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Hour by hour and day by day


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I'm not quite sure how to start this. I usually end up with too many words but for once I'm not sure I have the words to explain what is going on with me or how I am feeling.

I know that I have been absent from here a lot lately. Partly that has been for lack of time but to be honest it has also been a choice that I have had to make. I still come here and read to catch up on everyone tho not as often as I did. For so many months I let it feel like an obligation to come several times a day and that was working on my emotions so much that it was keeping me down in that pit that I have trouble climbing out of. I have decided that I can not abandon this site nor the friends that I have made here but I do have to look for my welfare as well. The constant emotional upset was just taking too heavy a toll on me.

I am still working my part time learning job in the legal aide office and that has proven to be very stressful tho a good distraction for me. My other job is slowly taking off but it takes time. I am still required by the agency that sponsers me for my part time job as well as the unemployment office to continue my job search even tho I do have this other job that I am working my way up in. It is all very time consuming. I spend most of every week day in town but still earn barely enough to survive. Maybe at this time that is what I need. I have so much on my mind but keeping busy helps the my days pass very quickly and keeps my mind from dwelling on the things that hurt me most.

Three weeks ago I learned that one of Johnny's sisters was found dead. They are still not sure what her cause of death was. It is being investigated for foul play. Considering that one of his sisters was murdered in 1974 and the way he died that was nothing short of murder this is just one thing that is almost too much for my mind to accept. Add to that his brother took a turn for the worse last week and nearly died. He is much better now against all odds but it has left all of his family and me very stressed and depressed.

Two weeks after the fire went through here I finally decided that I was ready to have television again. Sense that time I have spent every weekend watching huricanes. Ann has become a very dear friend and I am constantly concerned about her and then Ivan threatened my family and destroyed much in Pensacola a place very close to my heart.

These things have all taken a heavy toll on me but I have handled them by living hour by hour and day by day. With Johnny's death I lost all of my dreams. With no dreams left the future becomes very frightening. The only way I can face it is to not think about it and take the most I can from each minute. This area where I live is still very charred. There are areas where new growth is starting even with no rian. Nature has a way of renewing itself. I hope that in time I will see the beauty here that I did before the fire. One way or another this is my home. Sense the fire I realize that for the first time other than the few precious months that I had with Johnny I am home. That is something that I have needed and searched for for most of my life. I have good neighbors and friends something that was very scare in my life for many years. I have much to be thankful for. Still when night falls all of the other worries depart and I find myself so alone and aching so much for Johnny and the love and closeness that we shared. I doubt those feelings will ever go away but I am learning to live with them. Sometimes I almost feel like all of the other things I worry about are just smoke screens to keep me from constantly facing the pain and loss that I live with. It works for a few hours a day so that is something to be thankful for despite the stress.

As I once again face the aniversary dates of those last months and weeks of Johnny's life I am frightened by what they could do to me. Because of that I have chosen to not visit this board as often. Please know that all of you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers even when I don't come here. I could never abandon you completely but I do have to look out for myself. I can't continue to live with my emotions so raw and expect to be able to do what I need to survive. Even with no dreams left the survival instinct is still in tact. Sometimes I wonder why but nonetheless I obey.

My sympathy is with all who have lost a loved one recently. I won't name anyone for fear of missing someone but please know that I grieve with you. I know your pain as only someone who has been there can. God bless and look after all of you my friends. Lillian

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