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purplelady47

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Posts posted by purplelady47

    Survivors Fears

    in LC SURVIVORS

    Posted

    I've never posted in this part of the group because I didn't feel like a survivor. But recently I realized that I am a survivor - it's now seven months since I was diagnosed and I've gone from thinking "I am going to die of lung cancer" to "I am going to live with lung cancer". I have to admit, that without this board, I would still be thinking my initial thoughts.

    I have the typical fears that everyone has expressed here - I worry about the unknown, which I never worried about before my diagnosis. I worry about my children and how they are coping with my illness and how they would cope if things don't go well. I worry about how our lives have changed and how they might change. Of course, I have major concerns about progression - who doesn't? I often wonder how I would handle this, especially after seeing the strength and courage of so many of the members of our group.

    Right now, at the 7 month mark, I am dealing with my grief regarding the changes in my life - I am in "mourning" for the loss of my life as it was and I feel I am in the process of living and celebrating the "new normal" life. A few weeks ago I looked up the stages of grief and reviewed them - they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I couldn't pinpoint where I was at and I did some further reading. I found a good definition of grief "the total response to the process of change" and the stages of this definition of grief are:

    T - to accept the reality of the loss

    E - experience the pain of the loss

    A - adjust to the new environment of the loss

    R - reinvest in the new reality

    I feel that I still working on accepting the reality of the loss of my old life and I am adjusting to the new life. There are some days that I am a bucket full of angry because of my lung cancer. This surprises me, because I've not been an angry person prior to my diagnosis. In fact, I was quite the opposite. So there are days when the anger flares and I cycle into it. These days are quite debilitating and I really hate them. Although I hate them, I know that I must deal with this emotion - it has taken me many years to realize that I must feel my feelings and not ignore them. If I ignore them, I know they will come back and bite me in the butt later on down the road.

    I am trying to look at my anger as a very healthy sign while reinvesting in my new reality. I am learning to like my new reality - this too is a process that takes some time. I've stopped comparing the old normal to the new normal and I've found some of the inner peace in my life that was so lacking since the day of my diagnosis.

    I've never been one for making long range plans. Since my diagnosis, I have had difficulties making short range plans. At first, my short range plans were in three week increments - they revolved around my chemo schedule. Now I am in the 3 month short range planning stage, which is my follow-up schedule. This is working better for me than my 3 week short range planning schedule.

    I see my oncologist in 2 weeks and I am going to ask for a prescription to help with the emotional issues I have been experiencing. I don't want to get bogged down in all this grief and I know that I need some help.

    I am not the same person I was December 8th (the day before my diagnosis). Even with all the emotional stuff, I still like the "new" Pam. She's learned alot since that day and is slowly becoming the woman she longs to be.

    I have lots of living left to do. Cancer didn't change that.

    Pam in FL

    Holiday pass

    in MEMBER UPDATES

    Posted

    My darling son and I leave Wednesday (12 1/2 hours but who is counting?)to fly up to Philadelphia for a visit with my friends for the 4th of July holiday. My daughter & husband will be joining us from Baltimore for a few days. We return home on 7/6 and I am sure we will make some wonderful memories.

    Enjoy the Bash - maybe next year I will join you all!!

    Keeping everyone in my thoughts and heart,

    Pam in FL

    8)

    Is Neuropathy Permanent?

    in LC SURVIVORS

    Posted

    Hey there!!

    I also did Carbo/Taxol and experienced some neuropathy in my fingers and toes. I know it has decreased (It's been 2 months since my last chemo) because I stepped on a wasp and got stung 2 weeks ago and I sure could feel THAT!! And I recently burned my finger when removing a pan from the oven - minor burn, but I felt that too.

    :roll:

    I still have some neuropathy in my index finger and thumbs in both my hands, but I am hoping that will decrease. I make glass beads and it would be nice to be able to feel what I am holding, especially since I am so prone to injury because I am not very graceful!!! But if the sensation doesn't return, I will figure out how to compensate for the problem. Hopefully, it is just a matter of time.

    Pam in FL

    :)

    Need Hair Opinion from the Women of the Board

    in GENERAL

    Posted

    I have a 10 year old son and I knew that the physical changes I would go through would really bother him. I had long, blonde (out of a bottle) hair at the time of my diagnosis. When I found out that I was going to lose my hair, I cut it short (chin length) and went back to my real color. About 10 days after my treatment I had my hair cut real short, so that I wasn't dealing with tons of hair when it started falling out. I hated the "hair falling out" process, so I buzzed my hair off by myself. I didn't want anybody to do it for me in case I got upset. It is a startling change and quite honestly, I never got accustomed to it. I wore lots of head coverings and I got a couple of wigs of varying styles and lengths.

    I now have peach fuzz all over and I am not wearing anything on my head around the house anymore. I still cover my head when I go out - I figure when I can't see my scalp anymore is when I will go out without my hat in place.

    I printed up the Kemo Shark book http://www.kidscope.org/kemo.htm to help my son understand what I was going through. On the days that I didn't feel great, he would say "Oh the Kemo Sharks are working hard".

    Hope this helps for you too!

    Pam in FL

    Resentment Vent

    in CAREGIVER RESOURCE CENTER

    Posted

    Hey there Linda ~

    I am so glad you posted. Your words gave me great insight to many of the things my daughter might have to deal with. I am so very grateful.

    May I give you a little insight into my thoughts as a patient? I've always been very in control of my life and have been able to decisions after reviewing all the necessary data.

    Then came cancer and I am finding that I have a real difficult time making any decisions. I say I want to make a decision, I do a whole bunch of thinking and then I decide not to make a decision, which, in my pretzel logic thinking process, is making a decision. :wink: Go figure! I know that I am frustrating not only myself, but also many of my friends, who are sadly mourning the "old Pam". My inability to make a decision has not affected my daughter yet, thankfully.

    My daughter and her husband are talking about moving here to help me. Part of me thinks "No, don't move, live your own life. I don't need help." And another part of me is saying "YES!!! Get here NOW!! I need the comfort of your presence in my life." From my perspective as a Mom, I don't want to be a burden to her. Yet, I want the comfort of her presence. Too bad I can't have it both ways, you know? :(

    I haven't been through half the stuff your Mom has dealt with since her diagnosis and there are days when I feel pretty overwhelmed with all this cancer stuff. I've been able to deal with my treatments and doctors without the level of support and advocacy that your mother has needed. Between her illness and just the whole "I have cancer" thing, I am not surprised she is getting nasty. It's just one of the ramifications of the disease and I've been lucky that I haven't been nasty to those I love yet.

    I dealt with a very nasty and very ill Dad for many years. Your hair would stand on end if I told you some of the nasty things he said and did to me as his illness progressed. He hated his life and blamed me for everything that was wrong, starting with the death of my Mom.

    His nastiness really hurt me and it took me a long time to realize that his behavior wasn't my much loved Dad, it was his illness. I had to learn to put aside the ugly stuff and reach into my memory for the Dad that I knew and loved.

    I know you are stressed, frustrated, angry and probably pretty hurt by your Mom's words and actions. I felt that way with my Dad and then on top of that, I had great guilt because I of my feelings!! Yeesshhh!! It was a nightmare of emotions!!

    It's hard not to take this all personally when you are doing your absolute best to make your Mom's life as comfortable as possible and make beautiful memories together. I don't have any advice for you other than if you find a magic wand, please feel free to use it immediately. :D

    My Mom and I used to work on lots of projects together. We worked well and hard as a team. She once told me that the first and most difficult job we ever did together was the job of her laboring to give birth to me. My Mom was wrong - the most difficult job we ever did together was the final task we performed as a team - the job of giving some meaning and peace to the last months of her life.

    You are doing a wonderful job of taking care of your Mom under difficult and stressful conditions - emotionally and physically.

    Sending you strength, courage and serenity,

    Pam in FL

    Mom of 3 (diagnosed last week)

    in INTRODUCE YOURSELF!

    Posted

    Hello Lillian ~

    Your post brought back some memories for me of the days right after my diagnosis. Gosh, that was a scary time and I am terribly sorry you are experiencing this too. One of the most difficult parts about being a lung cancer survivor is the waiting times. Thank goodness you posted - if you have to deal with lung cancer, this is the best place to be.

    The stats are so scary so I stopped reading them. I've learned that there is so much living to do while dealing with lung cancer. It's hard to be positive when your life has so dramatically changed, but after a while, it won't be so scary and confusing.

    Lean on the group - we are here for you!!

    With a gentle hug,

    Pam in FL

    newbie

    in INTRODUCE YOURSELF!

    Posted

    Hello there Donna!!

    Welcome!! Sorry you had to find us, but we are glad to be your fellow travelers on this journey!!

    Yeah, the chemo is no picnic, that's for sure, but it is doable. Everybody has different experiences and hopefully you will be able to continue to deal with the side effects!!! I will keep you in my thoughts as your chemo continues.

    You have received some great ideas regarding the PET scan and something to relax you prior to the scan along with a CD with some favorite tunes would be a big help!!

    Thanks for joining us and hope we can be of some assistance to you!!

    With a smile,

    Pam in FL

    Getting to Know You - June 5

    in JUST FOR FUN

    Posted

    The withdrawal symptoms were awful!!!!!

    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

    I don't know how I survived!!! But I managed to get many domestic goddess chores done and I made some jewelry in between checking if the board was back up.

    So glad to "see" everyone again.

    Major thanks to Katie & Rick!!

    Pam in FL

    Not yet diagnosed....Waiting and Wondering

    in INTRODUCE YOURSELF!

    Posted

    Hi Lisa ~

    Gee, you are having a hard time getting a diagnosis! Thank goodness you are going to Moffit so the experts can sort this all out for you.

    I know the wait and the confusion is difficult and I bet it is just weighing on your mind. You can call scheduling at Moffit and ask them to call you if they have a cancellation. That might help!

    If that's not possible, know that we are all here for you!!

    Pam in FL

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