j's girl

Yay Nick!!!!!!! I haven't been around this board for quite a while. I am thrilled for you and understand a little of what it's like. My brother and his wife had their first child in May. He didn't seem nearly as excited as I thought he would/should. But now that baby is here, people always say that she's got Mom's eyes or Mom's hands and it's like a little piece of Mom is back with us. What ever you do, don't beat yourself up with "shoulds". Feel whatever you feel, just don't feel guilty about it. I'll definitely be checking back in 6 months or so to see your little one. Shauna

Teri, I am so very sorry to hear of Bill's passing. I truely miss his thought provoking posts and his wit. He touched many lives through his writing and he will live on forever through those words. My sincerest condolences. Shauna

It's really hard to believe the 1st anniversary of Mom's passing is approaching so quickly. In some ways it seems like an eternity has passed and in others it seems like yesterday. Because Mom passed suddenly, I can't help but wonder what life would be like if she were still alive. In my mind, I can still see the looks of fear in her eyes. It seemed like there were always tough decisions to be made and so much anxiety. I am glad she didn't have to endure the typical dying process. I feel a little guilty saying it, but if the alternative involved a lot of suffering, I'm glad she is free of it. Instead of focusing on MY loss, I choose to see it as her FREEDOM. I think the dialogue that we say over and over in our head really has a big impact on how we feel. Sounds corny I know but hear me out. When I feel down and out, I tell myself that Mom has taught me well and I can do this on my own. Or I tell myself it's time to fly on my own. After a while you actually start to believe it. I always keep in mind that I represent her. I am an example of her parenting skills, her values and her ethics. We've all had our share of misery because of lung cancer. It may have taken our loved ones, but we should do everything we can to deny it the power to take our spirits too. If there is anything that I've learned in the last year or two is that we're a heck of a lot stronger than we think we are. Since December I've been taking a small dose of Paxil. I was very hesitant to start it when my doc suggested it would help take the edge off all the challenges I was faced with. I can honestly say, it's the best decision I've ever been coxed into. I actually feel better than I have in a few years. I had a difficult pregnancy, and I think some post partum issues and then Mom was diagnosed. There should be no shame associated with taking an antidepressent. If grief an illness like diabetes, people wouldn't think twice about seeking treatment for it. I think the same attitude should be adopted for depression. I hope everyone can feel some relief from the grieveing process. Feeling better doesn't mean you don't love the person you lost. It just means you're taking care of yourself and that is what they would want. Shauna

Hi Becky and welcome. I lost my Mom to lung cancer in August of 06 and found this site after her passing. It really helped to know there were people going through the same things. I hope you find it as helpful as I have. Shauna

I too have been wondering about you too and really missing Bill's thought provoking posts. Teri, pleas let Bill know he's missed.

Kim my heart breaks for you. Know that your Mom knew everything you wanted her to know and felt every ounce of love you had for her and I'm very sure she knows how much you honor her and is very proud. I hope your pain eases soon. shauna

Nick, I am so sorry you're feeling like this right now. I've read some of the signs you've posted and I absolutely think your Mom was there. I kind of feel like we've been on this "grief journey" together. Our losses happened about a month a part. I feel like I know you. And I've read a few posts about your thoughts on parenthood. One day I actually thought to myself "This is why Nick should have kids". It was a day that I felt especially low until my two year old got me up and dancing in the kitchen. His laughter and joy is the absolute best medicine. Shauna

Flowergirlie, I too have thought of you and your husband often in all that you've been through. As you said, he is on a new journey now. Try to take comfort that he is at peace and free of pain. He will live on in your hearts and through your children. Shauna

Ellie, that quote perfectly explains my beliefs. Thank you for sharing it. I couldn't have said it better. Shauna

I definitely relate to this as well. I am 35 and have a 2 year old son. He was Mom's only grandson and the best medicine Mom received during her battle but I doubt he'll remember her. My brother and his wife are expecting their first child in May and he just doesn't seem as happy as he should be. Growing up, my Grandparents were a huge part of my life and my son and his cousin won't have the same experience. My FIL passed from kidney cancer 6 years ago. I just feel like a huge part of my son's heritage is gone. I value all the time I had with my Grandparents so much that it really makes me sad my son will miss it. Definitely there are different issues.

I'm going to use them for wedding shower gifts. I gave them for Christmas gifts and everybody loved them. There is such a wonderful variety of recipes!

Hey Andrea, will you be reducing shipping to Canada? I certaninly wouldn't expect it to be free! Shauna

Missy that was such an incredible post. It brought my Mom's battle back like it was yesterday. I think Moms and daughters have a special relationship that is beyond words. In so many ways we are so alike and we do for them what we would want for ourselves if in that position. I think that is where the strength comes from. Personally, I tried to bring as much normalsy to the situation as possible by talking about the things we always talked about. Cancer talk was always initiated by her, on her terms and schedule. She never saw me cry about it and I'm not the kind of person that holds it together easily. But I knew I had to do it for her. Keep your chin up. You're Mom is so lucky to have you for a daughter. I'm sure she is very very proud of you.

Aaron, Another good supplement for yeast is caprylic acid. It'll kill the yeast bacteria and leave the good gut bacteria alone. And make sure you get the refridgerated probiotic. A lot of us with ulcerative colitis find that there is a real pschological aspect to the urgency issue. Most of us have had "accidents" where we just don't get to the toilet in time. (Like you said, we're all family here right?) After that happens once, a person can really set themselves up for panic which in turn makes the urgency problem worse. Personally, I carry immodium and a spare pair of undies with me everywhere. It helps me feel like I'm prepared for the worst and I don't panic as much and therefore don't have accidents like I used to. If you can figure out a "safety net" for yourself to feel prepared for the worst, it'll help you feel at ease and maybe help settle your gut a little.

Tammy, I've started taking a whole lot of vitamins lately for my UC (including a sublingual B12) and it does make me feel a whole lot better. Plus I'm on Paxil as well. The Paxil has really kept me from coming apart at the seams through everything. A friend actually commented that I was a lot calmer than she would be if she were in my shoes. My reply was that the doc gave me some good drugs. I don't know if it was a lack of sleep, a grumpy kid, or what, but that night I just couldn't stop crying. I think what set everything off was the thought that I needed help and the one person that I would make a world of difference isn't here anymore. Don't get me wrong, we've had loads of support and offers of help and I appreciate all of them but having Mom here would have made everything easier. I love the rest of my family but there is no one like my Mom!