[Don’t Tell Me What to Do; HELP Me Do It! Or: If You Give a Caregiver a Cookie…]

Thank YOU, my friend!

UGH, I am so sorry for the texts and the comments from the aunt brigade. I totally get it, and I know everyone here totally totally understands. Don't you just love when folks' idea of help is help that they can give on their schedule and with their own priorities and preferences?

I'm especially sorry that your aunt's particular sort of self-care is harmful, and that you have to witness that on top of everything else you are dealing with. 

Thank you for the sense of perspective: I have often come close to thinking that one advantage of not having much local family is the lack of interlopers, but I have yet to be wise enough to think that through. Thank you for sharing this nugget of truth with me! You are so right that managing help--wanted or unwanted--is a job unto itself. They don't call them "personal assistants" for nothing! Ha!

And thank you, also, for the point about the to-do list. It is so profound what ticking through a list can do for your soul, isn't it? You raise such a phenomenal point about the list giving us some modicum of control over our days!

I am SO thankful for you, as well. Thank you so much for your kind words, my friend. We are all a family and we are all in this together!

💚💚💚

[The Pivot]

Beautifully said (as always!), my friend. Amen. Absolutely. Unfortunately, for my part, I never have the time or energy to lay out the proofs or disputes as thoroughly as I wish to or should. The pivot was, at the end of the day, an almost selfish solution, because it only leads to determining whether the person can be of use for my purposes or my mom's purposes, but it does not solve the root issue, which is absolutely the more important problem. 

[On Routines, Resets, and Resources: Part 3 of 3]

Thank you so much, Tom! Means quite a lot coming from you. Thank you for all of your wisdom that you share here and elsewhere with the community!

[On Routines, Resets, and Resources: Part 1 of 3]

On 9/7/2017 at 4:14 PM, Steff said:

Thank you, Danielle.

Thank you for putting so eloquently everything that I feel and everything that I don't know how to say (or don't want to say). I personally thrive with schedules and routines. Anything out of the ordinary puts me in a fury and I want to melt. My mom's cancer feeds my fury daily!  I typically want to punch people when they tell me to make sure I am taking care of myself. Your statement "so much of what we really want for self-care is actually just a return to routine" hits the nail directly on its head.  There is no better way to describe the joyous and often tumultuous job of care giving. Thank you, thank you. I am crying because someone else "gets it" and has so perfectly written what so many of us feel. 

Steff,

Oh, my friend! Thank you for your kind words. Thank you so much for commenting and venting! I feel you. I love how you say "melt." That's such a perfect word. And I feel the exact same way when people tell me to take care of myself. I know they mean well, and I know it's healthy, but...you know. You get it! Please reach out to me ANY time. The beauty of us understanding what each other are going through is that we can BE there for each other! Sending you SO much love, girlfriend!!!

[On Routines, Resets, and Resources: Part 1 of 3]

On 9/7/2017 at 9:15 AM, Tom Galli said:

Danielle,

Oh my, there is so much to digest in part 1 but that said, I yearn for parts 2 and 3 of your Three Rs.  

Lung cancer: the surprise that keeps on surprising.  I was the patient.  I had it easy compared to my wife's continuous reset of her life while tending to me.  This is wisdom for the ages.

Well said, no extremely well said!

Stay the course.

Tom

Thank-you so much, my friend! That means the world, coming from you. I wouldn't exactly say you patients have it "easy!" It's so strange how it's all a dance of different responsibilities and different sacrifices. Thank-you so much for your kind words.

Right back atcha. 

DP