MomsGirl

WOW!!! I popped back in here after a few years off, and coming across your post made my day! I remember when your dad was first diagnosed. That is truly the best, BEST news ever Jen...congrats to your dad for kicking SCLC's butt!

Sorry for double post, hopefully someone can delete it. Just started reading more posts - Randy still here, Teri (Bill was SO funny and entertaining)...the list goes on and on. Just awesome.

It's been so long since I've been here. So long. I don't know if you guys remember me (Katie, Nick, Val et al) but I started her in 2006 when my mom was sick with SCLC, and ended up in the grieving section with all of you. Nick came on not long after. I'm in awe that so many of the same people are still here, giving sympathy and support every day to those seeking it. You guys are really something special. I ended up here again because I saw a report on lung cancer while I was online - when I clicked on it there you were, Nick! I recognized you right away, it's was so strange to see you "live". Then they flashed that picture of you and your beautiful mom and it was like going back in time. I was also amazed at how big Lungevity has gotten since I started posting here. Amazing. I hope this post finds everyone healthy and living their "new normal" with some happiness and joy. You guys always understood more than anyone what it means to lose someone you love to this disease. The process you go through, the ups and downs. And it IS a process. I think I read on here at some point "You can't go around grief, you have to go through it." As badly as I wanted to go around it...but truer words were never spoken. I just wanted to jump in and say hello to all of you, so dear to me and who helped me through the worst time in my life. And five years later, I still cry. I cried listening to "Rudolph" on the radio the other day - my mom loved Christmas and that album by Gene Autry. She played it for us from Thanksgiving on... My baby that was born right after she passed away (in my Avatar) just turned five years old. He's the same age my oldest one was when we lost their beloved Nana. I don't know where the time has gone. I was so sad to read about ConnieB - I couldn't believe it. What a special lady she was. I have some catching up to do... Again, just wanted to say hello and thank all of you for being there when I needed you. (Uh-oh, I'm crying just writing this!) This is an amazing little community.... PS - My posts were under MomsGirl or Mom's Girl - posted under both.

I cried reading your post. As a mom and a wife I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. I pray that you find some peace in the days ahead, and some release - you will let it go when the time comes, and you will not be able to predict when... Put your arms around your precious son and love him as hard as you can...I know at 15 that may be easier said than done, but don't give him a choice! (((LYNN))))

I'm so sorry your dad had to go into hospice - there is nothing more difficult. You are in my prayers... Regarding him seeing things - my mom had the same issue the last few days. I don't know if it was the tiny brain mets, the morphine, side effects from radiation - but I know how disturbing it can be. She became delusional at times (she was semi-conscious)...one of the good things was her making references (I think) to my unborn son. I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl (I was 6 1/2 months pregnant), and Mom would lay their with her eyes closed and say things like, "Look, he's walking!" and "Oh, there he is, he is such a cute little guy..." I try to keep those memories close in my heart, the bittersweet but priceless ones... Hang in there, and may you find strength and love in the days to come...

Connie, I don't get on here often but I just read your update and I wanted to say how thrilled I am for your mom! Way to go...and Katie's right, we need these inspirational stories. I love to hear about people kicking SCLC's butt! Yahoo!

Teri, I totally get the one year mark reality thing. It's so true... I loved hearing about your dinner turning into a celebration, and the videotaping is brilliant. How wonderful it must have been to hear the shared stories and to laugh and cry over Bill's wonderful-ness...

I so completely understand how you feel - and we just left a seashell at the cemetery today for Nana. Like you, we had a family vacation at the beach (my parents' 50th anniversary) exactly one year before we lost Mom...we had no idea what the upcoming year would bring...it all happened so fast, too fast... Keep those memories alive for your little ones, I know how painful this is, all of it. We are here...

Linda, I'm so very sorry for your family's loss. Nick is right, time will soften those pictures in your mind, though I know it seems like that will never happen...thinking of you and yours tonight...

Lynn, I'm so very sorry...

( ( ( RANDY ) ) )

Dear Mom, I can't believe it's been two years since I last saw you, held you, told you I loved you and told you goodbye. Since I walked out of that hospice center room and left part of my heart and my soul behind. Sometimes it seems like 100 years ago. As I entered year two of this sad journey, I stopped expecting you to walk through the door...stopped picking up the phone to call you...stopped looking for birthday cards in the mailbox...stopped expecting to see your smiling face and to hear you cheering at preschool graduations, soccer and baseball games...I faced the reality that I would never see you again in this lifetime. It was and is a cold reality, and sometimes I wonder if I will be able to think of it without the great stab of pain and regret that hits me every time... I've floated along, trying to find my bearings in a world without my anchor, without the person who knew me best, loved me unconditionally, always lent an ear and a shoulder when I was in the depths of despair or just needed some reassurance and loving advice. I'm redefining who I am, struggling to get through trying times without you in my world. Eternally wondering why your life was taken when you long ago had secured your place in Heaven, and had earned a long, long life. And...I try to experience the same joy I felt with my children when you were in this world...when I was able to share these amazing little creatures with you, knowing the fierce love you felt for them from the minute you saw them enter this world (with tears of happiness rolling down your face). I miss the constant sharing of every little thing they said or did...you knew all of their stories, their little quirks, their fears, their joys. They are so grown now, Mom, such a big difference from being 5 and 3 to now 7 and 5. And though I keep you alive in their minds by talking about you every day, deep down I know they have forgotten. That their memories of you are the stories that Mommy has put in their heads...because they were too young when they lost you, just too young. I compare it to the tragedy of Alzheimer's...because when they DID know you, you were their world, their true love...but now that memory is gone. And little Conor, now almost 21 months old...well, I have to believe he knew you when he was inside me, that between the time you went to Heaven and he was born, in those three months you two were soulmates, right? You took care of him until he was delivered safely to me. How he has missed out, though...not having your love. They all have. I hold them all close and thank God for them every day, you taught me what being a Mom is all about. I went to the cemetery today with my older sister - and my younger sister called me from the lake house. Dad had left for the week to go home, so she walked down the road from her house with your new granddaughter, and together they stood on your dock and threw rose petals into the water. She said the waves washed them up onto the rocks, and that the shore in front of your house was lined with brightly colored petals. She said it was a beautiful. I got tearful imagining it. Even my "crying" songs have changed...it used to be "In the Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McClachlan (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c) and now it's "I Will Remember You" ("http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=dHm1el3Sze8&feature=related) These beautiful songs are like markers on the road of this journey - and they reflect my evolving grief...though no less potent, it's just different as time passes. Even today I have withheld my tears until now, until I started writing all this, and now I can barely see though them to finish. So, Mom, I can only pray that you are happy, at peace and with those you love that have passed on before you. And that you are watching over us, sharing our joys and sorrows. As always, I will eternally keep your memory and your love of us alive, and I will strive to be as wonderful of a mother, sister and friend as you were to all who loved you so dearly. I love you, my beautiful Mommy.

Oh, Nick, she is a Gerber baby through and through, what a beauty...

( ( ( TERI ) ) )

I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's input, and everyone's varying viewpoints. That's what I really needed to hear. Sherri, I totally get where you are coming from, and that is what makes this all so painful. Fear that I am going to regret this lost time when he is gone, etc. But I guess this goes so far beyond material things - my dad was a wonderful dad, always...but my parents' marriage was less than great. I don't think he ever saw it that way, and if he did it may have been because my mom wouldn't let him completely control her. He finally got control when my mom begged for a porch on the lake house in her final months, and absolutely refused to discuss it. I.E., she was going to die anyway in his mind, and he couldn't think beyond that one track...also, he finally was able to completely prevent her from doing something she wanted to do. My dad appears to be this mild-mannered, mellow guy - but in reality he was brought up in a household where his mother worshipped the ground his father walked on, very traditional - and although my mother was a complete domestic goddess, she wasn't going to bend completely to the will of a man. She confided in me a few years ago that when she married him she was a bubbly, innocent girl. He was in the military and she moved far from home...and she said he would come home in a foul mood sometimes and not speak to her for days, she was so lonely. It explains so much why my oldest brother was almost an obsession of hers for many years - he was her savior when he came along into her lonely life. It also explains the level of bitterness that was there by the time I came along. My dad also drank a lot (until his later years), and that made her life hard with five kids. So far I've been able to keep the crappy husband thing separate from the wonderful dad thing, and continue to have a relationship with him. But NOW he is trying to do the same thing to us girls he did to my mom, and you know what, it ain't gonna fly. I have too much sadness over the way my mom spent the seven months she was sick (she called their house "The Morgue" because of the way my dad sat there and stared at her like a deer in the headlights - she imagined he had the funeral home on speed dial.) And the porch thing - he was a total jerk about that. So you see, there's so much more water under the bridge and this is about so much more than material things... He is desecrating my mom's memories, which the lake house is a huge part of. If I want a relationship with him it has to be 100% on his terms, and I'm in the process now of deciding if I can live with those terms. Right now I can't... Janet and Shelli, I've heard so many stories like yours. It absolutely gives me chills. Reading your posts broke my heart. I don't know what gets into people's minds, I really don't. We barely saved the family photos from my father-in-law when he remarried - I can't express to you the precious mementos that were thrown the trash, historic pieces of family memorobilia - WWII letters, etc. It hurts to think about it. Again, you guys are the best - I really appreciate getting everyone's take on this, and I hope that I have good news for you someday....