teriw
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Posts posted by teriw
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Hi everyone,
Today is happy day -- my step-daughter Gemma gave birth to a new baby boy! I KNOW that Bill sees it, but how I wish he were here to be part of it all. He'd be so proud! She's had the worst pregnancy -- ill the entire time. She's such a trooper, just like her dad.
It's so strange how life moves on. Gemma with her new baby boy. Annabelle, our granddaughter, going to school. And Michael, my step-son, has had a year of excitement embarking on a new career as an air traffic controller. He's got the inside scoop at everything going on behind the scenes at Heathrow Airport and is doing all these exciting things, and Bill would have just loved to hear about it all! The older Michael gets, the more I see his dad in him. They're like twins in so many ways! And above all that, he's dating a girl from Manchester (Bill's home town). Bill would have loved that!
And now a new baby grandson. Wow.
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Jill,
I'm so glad that the dinner went well and that she is a good person. I can only imagine she and your dad were probably quite nervous about the meeting also!
Try to remember -- just as no one will ever replace your mom in your life; no one will ever replace her in your dad's life either. I think if we let them, our hearts are capable of unlimited love -- in our own time.
Hugs,
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The spirit in which you wrote your post shows just how much you love your dad. Be easy on yourself. Don't be afraid to admit that it's difficult. You're giving your dad a gift, and I hope that you receive one in return.
Hugs,
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((((Kaytie))))
I'm glad you felt safe here to let that out -- it's important. I think what you said about your mom just failing 2nd line treatment may be hitting you even more than you realize.
I don't know your mom's story, but I can tell you that I remember distinctly how panicked I was when I knew Bill's 1st line didn't work. We went immediatly to 2nd line, but had to stop that after one round. It's a time when your hope is 100 times harder to find. You've had a set back and a blow and you're trying to get your sails up again. It's a giant punch in the gut.
Keep expressing yourself in safe places, and give your parents the greatest give you can -- yourself. I think you will find that there are a lot of people in the Family section that relate.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and for your mom and dad too.
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I'm so sorry for the loss of you Dad. Blessings to your family during this sad time.
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(((Cyndy)))
I'm sorry that you had to spend that day alone, but it sounds like you honored your Tim and your place in each other's lives in a way that was special to you.
I do those things (like eating "his" candy) too.
Happy Birthday to Tim...
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((((Tina))))
Birthdays are tough -- I wish you peace in the beautiful memories and strength in the parts of Charlie that live on through you today.
Happy Birthday, Charlie...
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(((Leslie)))
I can imagine your parent's anniversary will always be a day that causes you to reflect on your past with them, think about their own past as newlyweds, parents, and an enduring couple, and of course, wonder what "today" might have been. I know the day itself has passed already, but I wish you memories that make you smile along the inevitable ones that bring tears.
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(((Jill)))
Those annivesaries and memories flooding back are so difficult. I hope some of the beautiful memories of your beautiful mom worked their way in yesterday.
Thinking of you...
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I'm so pleased that your wedding went well. That was so thoughtful of you to hand out the Lungevity things too. Your mom must be SO proud of you.
I wish you many, many years of happiness with your new hubby.
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((((MaryAnne))))
I'm so very sorry about your huge loss. Please know that there are people here who understand and want to help. Try to surround yourself with those who love you during this time. Accept help. Be easy on yourself.
I'm so, so sorry.
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(((Shelli)))
I hope you were able to spend the day how you wanted to. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Happy Birthday to your dad.
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(((Sheri)))
I'm so sorry for how you were feeling. I think it was my post that you were referring to, because you wrote very supportive words to me, and it was a very "widow" related post.
So much wisdom has already been shared. I notice a real ebb and flow on the board too, as I think Nick mentioned. Sometimes it's mostly parent-related, and other times it's mostly spouse-related. I noticed that when I was in the other forums during Bill's fight. I too tend to offer something to say when it's spouse-related, simply because I can relate and feel like I have something to offer.
Like yourself, my wonderful step-kids (25 and 22) lost their dad way too early. They absolutely adored him -- he was their hero. I struggle with how to support them, because I still have my parents and haven't known that loss. I think we do a good job at supporting each other, because we do understand that our losses are different, but equally deep and earth-shattering.
No one is replaceable -- not your wonderful dad, not my wonderful husband, or anyone else who is being missed so. It's not just about the relationship -- although that's important in the grief, it's the person, it's the bond you shared.
I'm so sorry that you didn't feel support when you needed it. Earlier today I was talking with my step-kid's mum, Linda. She lost her mum the very week I arrived in England. She had lived a good, long life. But Linda was devastated. She was extremely close to her mum. I spoke with her today and I asked how she was doing with it all. She said it's awful, and no one seems to notice. That no one asks her about it. So in the that sense, I think you're right that society doesn't view losses the same, and people tend to forget that you're grieving sooner when you've lost a parent or a sibling than they do if you've lost a spouse or a child. They talked about that in one of my grief classes. I think it partly has to do with how visable the losses are to others. If someone is actually missing from your home, the loss is more obvious.
I've always felt this board does a very good job in support -- if you put it out there, there will almost always be someone who gets it. Some topics touch many people; other topics might hit one or two.
Hugs, Sheri -- I care how you feel, and I'm sorry.
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For me this week, it was as simple as deciding to stop "being in my sorrow," and to instead put my energy into helping my niece, who was moving with her family to their first home. It's not as if I hadn't been helping before, but it was the conscious decision to take my focus off Bill for that time, and put all my energy and focus on someone else I love. As soon as I did that, other things suddenly popped up.An unexpected invitation to lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. A good job interview. Another phone call from a different friend. A desire to read the Bible again. I had energy to tackle some things at home I'd been putting off. I felt "up" for the first time in a while, and had the sense that I can do this. It's no magic answer, I guess I just "got" something important in a deeper way and wanted to share it. Because I was in a serious funk for some time now, and whenever you can get out of a funk, it's a good thing.
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I want to share something I read recently that had a profound effect on me. Let me make something really clear -- I had to be ready to accept this and very slowly begin to really do it. You may not be, and that's ok. I think it's a long process, like grief itself. It really makes sense to me now. It helps me understand just why the loneliness that comes with loss is so much greater than general loneliness. Putting this into action in a small way this week, actually made a big difference to me. This is not the same as distraction, which I'm very good at, this is actual investment. It's different. I'm sure many of you are already doing it.
The quote is from the book, "How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies" by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D. I highly recommend the book. It's taken me practically a year to get through it, because it's not easy reading. She's blunt and to the point and has definitely done her homework on grief. If you're trying to understand grief, I think she has some valuable insights.
Reinvesting Your Emotional Energy (page 240)
The emotional energy that you withdraw from your former relationship with your loved one must be reinvested elsewhere so that it once again can return you satisfaction and gratify your needs. Your relationship with your loved one can no longer do this. It is unhealthy for you to have no appropriate investment in anything or anyone. Therefore, the emotional energy that had been used to keep your previous relationship alive must be redirected towards establishing and maintaining rewarding investments in other people, objects, and pursuits. This will not be a replacement for your lost loved one: No one can take his special place. However, your new attachments and investments of emotional energy once again will provide you with the emotional gratification you lost when your loved one died.
This emotional energy need not be reinvested exclusively in another person. It can be reinvested in objects, activities, roles, hopes, beliefs, causes and so forth - anything that you can care about or have an attachment to. It may be tangible (for example, another person, your house, a car) or psychosocial (for example, a relationship, your dream of being a doctor, being president of the Chamber of Commerce). It does not have to be reinvested in the same type of person or thing from which it was withdrawn. For instance, a widow does not have to remarry to reinvest her emotional energy. She can do this by undertaking volunteer work with handicapped children or by going back to school. The only requirement is than she has a place into which to put her emotional energy and involvement.
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((((Lynn))))
Lynn, I remember some months back -- approaching 6 months and my wedding anniversary, I was very upset that I couldn't cry. I felt like I needed to let things out -- it was an especially difficult time. About 2 days after I publicly complained, the floodgates unexpectedly opened and didn't close for some time. Tears are strange -- they come out when they need to -- a bit like rain I guess, and they are healing waters.
You will go through all sorts of emotional changes, most of which will probably be unexpected when they arrive. Go with them...
Numbness and denial are necessary sometimes too. There is a time for every emotion.
Hugs,
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Patti,
Prayers, positive thoughts, and cyber-hugs coming your way...
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"CaroleHammett"]Your are not "stuck in neutral." This is merely a pause for reflection and to gather strength before moving on to the next phase of your life.
All of us experience "pauses" before moving on. Your analogy is good though: Whether it's a vehicle or life, you can't shift gears without going through neutral--even if you have an automatic transmission!
)I like this -- it makes sense to me. Another wise woman wrote me privately to say that the thing about neutral, is that I'm not in reverse -- she was right, and I'm not in reverse. Guess what? I finished my first draft of the introduction to Bill's book -- no doubt the easiest task of the project, but an important task nonetheless.
Moments of joy -- keep seeking those moments of joy. It will get better, but I do believe a lot of that is in our control. We've all known people who stay stuck in sorrow or bitterness, and those who move through it and find joy, regardless of their particular loss. I'm determined to be one of the later.
I'm sorry for all of us going through this.
Many hugs and thanks to all,
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(((Ry and Nova)))
I hate that so many people can identify, because that means so many people are going through the same thing.
Sheri -- thank you for the encouraging note. I happen to agree with everything you said (about volunteering and giving), and congratulate you on your new career. It sounds perfect.
I think this has just been another step forward on the "acceptance" path for me -- a particularly hard one. Of course, it's still a path I'm resisting. I went out with my G-Girls last night and they helped me realize that coming home was a bit like losing Bill all over again. They were right.
I just read something that made me take a step back and see my blessings, and remind me that a lot of "joy" is up to me. It was on our site here:
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Having just passed the one-year mark and just returning from what was a milestone and really super trip overseas with Bill's family, I'm feeling so stuck. I know part of it is because I'm not working -- earnestly seeking work, but it's not the best of times, as we all know. This past week has been so difficult. I'm very low-key, low-energy, and sad, but not crazy emotional. In fact, I've hardly cried at all. I felt more at home in England than I do here -- way more. While I was away, I felt so strong. I was actually anxious to come back and get on with some things, including working on Bill's book. That all disappeared practically the moment I returned.
I have good friends, a wonderful church, etc. Yet, there is a loneliness that is indescribable. I miss Bill more than I can ever express, and still don't think I've quite accepted that he's gone. But I also am just feeling very solitary -- like that polar bear floating on the iceberg (not to be overly dramatic or anything). I guess with no major milestones ahead, I'm feeling it deeper than I had. There is a sense of not belonging anywhere anymore -- always feeling like an invited guest.
How do you find "home" again?
Not sure what the heck to do next...hoping for some pearls of wisdom...I hate being depressing...it's so...well, depressing.
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(((Janette)))
I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle on yourself during these initial days/weeks/months, and know that there are others here who have walked this new path you're on -- we all help each other through.
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I'm so sorry for the sadness you're feeling. The one year mark is tough. It's especially difficult when it happens to come alongside something so happy, like your daughter's birthday.
I too can imagine that it's difficult to see your dad dating. Everyone's time table is different. Not to generalize, but from all I've read and experienced, men do tend to date again more quickly. As others have said, it's not in any way an indication that your dad has forgotten your mom or has stopped grieving. He's just trying to find hope and joy and companionship again -- to live. I think your understanding is a blessing. I would encourage you to just be open and honest with him -- let him know that it's difficult for you, but that you love him and want his happiness.
No one will ever replace your mom.
Hugs,
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I remember hearing many of his essays on NPR. What an amazing man, and another sad loss.
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Rob
in GRIEF
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((((Jennifer))))
I'm so very sorry for your loss -- please know there are those here who understand and who want to help you through.