[Mom passed on 11/6]

What a good daughter you are, and I am so glad you have no regrets. You took care of your mom the way she took care of you, it all comes full circle. I remember when my mom was really sick from the chemo, I would hand off my kids to my dad and just lay at the bottom of her bed, just to let her know I was there, and to be near her. I touched her every chance I got and smelled her sweet smell - those are the kinds of things that stick with you.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I wish you peace...

[D-day #2]

Val, I'm so sorry. It's hard to imagine so much time going by without your mom in your life. I wish you any small measure of peace and comfort tonight...

I'm thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts and prayers.

[Babies R Us]

I just read your post and it made me so sad. I was lucky enough to have my mom for five years as an incredible grandmother to my kids, and the loss of her made me so sad and angry. She had such an impact on their young lives and was so intertwined in their existence..and in reality, they probably won't remember most of it. My siblings all have kids that in their teens and 20's, and I felt almost resentful that they had her for so much longer. And now I have a new baby boy that will never know her - she was so excited to meet him, and even as she was losing her battle a few months ago and was semi-conscious, she had her hand on my belly. In the midst of her dementia, she would yell out (with her eyes still closed) "Look, he's walking!" and "Michele, he is SO cute". The funny thing is we did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl at that point...but somehow SHE did.

I can't imagine how painful this is for you, not having the chance to experience this... I could say your mom is smiling from above and some things that are inspirational and such, but the bottom line is mostly it just hurts and it sucks. I sense the frustration and sadness in your post, I'm there too, and we can only hope it gets easier with time.

Having said all that, having your first child will certainly be bittersweet without your mom, but it will also bring you great joy. I thought I could imagine the love my husband and I would feel for our first baby, but when that little guy came along our lives turned upside down. From the minute he was born I felt like I would lay down on a train track for him, the love was so overwhelming. Your baby might actually help you heal and fill part of the void in your heart, you never know.

So hang in there...

[My mom's grandson is here...]

Hi everyone-

Just wanted to let you know I gave birth to my third child, and my mom's 15th grandchild, Conor Timothy, on Nov. 7th. He came two days after her what would have been my mom's 70th birthday, and just over three months after she left this life. He is a beautiful little boy with lots of dark hair. My mom would have worshipped him.

My husband, my two sisters and two of my nieces were there in the delivery room. I was thinking I would feel my mom's presence but it just felt empty where she would have been.

I have been almost too busy with the baby to cry over her not being here, but in the middle of the night when I'm feeding him I feel the tears come. She should be here with me, helping give him his first bath and bringing little presents for him, just like she did with my other babies. And now that the baby is here I have this feeling of what now? My sisters and I have thrown all of our emotions into getting this baby into the world healthy, it proved a good distraction up until now. Don't get me wrong, I love Conor with all of my heart and I'm so glad he's here...it's just not having Mom here makes it so much harder, and now that the holidays are approaching I feel the pain building. Thanksgiving without my mom at the helm is unthinkable - we are having it at my parents' house, as always, but it will not be the same without her. My sisters felt strongly about doing it there b/c my dad has been talking about selling the house since the day mom died - they wanted one last Thanksgiving there. My preference was to let sleeping dogs lie, let's just spare ourselves the pain and do it at someone else's house...every time I go there I have to look at the little crib she had set up in one of the bedrooms...already made up with sheets and full of stuffed animals. It's like a knife in my heart.

Anyway, I could babble on and on, but I have to go feed my little one - I barely have time to shower much less sit at the computer.

I read some of the latest posts and I am so very sorry to those of you that have lost your moms. Someone sent me a poem recently that I thought I would pass on:

She Lives Inside

Your mother is always with you.

She’s the whisper of leaves as you walk down the street.

She’s the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered clothes.

She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not well.

Your mother lives inside your laughter.

She’s crystallized in every teardrop.

She’s the place you came from, your first home.

She’s the map you follow with every step you take.

She’s your first love and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, not space, not even death will ever separate you from your mother.

You carry her inside of you – as she once carried you.

[3 months without Mom...]

Hey everyone-

I haven't been great about posting here, I've just been so sad. Tomorrow will be three months since I saw my mom take her last breath. I still can't BELIEVE she is gone forever.

I have a little over a week left until my baby's due date, which also happens to be my mom's birthday. I'm pretty uncomfortable and my OB's have offered to induce me, but this time I just want nature to take its course. And my mom to guide it. This baby came to be in February, a month after my mom was diagnosed, and it was quite a surprise. My husband and I were trying up until December for our third child and after many miscarriages, we were done...too painful. I kept the pregnancy news from my mom for many months b/c she was busy in her battle and I didn't want her to have to worry about me. I made her laugh later on when I told her that while she was upstairs throwing up from the chemo, I was outside throwing up in the bushes at the same time from my pregnancy in order to hide it from her! She was so excited about this baby, this "new life" as she called it. She was the best nana on the planet.

My three-year-old daughter and I were walking through Target last week, and out of the blue she asked me the same question she asks me often, “Can Nana talk?” I told her not really, but Nana can probably talk in Heaven. Then she said, “I’m goin’ to grow bee-yooful wings and fly up through the moon and stars to Heaven, and I’m goin’ to ask God if I can get Nana. An’ if he says yes, then I’ll take Nana and I’ll fly her down with me. Then I’m goin’ to take her to her house, where she can talk to Pop-Pop.” Amazing how you can walk through Target with tears running down your face....

Anyway, I've been doing better than I thought at this stage, I feel like I'm in a state of suspended animation. Mom's on a long vacation and I'll see her soon... I have dreams about her, and she's never aware of what's going on, she just kind of humors me as I hug and kiss her and tell her over and over how much I love her and miss her. I also have dreams that I'm talking to her on the phone but can't quite make out everything she is saying - I wake up with this feeling of desperation.

So that's all...I guess I'm trying to keep it together until this baby comes...and beyond, of course. I miss her SO much. I don't know what I will do without her in that delivery room.

Thanks for listening...

[Dad has passed away]

Losing a parent is so difficult - you are in my thoughts and prayers....

-Michele

[Just a dark, panicky night I guess.]

Dear Val,

I've been on and off this board...I could not get logged in for the longest time to respond to any posts - technical problems, I guess - and I finally just created another account and it worked.

First of all, I didn't know you were pregnant - congratulations! Life is truly a miracle, as we know. When is the baby due?

A recap - I lost my mom to SCLC on July 28th, and my baby is due on November 5th (her birthday). (God, every time I write or think about losing her, I cannot believe she is gone.) I have a six-year-old boy and three-year-old girl, both of whom worshipped her. She was there for both of their births, and moved right into our house afterward for a few weeks to do her mom/nana thing.

I cried when I read your post. I know that there is nothing like having your mom there when you've had a baby. And I know how you want her there to care for Carolyn as well. I'm so sorry that you didn't get to experience all of that with your mom.

Like you, I miss my mom every moment of every day. I pick up the phone almost every day to call her about something and realize I can't. There is something about not having your mom around as a grandmother to your children - I think it is one of the hardest losses for a daughter, especially those with babies and small children. My sisters and brothers have kids age 14 and up, and as much as they try to compare it, part of me thinks, at least their kids had her for that long, and will remember her and how much she influenced their lives. My kids will never remember the magnitude of the bond they shared with her, and the new baby will never know her at all. You know what, it just plain sucks. And as much as people say she'll be with you in spirit, etc...I believe that to some degree, but it's not enough. It has to be, but it's not. I want her here, holding my hand and crying tears of joy with me as that baby comes into the world. It hurts SO badly.

I'm going to have my dad come over to watch the kids when we go into the hospital...it doesn't sound like that's a great option for you afterward, though. I don't have anyone (in addition to my husband) to stay with me afterward either - I have two wonderful sisters who are local, but both work and have children. I am very lucky in that my husband has decided to take his four alotted weeks of paternity leave - I think he feels sorry for me. But he will spend most of his time with the kids, and my mom was always such a help with me and the baby, and she was able to manage me physically and emotionally. She knew exactly what I needed without me even asking.

What are the chances of your husband being deployed? It sounds like there is a good chance he WILL be there. And if not, don't panic - I bet many of those people you mentioned are LOOKING for a way to help you, and this would be their chance. Even if they rotate a bit. I know, this is just not what you want, and it's so hard with a newborn to have anyone but your mom around - especially while you're a post-partum mess. She just GETS it. Again, I share your fears and I'm so sorry we are living this.

I don't know how far along in the pregnancy you are, but now that I am only two weeks away from delivering, I have been able to ease some of the pain by thinking of this baby as a reality. A precious little piece of our family that needs me, that will give me unconditional love in return for the love I give him/her. I keep telling myself how much my mom would want me to keep it together and would insist that I be there for this baby and my other kids.

I'm sorry to ramble, I don't know what else to say, or if any of this is remotely comforting. Instead of offering comfort, I tend to spend more time commiserating over the pain of it all, and I don't know if that's good or bad. Although I don't find comfort in other people's pain, it does make me feel less alone in all this...and I hope that it helps others feel less alone.

Hang in there...

-Michele