spent hours answering questions like "what next" or "what do we do." Your palliative care providers might be able to help you answer those questions or refer you to someone who can. I tell people who ask me that cancer is a disease of life and death. While life is available, I choose to live it and search for joy and when I find it, I share it with those I love. Stay the course. Tom Lydia V and LaurenH 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lydia V Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Wow, Tom, your message regarding palliative care was right on. The only thing I can add is usually hospice includes support for family members. Many time that person can facilitate discussions between the patient and their family members. It is never wrong to show or share your emotions but sometimes a 3rd party can help it to be done in a way that can be very therapeutic and positive for all involved. Many times when emotions are high, accurate communication can be a challenge. Best Wishes to you. Lydia Tom Galli 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lydia V Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Barb, My heart goes out to you and your husband. As a patient, sometimes I think this process is more challenging for the family members than it is for the patient themselves. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Lydia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue1147 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 (edited) My daughter was diagnosed jan.24! I have run the whole range of emotion in just these 3 weeks! She is only 38 and I was terrified, angry, begging, hysterical and a lot of other things! I have leaned heavily on my faith and the knowledge I am gaining on this terrible disease. I have done most of my meltdowns with my husband, friends and alone! But she and I have also had some crying time together! I think you have to let it out! Right now she is doing ok! We have just started radiation, waiting to go on one of the new drugs! Thank God her doctors are optimistic that medical advances are on her side! You are in my prayers and we are here for you! Edited February 18, 2017 by Sue1147 Hear should be here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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