Guest Posted March 14, 2004 Share Posted March 14, 2004 Greetings one and all! My best friend/lover/companion passed away on Jan. 9,2004 after a 17 month battle with cancer. He didn't have lung cancer, it was muscle-invasive bladder/mets to bone with 17 lymph nodes testing positive. He had his bladder removed in Sept 2002 and started chemo/rad therapy. In June 2003 we went on a family cruise and in Oct 2003 we took 2wks and went to his favorite place in Mexico. By that time, he'd had enough of chemo and pain and we decided to let nature take its course. I took a leave from work XMas week to stay home with him, and with the help of hospice, he passed away in his own bed, quietly, at home. Taking care of him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I learned so much about myself and him during the whole process. I'd like to help those caregivers who are having a hard time dealing with watching a loved one fight this brave battle. There are so many emotions, so many decisions and so much to talk about. As primary caregivers, we have to make sure we take care of our own mental health to be of help to those we are caring for. I applaud, support and pray for those here and everywhere who are affected by this horrendous disease. And a big thanks to DeanCarl with whom I've had the great pleasure to talk for pointing me to this site. He and his lady Gay are brave people, and I'm glad to call them friends! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeanCarl Posted March 14, 2004 Share Posted March 14, 2004 Well howdy!!! Glad you decided to join our little enclave! Folks, this is one lady who's "been there and done that" when it comes to being with someone battling cancer and has done it with grace and dignity. Shaydie (I won't use your real name 'til you do ), you KNOW how much your support and friendship has ment to me and Gay. I'm glad you decided to come here and share a little of who you are and what you've been through with us! Dean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted March 14, 2004 Share Posted March 14, 2004 Welcome, Shaydie! I am also a primary caregiver, and I agree it is the hardest job I have ever had, but also the most rewarding. Let us in on some of your wisdom. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 Aw shucks, Dean ... you're gonna make me blush! But thank you for your kind words. Don, it' nice to meet you and you have my admiration for what you're doing. I think the hardest part of taking care of a loved one is feeling so darned helpless. You can sit there and listen to what all the doctors say, you can dispense meds, fix a meal, change the bed (or the Depends ), help them shower ... all of those things, and you still feel totally helpless. One thing I found immensely helpful was keeping an online daily diary. I wrote in it every night before I went to bed, giving voice to me fears, my tears, my doubts ... everything. It helped, and as I go back and re-read it, it helps me remember how strong I am now that he's gone. If I could get through that, I can get through anything! I'd be happy to share the link with anyone who's interested, but a warning: it's detailed and emotional. The best advice I can give anyone is to communicate and laugh. We laughed a lot, especially near the end. And we cried together too. But we were honest and open about everything. One important thing too, is that without my faith to keep me going, my mental outcome may have been significantly different. Anything I can do to help, any questions I can answer, please please don't hesitate to ask. Just know that this is a very special place with lots of very special people to help you and your wife get through this. Isn't love wonderful? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheresaKB Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 Welcome Shaydie, Thank you for joining our group. I was and still am the primary caregiver to my Mom when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and later on to my Dad who died of lung cancer. The hardest decision I made was when we had to call in hospice for my Dad. For a long time I stood my ground against my siblings and Mom when they suggested hospice. For me it was as if we had givne up on my Dad. But once we had hospice I realized that it was the best decision we made for our Dad. My Dad passed away at my home surrounded by my sister and my Mom and me. Hospice was a Godsend. Once again, welcome and I hope to see you around as you traverse this awesome site. Theresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 I would love to read the online diary you wrote as I have a brother who is stage 4 and I have read Final Gifts which helped immensily. Thank you for being so open as to let us read it. God Bless You Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 I don't mind sharing at all. It was a relief to be able to give voice to all those feelings bouncing around in my head. I knew it was going to be a growth experience for me, but I had no idea how much. My main concern was "am I doing the right thing...am I taking good enough care of him ... can I do this". And all the usual questions about God, mortality, confidence, etc. I hope this journal helps just one person realize that they'll be ok, and that all those questions and feelings are perfectly normal. It was a soul-baring experience for me, and I highly recommend to anyone that they try to keep a journal. I can't expess how much it helped. Especially now, when I go back and read it when I feel depressed and deserted and realize how much I've grown emotionally and spiritually, it reinforces my resolve that I'm ok. Read it and take what you can from it with my love and blessing. Know that you're in my prayers too. I firmly believe that God has a special place for those that care for a terminally ill loved one. It's a special gift to yourself as well. God Bless! http://journals.aol.com/AsstrlVisn/Jaye/entries/93 (copy & paste would be sooo much easier!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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