justme2007

((((( Kim ))))) The tremendous pain will not last forever. Grieve as long as you need to - - you will make it through this! YOu are in the thoughts and prayers of many people here. Beth

Last night was very scary. My aunt and dad told me that my mom refused to eat, and then she became unresponsive for several hours. Then she just got out of bed and hobbled to the bathroom on her own (which she knows the doc said she is not to do)! Today she's a little more "alive," is talking and eating a little, etc, and of course has no memory of last night. I just talked to her on the phone. It was really good to hear her voice! We were all so afraid she was near the end, but the hospice nurse said this is all typical of the "rollercoaster" during the end stage, and to expect rapid changes like that. Did others' have this experience with their loved ones? Beth P.S. Sorry to be posting so much about myself now and not supporting other posters. I just feel like I don't have the capacity for very much more now.

thank you.

thank you.

Does anyone know, approximately? My mom finished her last chemo 12/7 and am just wondering how long it will be "working." Thx Beth

Thank you all for your kind words/prayers.

My mom gave the onc her final decision today that she will d/c treatment effective immediately. I have always said I would support her decisions, and I do, but part of me wishes she would just keep fighting!! It's her life though, and, ultimately, her death, so I just need to practice acceptance! "Hospice" just seems like such an ugly word now though. Their home just feels like a Death House. Not trying to sound overly dramatic, but that's pretty much what it feels like. A copy of her DNR Order is in an envelope taped to the refrigerator with the word "ambulance" written on the envelope, so every time you go to get something from the fridge, there it is literally in your face. Anyway, I just need to focus on the positive, enjoy the time left with her as best I can instead of feeling like we're in a countdown. I broke down and cried in front of her on Xmas day, told her I love her and said I was afraid she was going to die soon. I also told her she was a good mother to me. She's never been very outwardly emotional, and she just said, "I tried" in a soft voice. That's the first time I cried in front of her since this all began. I am doing my best to be strong. I hope my brother can bring his new baby girl to mom's this weekend . . . It really perks her up.

Thank you all for your thoughts. My brother and I are going to their home on Saturday to get the ball rolling for a full-time caregiver (not just "companion"), at least during the week. I will worry SOOO much about her otherwise. The hospice people will come more often than the palliative care people too (same organization). She does have a Do Not Recusitate (sp?) directive in place too. We need to make sure the liquid morphine is going if/when her breathing starts getting really bad. She told me she is afraid of a painful death. Oh man, this is really stressful. I had no idea . . . And about the anger - - after some thought yesterday, I realize it is my job to make sure I am doing the best I can do and to worry about MY actions and responsibilities only. I cannot worry about/control my brother and Dad, and, yes, anger is quite self-defeating. They will do what they will do (or not do), and so be it. Thanks again everybody. This site really helps a lot. Beth

Mom was supposed to start round 3 yesterday, but they said she is too weak.The chemo has only slightly reduced the cancer.She has another appt next week, but she told us she is pretty sure she will discontinue treatment. Doc said 2 weeks to 2 months w/o treatment. My Dad said he can't take care of her now and we need help from 8-5 p.m. We don't want her to go to a nursing home, and we're trying to figure out how to get someone in there to care for her M-F. I suggested that my brother and I could alternate giving weekend care, but now my brother said he does not "have the ambition" to do that!! Their baby is a few weeks old now, and his wife is not working so I don't really understand that. I am kinda p'od!!! Am I supposed to take charge of this whole thing myself!?!? I feel like we have three adults here and two are washing their hands of the matter. Anyway, I'm exhausted. I took care of her all weekend (wash face, brush teeth, walk to bathroom, change clothes, bring her food). Somehow I dragged myself to the office today, but I could so easily take a nap right now. I'm angry at my dad and brother . . . The hospice social worker said maybe it's more a matter of them feeling emotionally unable to care for my mom, as opposed to not caring, and that everyone copes differently. But then I am left holding the bag -- how is that fair? One foot in front of the other (big sigh). . . Sorry so long, Beth

Oh Rochelle, I'm so sorry. I know it's tough - - you will make it through! (((( )))

Jen, was your dad anemic too? Based on general internet info I read last night, it looks like the chemo can cause low RBC count, which can cause rapid heart rate and palpitations. So we're hoping it's more of a chemo problem than a cancer problem per se. When I was watching my mom's monitor yesterday, the readings were so erratic - - it was bizarre to see the drastic fluctuation! I don't remember the names, but they gave her two different medications to try to control the heart problems. Beth

Mom had to go by ambulance to the ER yesterday. She's now in the ICU until at least Thursday a.m. Things seemed really, really bad. Turns out she was very anemic. She had very low blood pressure and her heart rate was all over the place - - at one point it got up to 170 bpm! That must have happened pretty fast because her vitals were normal as of Friday, 12/15! She had a transfusion last night and she seems SOOOOO much better. Her face is pink again and she seems a bit more lively. We were all so relieved. My Dad cried, he was so happy! She still is quite weak, has a touch of pneumonia and can't walk too well, but whereas yesterday she said she wished God would just take her, today she was talking about Christmas and spending more time with her granddaughter. What a scare - - things can change really fast! Thank God for modern medicine. A nice early Xmas present for us all to see such a quick turn-around! Beth

Yesterday, mom said she had pain in head, arm, back and chest and said it was at a 7 on 1-10 scale. I went to see her and begged her to go to the doc. She refused and said she just wants to die. That was hard, and I cried, asked a nurse to come over. Then I found out she was only taking tramadol! I told her that stuff is useless (I've taken it before) and urged her to take her vicodin. She did and felt so much better. Such a simple remedy - - not sure why that didn't occur to her. Anyway, I'm with her now this morning and her breathing is pretty bad. She just sleeps and sleeps. The nurse who came yesterday told her she needs to be taking vicodin on a regular schedule. The nurse asked me if I had talked to my mom about her death, if she is "ready." I then asked her, and she said she is ready, with the exception of wanting to explain her obituary wishes and to make sure everyone's "on the same page" about money (she has worn the pants in the family!). She said very calmly she is not afraid of dying, but she is afraid she will have a painful death. I told her that's not necessary with medication. So, she is set to have scans next Monday. I hope she will go. I'm going to see if she will go out on the deck today to get some fresh air, even if just for a minute. I'm all about respecting her wishes now. Even without the cancer, she has suffered so long from emphysema. Her granddaughter is coming today - - that should perk her up. Peace, Beth

What prompted my mom to go the doc, besides sleeping for 3 weeks, was back pain. Now there's no back pain apparently, but she says she has chest pain that comes and goes. Sometimes it's slight, and other times it's worse. Maybe I'm just being naive, but why would the chest pain be intermittent, and of varying degrees as treatment progresses? Why is it not constant? (My trial settled, so I have extra time to concern myself with small details!)

Larry, thanks for the inspiring story. I will try to find it and show it to my mom. Beth

Oh Rochelle, I'm so sorry. ((((( ))))) Please buckle down as best you can, and just try to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, ONE DAY AT A TIME. That strategy has been working for me. Prayers for your mom/your family, Beth

Oh, ok. Now I feel kind of silly! I didn't realize the side effects could be so severe. I feel so much better. Thx. Beth

Saw my mom this weekend, after round 2 of chemo. Hadn't seen her since Thanksgiving. Oh gosh, she seems to be getting worse. I know the chemo makes you tired, but she is just so weak that she can hardly walk. She can't dress or bath herself. We shaved her head, and she looks beautiful! She is/used to be a very sharp, intelligent woman and an avid reader - - now she says she can only do "light" reading because she can't process more complicated reading. You can tell in talking to her that it is taking her longer to process what you're saying. Sometimes she seems confused. At least she is forcing herself to eat a little. My poor frail mom. Next week they're doing scans I guess. My gut tells me the doc will recommend stopping treatment, but who knows. Maybe my fear is just getting the best of me? But her quality of life is so poor. She's been "watching" church on t.v. everyday now. My Dad is really starting to be in an angry mood. Now I'm just rambling. I just posted this because I know it's not good to stuff my feelings. I hope she will just fight hard and hang on to see her grandchild in a cute little Xmas eve get-up . . . ! When I pray, I try to remember to ask that his His will, not mine, be done. I just had a good cry, so now I can get some work done hopefully. Peace, Beth

rmm, I pray for your mom and family that all will be well. My mother has similar symptoms to your's. I have a big trial this week, and just want to be with my mom. It is hard to concentrate but I'm doing my best and talking to my mom on the phone daily. Life does need to go on, plus work/school helps to keep your mind occupied. I would say try hard to focus on finals. If it's just too hard, I have no doubt your profs will understand and will allow you to take your finals when you are ready. God bless, Beth

Thank you all for your responses.

I really believe my mom will refuse treatment after this round of chemo. I would like to write some sort of poem/tribute, etc. for her for Xmas, just to convey my feelings. I'm just not sure what she DOESN'T want to hear. For example, should I not say how very sad I am and that my life will seem so empty without her? Obviously I don't want her to worry about me (which she always does anyway, like moms do), but at the same time I want to be honest and let her know how very grateful I am that she is my mother and how blessed I feel. Any thoughts? Thanks! Beth

Jen, maybe that is typical because I just talked to my Dad and he said the doc told her today that they're not doing more scans until 12/27. That is when she starts round 3 (if she decides to have round 3). I just wish I knew now how much shrinkage there was with round 1, or where's she's "at" now . . .

How often do the docs usually do new scans? My mom is starting round 2 of chemo today. Her breathing sounded very labored yesterday, and she said her chest hurt. Those are "new" symptoms, and it's scaring me since she already went through one round. Her memory is really getting bad too. Wondering if it's typical to do new scans at the beginning of each cycle? Probably . . . Oh, well. The cancer will do what it's going to do. It's just hard to watch/hear her declining. At least she got to see her first grandchild for the first time yesterday (one week old)!! It made me happy to know she was so happy.

That is awesome!! I'm happy for you and your family.

Dar, fantastic news!! It gives me hope for my mom!!