Steff

Susan,
I read your post a few days ago and it really hit me, but I didn't have the words or thoughts of how I wanted to reply since I am not the cancer survivor and don't want to make everything about me.  But I too, as a care advocate for my mom, feel the nagging thoughts in my everyday activities.  And honestly, I think you all do so much better in dealing with those nagging thoughts than I do.  I will use my mom as an example...I speak to her everyday via phone.  Yesterday happened to be the first day we did not talk about cancer, how she is feeling, upcoming appointments, etc for nearly a year.   I had decided after reading your post that I would not be the one to bring up cancer in our phone visits unless something major was going on (I really had to look at what I consider to be MAJOR because I think EVERYTHING is MAJOR!!!). I realized that I was probably putting my nagging thoughts onto her and that is the last thing she needs.  And voila, when I did not bring up cancer she did not either! So, although I cannot help with any "words of wisdom" in regard to dealing with nagging thoughts (since I totally suck at it!!!), I want to let you know that you are not alone. And I also want to say thank you...although I am sure it wasn't your intention, you helped me to realize how I can be unintentionally placing my baggage onto my mom when I really try hard not to.
I hope that those nagging thoughts lessen for you and for all survivors.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Take Care,
Steff

Susan,
I read your post a few days ago and it really hit me, but I didn't have the words or thoughts of how I wanted to reply since I am not the cancer survivor and don't want to make everything about me.  But I too, as a care advocate for my mom, feel the nagging thoughts in my everyday activities.  And honestly, I think you all do so much better in dealing with those nagging thoughts than I do.  I will use my mom as an example...I speak to her everyday via phone.  Yesterday happened to be the first day we did not talk about cancer, how she is feeling, upcoming appointments, etc for nearly a year.   I had decided after reading your post that I would not be the one to bring up cancer in our phone visits unless something major was going on (I really had to look at what I consider to be MAJOR because I think EVERYTHING is MAJOR!!!). I realized that I was probably putting my nagging thoughts onto her and that is the last thing she needs.  And voila, when I did not bring up cancer she did not either! So, although I cannot help with any "words of wisdom" in regard to dealing with nagging thoughts (since I totally suck at it!!!), I want to let you know that you are not alone. And I also want to say thank you...although I am sure it wasn't your intention, you helped me to realize how I can be unintentionally placing my baggage onto my mom when I really try hard not to.
I hope that those nagging thoughts lessen for you and for all survivors.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Take Care,
Steff

And, what of hope?  What is the essence of it?
Words inspire me.  They lift my spirit and excite my soul.
Especially two simple words: faith and hope.
These words have a natural order. Indeed one must have faith before hope is possible.
So the question becomes, what is faith?
Faith is belief, conviction, an unshakable confidence, that something unseen, untouchable, or unknowable exists.
I have faith my chemotherapy treatments will arrest my cancer.  I cannot see them working, nor can I touch the chemicals.  I cannot know they are working but my belief is strong, resolute and unshakable. I have faith.
And because I have faith, hope is possible.  What is the essence of hope?
Hope is an expectation of a good outcome.  For those with lung cancer, we hope against hope. We cling to slim odds; we rejoice at possibility despite monumental probability. Indeed, we who suffer lung cancer are hopers.  And, "hope is a good thing"; "hope is maybe the best of things."
Hope gives us purpose. It stiffens resolve. It creates strength to endure.  Hope sustains.  Without doubt, hope lifts my spirit and excites my soul.
"Out of the night that covers me, 
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be,
For my unconquerable soul."
I believe I shall live to enjoy the simple things, the little things, the important things. My faith in life is unshakable. I hope to live each day to find little pieces of joy. When found I shall rejoice. For the magic of life is joy. But the essence of life is faith and hope.
Stay the course.

Doing a happy dance for you today, Susan. 💃

Doing a happy dance for you today, Susan. 💃

Doing a happy dance for you today, Susan. 💃

February 22,1019 -- 3 toes! Marked it on my calendar.
Stay the course Susan.....
Tom

By the way, I'll be adding a two red toe picture today.  

Congrats Tom! You are an inspiration for us all!

Steff,
Oh, my friend! Thank you for your kind words. Thank you so much for commenting and venting! I feel you. I love how you say "melt." That's such a perfect word. And I feel the exact same way when people tell me to take care of myself. I know they mean well, and I know it's healthy, but...you know. You get it! Please reach out to me ANY time. The beauty of us understanding what each other are going through is that we can BE there for each other! Sending you SO much love, girlfriend!!!

Thank you, Danielle.
Thank you for putting so eloquently everything that I feel and everything that I don't know how to say (or don't want to say). I personally thrive with schedules and routines. Anything out of the ordinary puts me in a fury and I want to melt. My mom's cancer feeds my fury daily!  I typically want to punch people when they tell me to make sure I am taking care of myself. Your statement "so much of what we really want for self-care is actually just a return to routine" hits the nail directly on its head.  There is no better way to describe the joyous and often tumultuous job of care giving. Thank you, thank you. I am crying because someone else "gets it" and has so perfectly written what so many of us feel.