Lillee0708

Its been one week since my Dad has passed. I think the numbness and shock is over now. I finally REALLY cried for the first time since that night. I know there will be many more to come. Today I have to go to his job and discuss his 401K plan and how we are going to withdraw it. Some things I have been thinking about....and I would appriciate any feedback....are how his life insurance from work was cancelled when he went on disability. I thought it should have continued because he was still insured under the COBRA policy. I spoke to my Grandfather about it, who has been handling the social secrurity and custody papers with my sister, and he said no, there are right. So many people I spoke to disagree. It's hard to imagine a company who my father worked for 28 years would try to pull something over our heads. I go back to work tomorrow which I am dreading. The hardest time comes after dinner when I would usually go visit Dad in the hospice. I live by a routine that has been forever broken. I think I might start going to the gym with my husband....he boxes. That surely would get some frustrations out! LOL I hope no one look down on me when I say this, but I am still smoking. I figured that after sitting watching my Dad go through this I would have quit. But theres that stupid routine again. Howvever, I have set a quit date.....January 16, 2009. That is my Dad and I's Birthday.

Dad lost his battle with cancer Tuesday night. My sister and I were visiting him around 7:00. His breaths were so quick and shallow, we knew the inevitable was close. I decided to ask the nurse if she was able to give us any time frame as to how much longer it would be. She suggested calling any family members and making arrangments to be out of work......that it was going to be within 24 hours. She had told us with the passing of her mother that she held a constant bedside vigil and it wasn't until she left her that she let go. We told Dad we were leaving and that we would be back. I told him it was ok to go to sleep and he could let go if he needed to. I told him I loved him, I knew he loved me and how he was such a great father. He waited until we were gone. We were just about to walk out the door to go back because we were going to stay overnight. I guess he didn't want us to see him go. He is finally at peace. The chaplin from the hospice is going to do the service. Being that my dad wasn't a very religous person, he had confided in her during his stay there, so it just seems appropriate. He told her that he wanted to be remembered. She said that while he was there he wanted to help everyone else, thats just the way he was. The viewing is tomorrow and the funeral Saturday. The hardest part of all. I feel such a relief that he is no longer suffering, but I just feel as though a huge piece of me is missing. Who am I going to call when there's something wrong with my car, or I need a suggestion on how to cook something? These are the things that are eating me up. I could go into more detail but it would take forever. I think I may have to post here for many months to come. I can't explain enough how much everyones' replies mean to me. I miss you Dad

We were given 24 hours today, so my sister and I decided to leave the hospice to get some things from home. I told dad it was ok to go to sleep and let go. No more than 45 minutes later as we were heading out the door to go back, I got the phone call. Dad has passed. He waited until no one was there. I am so numb right now. Just glad he is no longer suffering. He didn't want us to see him go

I finally was able to speak to someone in the hospice today while I was there by myself. The one nurse said it will most likely be this week, she seems to think from experience within the next four days. She said he is declining very quickly which I can see for myself. The one thing she said is because my Dad is so young he has a strong heart and that will keep him hanging on......I just pray for it to be quick, I just want to be there.

I have been posting in the care givers forum but read a few post here and decided this is the place to ask the questions and get advice now. Dad's feet are very swollen and blue. He hasn't been eating, just drinking and not going to the bathroom much. His breathing is labored sometimes only like 5 breaths a minute while sleeping. He is saying things that don't make sense. He came home from the hospice for the weekend only to end up going back after 4 hours. He says he feels like he has frostbite. I need to know even just an estimate how much time does it sound like he has. What happens after the feet swell so bad? Does it spread. His motor skills are practically gone....have been for some time now. Can no longer walk or straighten his legs after he bends them, they get so stiff and feel as thought they are going to break if we move them. Please help.

As i posted yesterday, my dad's feet are swelling quite badly. Yesterday he said it felt like pins and needles, today like frostbite. His toes are now blue. He came home from the hospice for a few hours, but just can't walk anymore. He collasped twice before making it into his bedroom at home. He decided to go back to the hospice saying it would be better. Has anyone experienced the swelling of the feet or know anyone who has? If so is there anything we can do and what is most likely going to happen next if it contiues? I know they sometimes amputate extremidies if you lose circulation, but what do they do if your in hospice?

I couldn't visit dad the paast few days because I had a cold, fearing he would catch it. My Grandfather ahd said my dads' feet were swollen and that the hospice was calling to get him something for it. Today I went to see him and sure enough it looked as if he had 5 pairs of socks on. I sat and rubbed his feet asking if it hurt. He said no but it feels like pins and needles. He is very confused. He asked if I heard the buckshot and i said no. He said oh its quiet now. Today was my first day back to work and no more than an hour later I lost it just thinking of my dad sitting in his bed by himself. He is supposed to come home for the weekend which I really hope he does because it would dissappoint him sooo much. He can walk with help, just very slowly. I fed him some carrot cake tonite, and got him some coffee, which he spilled. Sorry just needed to vent....when I type, it keeps me from crying.

Last night my Dad's brother came to visit while my sister and i were there. He snapped out of it as soon as he seen him. He told him we were all "hanging out" and asked if he could get a ride . I think he wanted to show my uncle that he was doing ok when he said he wanted to go for a walk. He got to right outside his room and couldn't hold himself up any longer, even with my uncles help. The he lost it. It's so hard seeing my dad cry and realize that he can no longer hide the fact that he is dying. I think he's trying to protect us, saying he is doing good, and also trying to convince himself that he is ok. But yesterday it hit him. I told him I was taking my sister home and asked if he wanted me to come back. He said I don't care. I told him i would be back in the morning, and he said he won't be there........he's going home.

I just got back from the hospice. dad was at the dining room table having breakfast when i got there. I think his motor skills are going. His hands just kept falling onto his plate. I wish I knew how soon it was going to be. He is very confused too, saying things that don't make sense.

I just got back from the hospice. Dad was in the dining room having breakfast. It seems that he is losing his motor skills. His hands kept dropping onto his plate. Is this a sign that he's close to dying. I just want to know when. The one assistant there said she was so suprised to see how much he declined since his last stay there. She said she thought that maybe there was a mistake last time he was there as if it wasn't necessary. Please give me some signs to look for so i know when it's time to say good-bye

Hello everyone, hope you remember me. My dad left the hospice to come home. He was home for about a month. However over the weekend everything took a downward spiral. We took him back to the hospice yesterday. It doesn't seem like there's much time left. Although he was home I feel like we should have done more together. I think the hardest thing yesterday was knowing he may never see his home again. It just became too much for my grandfather, who kept getting frustrated with him. Dad is complaining of his left side hurting now also. He is also urinating blood, which I don't know why. The pain is getting worse and he is just going in and out of it. I took a personal day today, but my grandfather is going to work as is my uncle and my sister staying after school, and my husband going to the gym after work. I know I can't drain myself, but I know I'll recover. Its just frustrating how everyone goes about their day.

I can't thank you enough for your replies while I go through my own tough times. I hope you have a great time with your friend moving so close by. I will be thinking of you!

Dad says he wants to stay in the hospice for 1 month. Says he wants to get his money worth...can't help but smile. He is still on the morphine and they just upped changing his patch from every 3 days to every other day. The past 2 days he asked for additional morphine under his tongue. He hasn't gotten sick after eating yesterday or today. It seems like he is having trouble remembering things, but I think it is from the morphine. I know that the tumor is benign in his brain after reading the reports from the doctors. That is a relief! I don't know if the radiation on his brain made it that way or maybe he didn't need the radiation on his brain and they did it as precautionary. If thats the case I'm mad they did that because they held off on the chemo treatments for his liver and lungs. He has high hopes saying he isn't going soon, I just wish a few family members felt the same way. I risk asking for a second opinion in fear of having my family say it's no use, or I am only getting my hopes up. Yet it bothers me that no one questioned if anymore chemo would help.

I can't help but think the doctors gave up too soon on my dad. He's been in hospice since July 26 after being in the hospital for 10 days. I now know he was so bad in the hospital because of all the drugs he was on...morphine among them. He was seeing things and it was all so horrible. They said the chemo wasn't working, yet he on;y had 2 treatments. Now I sit and think if they gave up too soon. He's been doing ok just throwing up sometimes after eating. Anyone with with any opinions I'll be more than happy to hear.

Dad has gotten much better since he's been in hospice. He feels sgood that he wants to come home. We would just need nurses to come each day to look after him. My grandfather and my dad's brother are against him and us. My grandfather thinks we hate him. I really believe i am still in denial as well as my sister. I desperately need help. Psychologically. Amti-depressants aren't working, 20 mg os lexapro and i went through about 50 0.5 mg 0f xanax sincethe 23 of july. Can't take this anymore

Today was happy and awful at the same time. The last few days he seemed to be doing better. I think trying to prove to us he is ok. He asked if i would take care of my sister and i said yes and we would be fine. That helped alot, knowing he has a peace of mind now. He likes his room it has a beutiful view with a big window with a bird feeder that attracts golden finches. He asked for pizza which i brought to him before he went to the hospice. He scarfed half of it down which was so surprising being that he was only eating liquids and yogurts and stuff. The hard thing now is i think the cancer is affecting his brain. The amount of morphine is still the same so i don't believe that is the cause. He is seeing things like spider webs and saying that is snowing outside. That was in the hospital. In the hospice he seen something which i couldn't understand. He said he wants to go after the company he worked for. We are going to call OSHA when all this passes. If anyone could help me to understand or if you know someone who had these symptoms i would greatly appriciate it.

Bed time and waking up are the hardest things to do now. All day i just go through the motions of living. Kinda like how your body knows just when to breathe. The ride to the hospital doesn't even require thinking anymore, its like the car just knows where to go. A woman my sister and i spoke to said she spoke with his doctor when we weren't there. The reasons for the radiation are to try and shrink the cancer in his liver to help ease the pain. I explained to my dad he was getting 5 treatments altogether and why they were doing it. He is eating less now, usually only what i feed him. He's just eating fruit now. He loves watermelon. Yesterday seeing him tell me he had to go to the bathromm was the hardest thing ever, just the look on his face like he wasn't going to make it, and having to wait for the nurses to come. My grandfather who has custody of my sister said this is so much harder than losing my grandmom. He suggested pureeing my dads food. I said no, dad wouldn't want to be treated like a baby. He said we already are by feeding him. The doctors won't put in a feeding tube because it would put more pressure on his abdomen. So we are sticking to the fruit and things like yogurt. I don't know how much longer i can take this. I treasure everyday i have with him, but it's so hard seeing him like this. But i can't be selfish, he's still fighting. I need to learn to control my anxiety attacks since my doctor refuses to give me anymore Xanax. Now i am taking 20 mg of Lexapro, which s doing nothing. Why doesn't she understand.

Well the nurses say he isn't going to make it. They are going to do the radiation today. My grandfather has accepted the fact my dad is going to die. Now my dad has to accept it. I feel he is holding on for my sister and I. I haven't accepted the fact yet but I guess it's time to tell him to let go. Please help me get through this.

I think he's better than yesterday.. He only seems to eat for me, not my Grandfather. I told him he was cimng home soon and it was the most coherent he's been and he said yes.

I just got back from the hospital. He seems better than earlier. They actually cut back the morphine. Isn't that one of the drugs they give when it's close to the end? They said they are prepping him for possible radiation on the liver on Monday, being they don't do it on weekends. God forbid a radiologist works on the weekend! Just feeling angry and all mixed up. It's so hard to keep it together for my sister. I just keep telling my Dad that he's coming home. I believe he has it in him to fight this.

I haven't been here in a while, but someone might remember me. Dad is in the hospital. He is now on morpine and it not helping too much. They are still playing around with the meds to get him comfortable. The cancer got worse in his liver. I guess its just a matter of time now. It's very hard seeing him so groogy and i;m not sure if he understands what is going on. They explained that he has gotten worse and the chemo would only make him worse now. I asked him if he understands and he said "some of it". I just don't want him to be scared. Please say a prayer for us!

The wedding went very well. It was a little hard walking down the aisle, but he was there...that's all that matters!! He is still eating well, now he can't stop eating ( thats what he says) and he goes for his 2nd chemo treatment Monday. Hopefully this time is as easy as the last. It's nice to hear from members even though I've been gone for 2 weeks. Hope eveeryone is doing well!

Today he actually told me he couldn't stop eating! He's been eating like every 2 hours. Small amounts, but it all adds up! 1 day till chemo starts, 6 days till wedding

Hopefully the radiation has done its job. The only thing that worries me is he isn't seeing a doctor untill sih first chemo appointment on the 9th. He's now down to 110 lbs. Not good for someone 5'6". I am wondering if it has something to with him stopping drinking. He would usually have 3 maybe 4 beers after work. No more of those excess calories. For fathers day i am going to buy him some very comfy pillows and a memory foam top for his bed. The least I can do is help him get a comfortable sleep.

went to see him today after treatment # 9. He's just lying on the couch. He can't really look straight at me. His eyes keep closing and rolling to the back of his head. He says he is ok but i know he doesn't want to worry me. All he had to eat today was 5 Fig Newtons. He's been trying to drink liquids but he keeps getting bloated. I mentioned the feeding tube and he said he knew about it. I think I am going to have to go the doctors with him real soon. My 82 year old grandfather has been taking him, but I know no one is asking questions or telling them how he's feeling. He says it feels like his stomach is shutting down, no indications of being hungry. Today it actually looked like he was dying lying there. I know the chemo, if they do it is going to make him worse. I am having a really hard time dealing with this. All while planning a wedding for the 14th. Had to get more anxiety meds today.