St. Paddy's Day Chuckles

[Snowflake]

Three guys –– one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. As they walk, they find a lantern and wouldn't you know it? A Genie pops out of it!

"I will give you each one wish," she said, "That's three wishes in total."

Thinking for a moment, the Scottish man says, "I am a fisherman; my Father is a fisherman; his Father was a fisherman; and my son will one day be a fisherman. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

So, with a blink of the Genie's eyes –– Whap! Every ocean was teaming with fish.

The Englishman was simply amazed, and did not need to think about what his wish would be. "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."

Once again, in the blink of the Genie's eye –– Poof! There was now a huge wall around all of England.

With a studious look, the Irishman steps up to the Genie and asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall..."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, and is 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

A faint smile on his lips, the Irishman says, "Okay... Fill it up with water."

An Irishman went in to a pet shop, walked over to the bird cages, and asked the owner how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99," replied the shop owner.

"Give us the lot" said the Irishman. He paid for them and left.

On his next stop, he went to a tailor's shop and had 99 pockets sewn into his jacket. He then put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off...

The Irishman hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by happened upon him and asked what had happened.

"I don't know sir," replied the Irishman, "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman go into a pub and each orders a Guiness. Upon being served, each of them finds a fly in their beer.

Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back.

The Scotsman casually flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking the beer.

The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up and out by its wings. He stares the fly right in the face and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

One day a Rabbi and an Irish priest find themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "You know Rabbi, I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork. But I just have to ask... Have you ever actually tasted it?"

The Rabbi smiled and said, "I must tell the truth. Yes I have, on one occasion."

Then the Rabbi took his turn of interrogation, and turned to the priest and asked, "Your religion... I know you're supposed to remain celibate..."

The priest interrupted him saying, "Yes, yes, I know what you're going to ask. I did succumb once or twice."

For the next few minutes, they rode in silence. Then the Rabbi peered around the newspaper he was reading and whispered, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.

The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.

Over the next few weeks, the man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.

When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."

One day, an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer found themselves sitting together in a train carriage going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages, so it went completely dark.

Suddenly a distinct "kissing noise" could be heard, followed by the sound of a loud slap!

When the train emerged from the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as though nothing had happened, but the Englishman had his hand against his reddened face; clear that he'd been slapped!

Here's what the Englishman was thinking:

"Hmmm... that Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer. Guess she missed him and slapped me instead...."

Here's what Claudia Schiffer was thinking:

"Wow. That English fellow must have tried to kiss me and accidentally kissed the Irishman and sure got slapped for it!"

Here's what the Irishman was thinking:

"This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing sound and I can slap that English fool again!"