teriw
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(((Lynn)))
I'm so sorry for all you're going through. All of the ladies in my grief group have children at home, so although I don't have that experience, I've listened to what they're dealing with. It's so tough all around.
I'm so pleased for you that your employer loves you and will let you take things as you need to. That will make all the difference in the world, I can assure you. If you can work in such a way that you still have some time to yourself, that will help.
It's very early days still. The tears will come.
Hugs,
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Tomorrow I take my first solo flight to England and Spain to see Bill's family (who I now refer to as "my English family," because they are indeed my family still). Some of you know I went last September to spread Bill's ashes, but my parents came with me. I'm so behind in my packing. This is a critical "first." My canine angel, Mrs. Dickens, is down in San Diego with my parents. The house is VERY quiet.
I questioned my timing making the trip so close to the 1-year mark, but I now realize it was perfect timing. I have felt so anxious about it. Do they really want me to come? Am I intruding? Should I stay in an inn? What am I doing? Well, all of my fears have been firmly put to rest. They are as anxious to see me as I am them, and I'm so thankful. I know Bill is SO happy about it! I'm still worried about causing a major traffic collision.
I have more personal objects to bring over of Bill's. I take in everything you adult children talk about with losing your parents. Being so far away, I want to make sure they have the family pictures that there are and personal objects, which are very few. Of course I have personal things for myself too.
Guess this is as good of time as any to say thank you to everyone for the support Bill and I received here, and that I continue to receive.
Hugs & I'll be back mid-August...
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It all counts, Randy! I definitely think planning a cruise/vacation is big thing, and that Deb would be proud of you. So is moving, Tammy. I think you were smart to keep the old place, especially since you're wondering about it now. You'll know when you're ready. Shirley, have a great time in Hawaii. I understand about the steps forward and back -- I'm living that constantly. I think it's wonderful that you're going. I found nine months to be especially difficult. A major time of reality setting in.
We talked about something in my grief group one night recently. How we're all starting to take little steps (emphsis on "little") to live "as if our husband is not coming back." That's monumental to me, because half of the time I still believe Bill is coming back. But I know what Bill wanted -- he wanted me to "choose life," as they say. He fought so hard for his. And now I feel I'm fighting for mine, but the one I'm battling against is myself. Taking these steps -- whatever they are -- are each victories in that battle, I think.
I was reading the story of David's life in the Bible. I can't quote the exact verse, but there is a time when his infant son dies. He said something like, "I will go to him one day, but he will not come back to me." That has hit me since I read it weeks ago.
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Just passing over Bill's 1-year mark has been forcing me to really evaluate my own life. I have some vague ideas of changes I would like to make, and know some changes I absolutely must make. I feel like I'm living a couples life as a solo person at the moment, and I know that needs to change. Not sure how yet. And I'm not talking about romantic relationships -- just everyday life.
I was wondering if anyone had made a big change in their life after losing their loved one? Perhaps following a dream you had together. Or finally taking a risk to pursue a passion. Or moving somewhere you always wanted to live. Or adopting a child. I don't know -- the subject really has no limits.
Anyone care to share?
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Thanks for sharing that Randy. And you will see Deb again -- I believe too!
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Lynn,
I'm so sorry for your loss. As others have expressed, I'm glad to read that Larry's passing was a peaceful one. These first days and weeks are a whirlwind. Just allow them to come as they will, and be gentle on yourself.
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Kasey,
Great to see you back -- your picture always makes me smile. So much joy.
Hugs,
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Maryanne & Joel,
Wishing for the best results possible from the cyberknife and follow-up treatments. Thinking of you both.
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((((Deb))))
I'm so sorry for your hurt. There is just no way to make it better at the moment. That "limbo" phase lasts for a long time, I think. Just please understand that all of the feelings that overwhelm you are normal, as awful as they are. And at some point, you learn to find moments of joy even while the pain is still there. You really will. But for now, it's just raw. You may feel like you can't possibly make it through, but you will. I know it's hard, but try not to think too far ahead -- just deal with getting through today.
No one can be a replacement for Alan or make the hurt go away, but people can give comfort and love to you -- do reach out. The emptiness is a testament to the fullness that was there between you.
One moment at a time...
Hugs,
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Linda,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister in law. Prayers for you and your family during this most difficult time.
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((((Barb))))
I understand what you're saying. There is empowerment in doing these things. It's the "survival" aspect I think, and the knowledge that our husbands would be proud that we're "taking the bull by the horn," so to speak. There is a strength that comes when you do these things -- I find it so. Bless Rod for thinking of you and wanting that for you even before you needed it.
You are making it through and you will continue to get stronger. I'm so pleased for you and your daughter that you were able to share that special time together.
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The days I've been dreading have come and gone, and we are now two days into "Year 2" of losing Bill. His birthday dinner went very well. It turned into a semi-party atmosphere, which isn't really what I had planned, but I think Bill would have liked that. He always said, "I want people to have a party when I'm gone." I started a project that night of video taping people telling their "Bill stories," with the idea of editing them all together for a gift for my step-kids (and other family members -- and myself). There are so many stories! Everyone has a different perspective, which I love.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something does feel different -- there is something to this "1 year mark" thing. Maybe it's just that the most significant anniversary has passed. But I find myself sighing -- there's a quiet, heavy sadness -- the "it's real" sinking in that much deeper. Somehow there was this weird fantasy that if we just got through the first year, everything would come back to normal and we'd have our old life back. Of course, that's not true and it's time to stop looking for it. And for the first time when we say, "a year ago..." Bill won't have been here. That's hard. And although I have a lot of things I feel I need to do and even want to do, I have a strong "what now?" feeling. A pressure and a desire to get back into life again, etc., but no clue how that works!
I know so many understand. Wishing you all moments of peace.
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(((Deb)))
Everything is so fresh and new. Each day is different and brings a different memory, emotion, etc. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The first weeks and months can be quite a blur, as there is still shock. Be aware of that and take it easy on yourself. You'll have different needs at different times, and that's perfectly normal and ok. There are many people here who understand, so I encourage you to return.
Hugs,
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Carole,
I commented on this thread a few days ago. I've just read it through again fully. I just want to tell you that you are a truly amazing woman. Truly. Thank you for the frank and terribly important topic, and for sharing so much of yourself. Keep talking, keep being frank, and express everything and anything you want or need to express to all who need to hear it.
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Just wanted to add a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Bill.
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Susan & everyone,
Thank you so much for your thoughts and well wishes. It touches the heart.
(((((lcsc)))))
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Michele,
I'm so sorry you and your sisters are having to deal with this. I truly can't imagine. I have no good advice to offer, but I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry and I hope that your dad sees the light and gets a grip on himself sooner rather than later. You've all already lost too much, and he's giving up so much.
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((((Gail))))
I so understand what you're going through. The first weeks and months are a real whirlwind of emotions and plans and just trying to take it in.
The lonliness and the rebuilding of your life are very real things that we deal with. It is a slow process that we must take one step at a time. How that process unfolds is unique to each of us.
I am just coming up on my first year mark. I can honestly say that along with the sorrow, I have had moments of true joy during this year. I have learned how strong I am, what it means to have great friends and family, etc. You have a wonderful spirit, and I have no doubt at all that you will seek out and find the joy life has to offer.
Please be prepared for some "all over the place" emotions as you go forward. It's normal -- yes, the "new normal."
I think the news about your friend moving up is fantastic.
I have found my grief groups to be of a great support -- keep looking until you find one that suits you. They offer different things at different times. If you can find one exclusively for people who have lost spouses, I think you'll find a lot of people to relate to. My "g-girls" group has been together since November, and although we're all from different backgrounds and beliefs, we have become invaluable to each other -- but even that took time.
Know that we're here -- PM me anytime.
Hugs,
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Thanks everyone. We're all going through so much.
This is a very weird experience. Different than my other major grief episodes, in that I feel very much like I'm dreading something. I understand there are things that change at the one year, but the major thing doesn't change -- Bill is no more gone or here at the one year -- yet, I have such a sense of dread. Something is about to happen. I'm now just accepting it as "it is what it is," and allowing myself to be in it. It's so uncomfortable.
I had a really hard time one day last week. I realized it was the day that Bill was hospitalized. Yet when I looked at the calendar, I saw that I was wrong -- I was one day early. Then just today I remembered that it's a leap year -- so actually it was one year the day I felt such a heaviness. Isn't that weird?
My good friend who lost her husband over 20 years ago told me how their cat pulled all of its hair out when her husband died. Then for some amount of years, did it on the anniversary. That tells me that something is happening to us all surrounding these dates that we perhaps don't even understand ourselves. I've had other days where I was just hit with grief, then realized it was an annivesary of an important date in Bill's illness.
OK -- here I go again. This too shall pass...hugs to everyone.
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Terry Bones
in GRIEF
Flo,
I'm so, so sorry for your deep loss. I always waited to hear updates from Terry (and yourself). He had a wonderful spirit, and I know he fought as hard as he possible could. Please know we're hear when you need us. Be gentle on yourself during these first days and weeks ahead.
Much love,
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I'm not sure why I'm writing this -- just need to get it out, I guess.
Tomorrow marks the day that Bill went in the hospital last year, and the 16th will mark one year since he's been gone. The 17th would have been his 56th birthday.
This past week I either seem to be on Fast Forward or Stop -- nothing in between. I'm frantically cleaning things out and organizing -- as if I'm on some deadline, then I flop on the bed and sob or just shut down for a while. This is not like me. I'm exhausted when I go to bed, and exhausted when I wake up. I have that pit in the stomach once again. It's like the date itself is causing some anxiety. It's like if I don't reach the one year, then it won't be as true. I'm a firm believer in NOT wishing time away, but I'm wishing for the summer to be over this year.
I've been gathering some things to take to the kids and Bill's sister over in England (I leave on the 30th), and it's like seeing Bill's life gathered up in pictures, objects and documents. Report cards, baby pictures, passports, keys, clothes, etc. Everything but Bill. Bill could have a morbid sense of humor, and I remember him saying once, "oneday I'll be stuffed away in a chest somewhere." I hate that that seems partially true.
I am trying to detach from material objects, but that is hard. His once beautiful car is a money pit (older XJ6), and I know I need to sell it fast. Bill would be on my case about that, for sure. And I wonder what it will be like to drive home and not see it in my driveway. And that's just one change that really needs to be made.
Sorry for the downer -- feeling very sad today. Thankfully, I have my "G-Girls" tonight, which is what my widows group has called ourselves ("G" for "grief group"). And thankfully I have this board to "let it out" to. Thanks for listening.
Hugs to everyone hurting...
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(((Christine)))
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.
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(((Dar)))
I understand. Sometimes you have to get through a "busy" time before you even allow the feelings to come to the surface. Just try to let it out when it comes. That's a lot you're having to deal with so quickly (the house and all).
Hugs,
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((((Sharon))))
Sharon, I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss of your brother, Tommy. There are just no adequate words...
Thoughts and prayers with you and your family.
A message of hope - I hope?
in GRIEF
Posted
Shannon,
Thank you so much for your post. I just passed the one year mark of losing my Bill -- my best friend, love of my life. I miss him so much, there are no words to describe it. I just returned Monday evening from a trip staying over in England and Spain with his family -- my step kids, his sister, niece and nephew, etc. It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. But part of what made it wonderful is that I felt a bit like I had "our" life back for that short time -- being in those surroundings all together as we had done for so many years, we could all imagine he was there with us (and in some way, I know he was).
Yesterday the reality hit -- it hit hard. I felt the most hopeless and apathetic and alone as I have in months. I felt completely disconnected from my life here, including the wonderful people in it. But in my 4:00 am jet-lagged stupor, I did manage to sign up for a challenging photography course (my passion that I haven't been perusing in ages -- Bill was always my biggest cheerleader), and today things looked a little brighter as I purposefully re-engaged into this life I have started without him.
Your message this morning was a wonderful way to kick-start one more new day. Congratulations and thank you for thinking of us. I hope you'll visit again. I wish you and your hubby many, many years of health and happiness.