teriw
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Posts posted by teriw
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Lily,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience so beautifully with us. It's obvious you and Johnny had something very special that transcended time. Thank you also for sharing your growth and wisdom.
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((((Gail))))
Gail, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Please know that there are people here who are walking the path you're starting on, and we're here to help.
Hugs,
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He is gone
in GRIEF
Christine,
I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers for your family during this time.
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(((Deb)))
Deb, you know you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. You and Alan have been such an inspiration here. Alan for his amazing fight and determined spirit, and you for your unfailing love and constant strength.
There are no words to make this time easier. I'm so pleased that Alan was able to pass peacefully, in the way he wished, and surrounded by those he loved.
Much love,
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(((Dar)))
You're so right -- there is no such thing as being prepared. And it won't be the same without your amazing mom. But you will find joy in those everyday moments of beauty. It's such early days for you. Just allow yourself to feel those feelings, and any others that come along. I'm so sorry.
Hugs,
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Earlier today I was talking to my friend about the giant hole left behind when someone we love is gone. She shared that when she comes to my home, she feels Bill's absence as much as she ever felt his presence. It's so true. It's as if their big, beautiful spirit leaves an immortal footprint that isn't visible, but is always felt. I am nearing the one year mark for losing my Bill, which is simply unbelievable to me. I am only now starting to understand the wisdom some of you imparted when you shared with me that you don't get over grief, you learn to live with it. It becomes part of who you are, and who you will become. And likewise, the hole left behind is never filled in or reduced -- it's just that you learn to live with its presence. You eventually build new elements of your life around it and I imagine it becomes less prominent over time, yet it's always there. Oh, what an immense hole it is!
p.s. One of Bill's favorite writers was Charles Dickens (in fact, it is how our Great Dane, Mrs. Dickens got her name!). One of his quotes expresses this so eloquently: "Life is made of ever so many partings welded together."
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Don,
I'm so sorry for what you went through. Welcome home. Wishing you a very quick recovery, and continued strength.
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((((Deb & Alan))))
Just saw this latest update -- prayers for you both that hospice is set up quickly and that family can arrive to be with you both. Lean on that support system - they want you to. I'm so sorry.
Much love,
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Deb,
Many prayers for you and Alan, a most special couple. I'm so sorry for what you're both going through. Take each moment as it comes, and just be there with him. Your love will do the rest.
Hugs & love,
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Dar,
I'm so very sorry. Your mom was such a fighter, and I know she was an awesome lady and she must be so proud of you and grateful for how you were there for her.
So, so sorry.
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Dear Karla,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Please be gentle on yourself during these first days and weeks.
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((((Maryanne & Joel)))))
I'm so sorry for your loss. My "kitty" Delilah died a few years ago. She was also 19 and had been with me since she was 8 weeks old. It was extremely difficult. She literally waited for Bill and I to return from a trip, and she died in my arms as we were all driving home. I was heartbroken. She was a huge part of our family. For weeks thereafter, I kept thinking I felt her walking around the bed. I still miss her.
Hugs,
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I had reason to be struck by something yesterday. I realized that I am a survivor. I know it is in large part due to Bill's place in my life, and the things he taught me -- by example, by his past, by his fight with cancer, and by his unbelievable faith and grace and strength in his last days.
He taught me many things I will carry on forever, but today I'm thankful that he not only taught me how to survive, but I know now that he always knew I would -- and in that he is still teaching me to believe in myself. Bless him.
I was wondering if you all might like to share one big thing you're realizing that your loved ones who are gone taught you. Maybe something you've known all along, maybe something that only just occurred to you.
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Sheri,
I'm so sorry for your loss and for what you're feeling. I can very much relate to losing the one person on earth who really "gets" you.
This isn't easy advice, but for myself I'm realizing that I need to learn to stand on my own. I also need to embrace other people in my life, seek new people out, and allow others to give me some of those elements I'm missing so much. It takes time, effort, discomfort, and openness. It comes in unfamiliar forms that I don't always recognize. Sometimes I'm stubborn and have the, "but I don't WANT to have to rebuild my life" attitude (understandable). But when I realize that's not helping me, I try to feel the feelings, acknowledge the lonliness, and take a little step. And each time I take a little step, I feel stronger and can sometimes even see a new life taking shape -- ever so slowly (and quite often painfully).
Perhaps seeing a counselor with your daughter might help tht relationship?
Hugs,
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I'm late on this one, but just in case you have any doubt...
YES, YES, YES, YES -- card, call, invite -- whatever feels natural to you. I can almost guarantee he will be so touched and grateful.
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I loved that -- thank you Connie.
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Nova,
I am so, so sorry to read this sad news. Harry was an amazing man, and I know he fought so hard through this entire time. Please know we are here to help and support you any way we can.
These first days are like a fog with so much happening. Allow people to help you. Allow yourself to do whatever it is you need to do to get through. Be gentle on yourself.
Much love,
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Nick,
Thank you for sharing those beautiful thoughts and vivid images. I think your mom is smiling watching you take something she instilled in you and making it your own.
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I'm so sorry about the loss of your wife. We all understand that sadness here. Hope you have some peaceful days ahead. I haven't even hit the 1 year mark yet, but I do understand the part about it seeming like yesterday.
(I hope you don't mind me saying that seeing your username startled me a bit -- my Bill's username was bware21 -- it took me aback.)
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I thought it might be posting when I'm feeling good for a change, instead of when I'm not. If for no other reason than to say, there will be joyful moments. They don't last forever, but when they happen, I cherish them and am thankful for them.
This weekend was the best weekend I've had in a very long time. My good friends invited me to join their family at a family camp over on Catalina Island, which is a small island off the coast of So Cal. They had other friends there that I didn't know (yet). I had the best time. They were so great, making me feel completely part of their group. The weather was awful, but we went hiking and horseback riding and just enjoyed each other's company and the beautiful location. The camp was awesome. We sang silly campfire songs and ate bad camp food and slept in sleeping bags. I loved it! I'm going back with them over Labor Day!
These friends have been wonderful to me -- it's probably the one friendship that hasn't changed a bit, except we've become much closer. I told their 13 year old daughter that I felt like they had adopted me for the weekend. She laughed and started calling me by their last name!
I expected to come home and feel very "down" afterwards. This time I didn't. I was just happy to come back to my dog, who I missed so! I thought about Bill the entire time I was there. I felt sad sometimes. But it felt so "alive" and I loved that part of it. Of course I wished he was there to share it. But it was one of those things he wasn't really keen on doing. I suppose that's part of why I could enjoy it so much. I know Bill would have been so pleased too.
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I think men in general move into new relationships much more quickly than women. In most of the things I've read, they really caution not to do that. It's a way to escape the lonliness, but I think it probably hinders the grief process for most people. A woman in my widows group is in another grief group, and she had the same experience -- listening to a couple men in the group talking about their new girlfriends just months after losing their wives, and it really upset her. People are just different.
About the decisions. I've come to the conclusion for myself that if I keep changing my mind about a decision, I just don't make it yet. I've come up with all sorts of things I think I should do -- from work on the house, to going back to school, to changing my car, to booking a big vacation -- on and on and on. They're all distractions at this point, and I realize that what I really need is to just focus on today. If I need to do something to my house or really know that I want to do something, then I move on it. Otherwise, I set it aside for another day.
Enjoy your new dogs! I live alone too, and wouldn't know what to do without my giant puppy beside me! They're a great source of company and comfort.
Hugs,
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Randy,
You're definitely an honorary "sister" here (don't take that the wrong way
)Seriously though, I think it's probably very difficult for men to find other men to talk to the way we women do. There are two spouse loss groups going on the night I have mine -- between the two groups, there is only one man.
I went to a good friend's birthday dinner last night. I had met one of the women recently and just assumed my friend had told her about Bill. So when I was asked if I was married...well, that was the first time that has happened. I think I handled it well. I think she handled it well. I'm not looking forward to the next time though...
Hugs to all my sisters (that means you too, Randy)...
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Thank you all for your insight and "I can relate" responses. It really does help, although I wish none of us were going through this.
Did I mention that it took me nearly 30 minutes to choose a toothbrush holder, and even then I considered it "temporary?" Oy.
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End-of-Life Conversations: Patients & Caregivers
in CAREGIVER RESOURCE CENTER
Posted
Wow, what an important subject.
Bill shared quite freely about things (even on this board), but I didn't as much. I was taking cues from him, yet some time after he passed I wished I had been able to guide us into a more 2-way open dialog. At the time, hearing me express any "acceptance" of the situation or talk about it from my perspective was too much I think. But he needed me to listen to him, which of course I did. He understood much of what I was going through -- that I know. If I'm being completely honest, I wish I had had the chance to share some specific things with him too.
I later read the famous book, "On Death and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Although some of the book is opinion, I learned a lot that I wish I had known during Bill's illness. If you're not familiar with it, she and her students interview countless patients and caregivers, and help them into honest dialog. It's an old book, but the subject is timeless. She prints the actual transcripts. I shed quite a few tears reading that book, because it opened my eyes to things Bill might have been feeling that I hadn't a clue about.
We had amazingly close moments in those last days. At the very end, it was beautiful, even though he was in the hospital (which niether of us wanted). He expressed excitement -- said, "it's party time!" Told me and his sister how much he loved us, squeezed each of our hands, prayed with me, etc. That is a most precious memory to me that I wouldn't trade.