lilyjohn
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It is so sad that another good person has lost her battle with this monster. I pray that you find peace and know that she will always be with you. Lillian
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Words are ineffecient to express my sorrow for all of you. May you find peace in knowing that she no longer suffers and will always be with you. Lillian
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I have not posted here in a while. I have been very busy working to make a living. For a few weeks I had a part time job in town in the legal aide office. The work was new to me and interesting but in the long run it was costing me to work there. I was working only 3 and a half hours a day for minimum wage. As a consequence my unemplyoment was reduced adding the cost of gas to make that 40 mile round trip everyday put me in a possition where I was working hard, very tense and stressed and unable to make ends meet.
About a month ago I found out that one of my neighbors needed help at home. She is allowed so many hours a month by In Home Support. She asked me if I wanted the job and I accepted. At first the hours were the same as I was working in town. Given the price of gas I am actually earning more money than I was. Now my hours with her have increased and another one of my neighbors is getting into the program and I will be working for him. Hopefully soon I will be working full time and able to meet my obligations. I work very hard, much harder than I would have to so that keeps me in demand.
I try to come here as often as I can but that has gotten harder to do. One of my neighbors who is a diabetic has seemed to adopt me. I do enjoy her company at times but she seems to show up at all times and that interfers with many of the things that I want to do. I like her and don't want to be rude to her so I say nothing. Because of that I have a hard time juggleing my own house and yard work and the other things that I need to do. Many times when I have just come on here she shows up other times when I come on late at night Pam(Johnny's niece) comes on instant message so I have to sign off of the board to talk to her.
There are so many new people here and my time is so limited that I don't have time to get to know everyone. It saddens me deeply that so many find the need to be here and that I can not always be here to help give the support that they need. I look for news of some of our oldest members hoping to find out about one of those miracles that we all pray for and afraid that the news will not be that good. Like everyone I am deeply concerned about Dean Carl and anxioulsly await news from him. I have also noticed the absense of Carleen and Kieth and wonder what is going on with them as well as Grumpy One Lung and several others whose names seem to have slipped my mind at the moment.
When I let myself think and feel I have to face some very harsh facts. On December 2nd it will be two years sense my Johnny died. I am just as raw now as I was that first day. In some ways maybe more so. I work until I am so tired that I pass out at night. That keeps me from having too much time awake to think and feel the emptiness inside of me and the lonliness of a bed without him here to snuggle me. I have had so many extra ordinary experiences sense his death that I know that I am blessed to have his presence always with me but still sometimes my rational mind takes over and the doubts start to eat at my soul. What if I am wrong? What if the things I have seen and felt are just my mind playing tricks on me because I can not live with the loss without those things?
I know myself well enough to know that I am doing like I have always done. I use work as my defence aganist the pain in my life. I do have to work to survive but I could do the same work and not exhaust myself. Others do it without putting so much of themselves into it. I tell myself it is just not my nature to not give my all but deep down I know that work is my way to hide from myself and the things in life that I have trouble facing. So I work hard to survive and so that I am so tired that I don't have time to question why it is important to survive when most of the time I am just trying to forget that I am alive. I guess it is a vicious circle but one I can't escape. Maybe that is all just part of God's plan to get me to a point somewhere in the future when the images that haunt me won't be so vivid. Maybe too it is just His way of getting me through my life until I can once more be where I really want to be, in my Johnny's arms again.
These last weeks leading up to the aniversary of his death are so full of painful and beautiful memories that I am having a very hard time keeping them from overwhelming me. It is hard to keep up a pace that will not allow me to dwell on those imagaes but I keep trying. I have so many projects that I have started and I hope and pray that they along with my work will keep me too tired and too busy to let these dates put me into that depression that is always laying in wait for one moment with my guard down.
Please know that all of you are in my thoughts and prayers at all times. I think of you all as family. It makes no difference if you are still battling the beast of if like myself you are struggleing with a life that seems to hold no more dreams or promise. If anyone hears from Gay or Dean or Carleen or any of the others who seem to have gone missing please let me know.
Well I have to go now and get ready for work. Another long week awaits me. God bless and keep everyone of you. Lillian
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Dear Karen I am so very sad to see that your dad has passed. I was in the process of answering your other post when the site went down for the upgrade. I came here again and found this.
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Give your mom my love and condolences. She has now become part of a sister hood that none of us ever wanted to belong to. When she is able have her come to the board again. We can not lessen her pain any more than she can ours but somehow sharing with others who are in the same place you are makes living with our loss a little more bearable because we know that they understand what we are facing more than anyone else. God bless all of you in the coming days and weeks. I pray that you will all have the strength to get through the days and weeks ahead. Lillian
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Berisa I have heard that a butterfly is the sign of new life or a loved one returning. I have had several times when I felt like a butterfly was following me. I think you diffinately had a sign from your dad. As they say don't look for big things those happen rarely but those little things are signs too. We just have to reconginze them and asknowledge them. I am happy for you. Lillian
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I don't know what book you are reading but boy is that ever a good discription. I have felt just like that. Many times feel the need of the pain to keep me close to Johnny and afriad if I lose it I will lose him for good.
The person that wrote that must be well aquainted with grief. It is just so hard no matter how much time passes. Lillian
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Kim don't ever feel guilty about those feelings. As Ann has said we have dicussed it privately many times. One of the first emotions that I felt after the shock of Johnny's death wore off ( I should say eased because even now nearly two years later I think I am still in shock) was guilt. We feel guilty about things that we didn't say and about some things that we did. In my case I felt guilty abou things that I missed that I am sure could have not only made Johnny's last days easier but probably prolonged his life. When that feeling of why not Johnny would hit me my feelings of guilt became almost unbearable. Adding that to the other was just too much. Then I learned that I was not alone. I'm sure there is not one person here who has lost a loved one does not feel the same way at one time or another.
Yes I am very happy when I see someone who is improved or find out there is NED but a part of my heart still crys out why not Johnny. We are human. We have lost one of the most important people in our lives and in many ways we have lost a part of ourselves. Not to feel that question whould be much more unnatural than feeling it is.
There are some things that we will never know the answer to. That has been one of the hardest things for me to accept. Still I know that dispite my pain and loss I was blessed by the love of a very special person. I guess it is like in so many other things If we never know loss how will we recognize and appreciate what we have? If we never know pain how will we know joy? If we never know rain how can we appreciate the sun?
Never feel guilty about asking why not your mom. That is the most natural and loving thing that you can do. It only proves how deep your love is for her and it does nothing to take away from the compassion you feel for others. You will learn that once you ask that question and get it out of the way your compassion and support for others will be even greater. I wish you peace of thoughts and joyfull memories of your mom and her love Lillian
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Karen I am so sorry that Dave is having such a hard time both physically and emotionally. I know only too well what it is like to watch the one you love suffer these things. Just hang in there and always let him know how much you love him. I think this stinking disease makes them doubt they have value as a person any more. I learned the hard way that sometimes the emotional side effects are much harder to deal with than the physical ones. You and Dave and Faith will be in my prayers. Hopefull soon Dave will be his old self again. Lillian
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I have had two very bad experiences with cell phones. Neither had anything to do with Johnny's death but both came at a time when I was dealing with too many emotional problems. I find these companies to be some of the hardest to deal with. They seem cold and very unreasonable.
I had gotten Sprint while still in Louisiana and really liked their service. Once in California I found no change. I had about 6 months left on my contract when I went to Washington to be with Johnny. Because he was ill and I would be on the road and need to keep in contact I had my contract changed so I would have more peak minutes. As it turned out the new minutes didn't start until after I was in Washington. It cost me an additional $10 a month and I ended up with a bill of $87 for the extra calls that I made. Changing my plan also started my contract over so I was sitll bound to it for another year.
Those things would not have caused me a problem had it not been for the fact that once in Washington the phone didn't work most of the time. To make a call I had to go outside and stand in one spot. If I moved the call was dropped. I tried to get in touch with Sprint but could never reach anyone. The customer service line was always busy. They would put me on hold and before I got through the call would drop. Finally I outsmarted them. Instead of calling customer service I called their sales line. It seems if they think they will make a sale there are plenty of lines available. It was through the sales department that I finally got to speak to someone. I was told that my phone wasn't working because they didn't have enough towers in Washington. I made sure to tell them that was their fault not mine but they persisted in charging me the cancelation fee. I made sure to tell them that everyone I know will know how they do business. I paid their fee but I would never recomend them to anyone else again.
I found a local company and had wonderfull service from them. When I moved to Southern California and called to let them know that I was moving I had no problem at all. They do not provide service in that area and all I had to do to avoid the cancelation fee was send them a copy of the contract with the new cell phone company.
My first service in California was Cingular. I really liked their service and especially the roll over mintues. The problem came when I moved up here to French Gulch. The only cell phones that work in this remote area are Virizon. Once more I had to cancel and change service providers. Once again I got the screws put to me. They can not provide service here but still I had to pay the cancelation fee. I was not happy about that and reminded them that if a person bought a car you expected it to work no matter where you went with it. Seems to me that if they can not provide service they should not charge you to cancel. My arguments were all for nothing. I ended up once again paying $175 to cancel but there was something else even worse. When I first called them I was told that I was paid up through the next month. Because of that I didn't cancel until I got another phone and made sure it worked. I felt the need of a cell phone on that long drive into town. What really burned me up was when they added another months charge telling me that they didn't understand why anyone would tell me that sense they always bill for the previous month. Once again I assured them that they would get more than $200 worth of bad publicity. I always keep my promises and that is one that I take pleasure in keeping. I really believe that cell phone companies need to have their business more closely monitored. They are making a lot of money on cancelations simply because they are unable to provice service. That seems very wrong to me.
All of our utilities were in Johnny's name even tho I was the one who paid the deposits. I had set it up that way because Johnny needed the deductions to meet his financial requirements for Medicaid. I stayed in Washington for 4 months after he died. When I decided to move I went to the power company and told them about his death. That man was very nice and helpful. He assured me that all he needed was the time and place of Johnny's death and I would get my money back. Once the amount of the final bill was deducted my check was in the mail. They could have required me to provide a death certificate but they didn't. Not only were they very helpfull but very compassionate. It is too bad that more people are not like that.
We have so much to deal with already when someone we love is ill and when we lose them. Having these people take advantage of us in cruel and uncalled for. Joni tell us who you have your cell phone with. I can't believe that if you cancel and go to another company they will be allowed to charge you another cancelation fee. Were not both phones on the same contract? If so I would drop them like a hot potato and find a better service provider.
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Joni I see your pain and I feel it. I have been where you are. It has been nearly two years sense Johnny's death and still there are days when I lose control totaly. Those times don't come as often as they did neither does the deep depression but they do still come. I have learned that the only way to deal with my pain is to live life one minute at a time. I try to take the most I can from every second. If it is the pleasure of a blue sky or a bird's song I hold it for as long as I can. I don't dream or think about tomorrow because that is just to frightening. Why waste time thinking about tomorrow when I see no hope there. There is hope and life in each minute and once that minute is gone it will never return. We have learned how quickly life can rob us of our dreams and those we love. So now there is only this minute who knows how many others there will be?
Anger has been my greatest problem to overcome. I have in turn been angry at God, myself, Johnny's kids and fate. Slowly I have been able to lose most of that anger but that is something I have had to work at very hard. I know that my anger hurts no one but me. The mistakes and actions that took Johnny from me can never be undone. I know that and I know too that the ones responsible never think about what they did. It doesn't bother them only me. Being angry gets us no where but deeper into tha pit that is so hard to claw our way out of.
Life is cruel and very often unfair. No one knows why it is that way but we all know it is. We have seen too much evidence of that to deny it. I have tried to find the answers. I have asked why a million times but still I don't know nor do I understand. I have come to accept that there are questions that we will never have answered. I just haven't learned how to quit asking them any more than you have. I still want to see justice but doubt that I ever will. That doesn't mean that the people who made my Johnny's last days a living hell won't suffer their own hell on Earth. Maybe they will and no one will ever be aware that they do. I am still angry enough to hope that they do even tho I know that is not the Christian way to think. I know too that God knows my heart and understands. He is much more forgiving than I am.
Be kinder to yourself. Grief is not something to hide or be ashamed of. It is an expression of deep love. It can't be denied any more than the love can. You have a son who loves you and shares the memories of your Robert. You are so lucky to have that part of Robert live on in him. He may be a child but children have a greater sense of what is than we give them credit for. What ever you do that comes from your heart is not wrong for him. It would only be wrong if you shut him out of your greif.
Please take care of yourself and allow yourself those feelings. There will come a time when they don't rule your life all of the time. Until then take each minute and hold on to it. Take each memory and see it as a gift a part of Robert that no one can take away from you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Lillian
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Thank you Dean. Once again your wisdom and vision have come to inspire us. I have learned first hand what you can see if you only take the time. Maybe sometimes the rough spots on our road of life come so we have to slow down and look around. We tend to forget what beauty surrunds us. We take so much for granted then one day something happens in our lives that makes us stop and see the things that we have been missing. You as always find the words to lift us up and make us stop and look around and really see what is there.
I wish you many days of smooth travel down that road you have chosen. I also hope that no matter how rough it gets at times that you will always see something to make the trip worthwhile. God bless you and keep your eye and heart as seeing as they are. Lillian
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Dean I just want you to know that you and Gay are in my thoughts and prayers. I miss your wit and wisdom. I wish you more good days and peace in all things. Lillian
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I'm not quite sure how to start this. I usually end up with too many words but for once I'm not sure I have the words to explain what is going on with me or how I am feeling.
I know that I have been absent from here a lot lately. Partly that has been for lack of time but to be honest it has also been a choice that I have had to make. I still come here and read to catch up on everyone tho not as often as I did. For so many months I let it feel like an obligation to come several times a day and that was working on my emotions so much that it was keeping me down in that pit that I have trouble climbing out of. I have decided that I can not abandon this site nor the friends that I have made here but I do have to look for my welfare as well. The constant emotional upset was just taking too heavy a toll on me.
I am still working my part time learning job in the legal aide office and that has proven to be very stressful tho a good distraction for me. My other job is slowly taking off but it takes time. I am still required by the agency that sponsers me for my part time job as well as the unemployment office to continue my job search even tho I do have this other job that I am working my way up in. It is all very time consuming. I spend most of every week day in town but still earn barely enough to survive. Maybe at this time that is what I need. I have so much on my mind but keeping busy helps the my days pass very quickly and keeps my mind from dwelling on the things that hurt me most.
Three weeks ago I learned that one of Johnny's sisters was found dead. They are still not sure what her cause of death was. It is being investigated for foul play. Considering that one of his sisters was murdered in 1974 and the way he died that was nothing short of murder this is just one thing that is almost too much for my mind to accept. Add to that his brother took a turn for the worse last week and nearly died. He is much better now against all odds but it has left all of his family and me very stressed and depressed.
Two weeks after the fire went through here I finally decided that I was ready to have television again. Sense that time I have spent every weekend watching huricanes. Ann has become a very dear friend and I am constantly concerned about her and then Ivan threatened my family and destroyed much in Pensacola a place very close to my heart.
These things have all taken a heavy toll on me but I have handled them by living hour by hour and day by day. With Johnny's death I lost all of my dreams. With no dreams left the future becomes very frightening. The only way I can face it is to not think about it and take the most I can from each minute. This area where I live is still very charred. There are areas where new growth is starting even with no rian. Nature has a way of renewing itself. I hope that in time I will see the beauty here that I did before the fire. One way or another this is my home. Sense the fire I realize that for the first time other than the few precious months that I had with Johnny I am home. That is something that I have needed and searched for for most of my life. I have good neighbors and friends something that was very scare in my life for many years. I have much to be thankful for. Still when night falls all of the other worries depart and I find myself so alone and aching so much for Johnny and the love and closeness that we shared. I doubt those feelings will ever go away but I am learning to live with them. Sometimes I almost feel like all of the other things I worry about are just smoke screens to keep me from constantly facing the pain and loss that I live with. It works for a few hours a day so that is something to be thankful for despite the stress.
As I once again face the aniversary dates of those last months and weeks of Johnny's life I am frightened by what they could do to me. Because of that I have chosen to not visit this board as often. Please know that all of you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers even when I don't come here. I could never abandon you completely but I do have to look out for myself. I can't continue to live with my emotions so raw and expect to be able to do what I need to survive. Even with no dreams left the survival instinct is still in tact. Sometimes I wonder why but nonetheless I obey.
My sympathy is with all who have lost a loved one recently. I won't name anyone for fear of missing someone but please know that I grieve with you. I know your pain as only someone who has been there can. God bless and look after all of you my friends. Lillian
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I'm sorry that your David has one more thing to deal with. I hope that soon he gets some relief and you get a chance to catch your breath. Lillian
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I am so sorry to hear about your brother in law. Please convey my sympathy to your sister. Lillian
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Dolly I just saw your post and I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I remember the night that you, Kelly and I stayed on chat talking for a long time. I know only too well how your heart is aching right now. Please accept my condolences. Lillian
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As of 9:30 central time my oldest son has decided to stay. They are convenced they are safe there. I can't believe they are doing that and I am terrified. It looks right now like it may be going north toward Mobile. I don't want to wish this on any one but God I'm scared for my family. Please say an extra prayer. Lillian
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I haven't posted for a while. I have been kept pretty busy. You all know about the fire. That was very frightening and left me pretty nervous for a while. Things are starting to quiet down a little now. We still have some cleanup work going on but it is not as major as it was. Most cutting down burnt trees that didn't burn all the way to the ground and getting rid of the mess so people can start to rebuild.
I'm still working my part time job 5 days a week and meeting my obligations to keep applying for other jobs. The caregiving job has still not come through with a client for me. Being a new business it is taking a while to get it going. I'm hoping to hear that I have that work any day. I plan to do both for a while until the caregiving job builds to enough to make a living.
I have spent the last three weeks watching huricains. Like the rest of you I was worried about all of our Florida friends. I haven't heard from Ann for a few days now. I think she may be saving her generator fuel to run her house. From what I understand gas is still hard to come by there. I am hoping they will have electricity soon and we can corrispond again.
Now I have a major worry. From all accounts Southeast Louisiana will get hit pretty hard. I am in contact with my kids and they are all aware of the danger. My daughter and her family left this morning. They are in Texas for the duration of the storm. My boys and my ex are all packed and ready to leave first thing in the morning. I would feel much better if they had already left. They live about 65 miles southwest of New Orleans by highway but only about 30 miles as the crow flies. A major huricain like this one will devistate the whole area. All highways are opened just leading away from the area. Interstates 10, 12 and 55 are all opened going one way either west or north. The other major highway US 90 is opened going west. As you might imagine all of them were gridlocked all day today. I am hoping that my boys get out of there quickly in the morning before the weather starts to get too bad. Most of my ex's family is staying. He may be my ex but I still think of his family as mine. I worry about all of them especially his 82 year old dad and 86 year old aunt. Please pray that they all come through this alright.
I worry about everyone in the path of this monster storm but my children and grandchildren are my first priority. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I am very afraid they will take a very heavy loss of property but as long as they are safe I will be relieved. I love the beautiful beaches in Pensecola. For many years they were my home away from home. I saw them devistated by Opal in 1995 and George in 1998. I'm afraid that when this one is over it will make those look like afternoon thunderstorms.
So now you see why I have been absent. I was very upset to hear about Bob Mc and some of the others. I worry about Dean Carl and Kieth as well as many others. I want you to all know that you are in my thoughts and prayers even tho I haven't been here as much as I was. I do hope that Carleen and Kieth are not in New Orleans right now. Let me know if anyone hears from them.
My best to all of you. Lillian
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Still no word from Ann. I am very worried. I tried to call her but needless to say I couldn't get through. I seem to have lost her cell phone number so now I have no choice but to wait to hear from her. I think maybe she would have used up the charge on her cell talking to her sons during the storm. She could charge it in her car but with the gas shortage that might not be an option either. I promise to let you all know the minute I hear from her. Until then keep praying that all is well with her and the others.
I fear the ones who fled to Georgia or South Carolina just moved into the path of the storm. Maybe not as bad as in Florida but nothing to play with either. Hope we here from them all with news of their safty soon. Lillian
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Ann has my cell phone and home phone number. She is supposed to call me as soon as she is able and the storm is passed. I haven't heard anything from her yet. My son reminded me that if the towers are down even cell phones won't be able to get calls out. I will be anxiously waiting to hear from her as well as the others who live there. I know Palm Bay where Ann lives really got hit hard. There is a reporter there showing pictures. She told me that she lives about ten miles in land so I am hoping that has kept her safe. As soon as I hear from her I will post her so you will all know. Let's all say some extra prayers for these people God knows they need them. Lillian
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Yes Tess I too know how special that is. About a month after Johnny died he came to me in a dream tho I never was sure that I was really sleeping. I felt his arms go around me and his hand on my butt. When I jumped and looked over my shoulder he was there. I could see him so clearly. He said "it's alright I just want to snuggle you". I slept for the first time sense his death a peaceful sleep. I felt that he was with me all night snuggleing me. I even woke once to go to the bathroom and returned to bed feeling that he was still there to hold me. It was the most wonderful experience I have had sense his death. Even now nearly 20 months later I can still see him like he was that night so clearly. I will always believe it was much more than a dream. Lillian
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I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back here. I do want to think all of you for your kind responses. Things in my life have really be hectic especially sense the fire.
I am back at work this week in my training job. I was unable to go last week because of the fire. I had left home with no clothes and it took a few days to get a voucher from the Red Cross and some new clothes. Was I ever ready to get out of those clothes and have something to sleep in besides shorts.
The fire has caused me quite a few problems even tho I feel blessed that I lost nothing tangable in the fire. I did loose one thing that I am having trouble regaining and that is my peace here. Everytime the sun goes behind a cloud I jump up and look for smoke. I hear the helicopters flying over head and check to make sure they are not carrying water baskets. I know there is very little danger in the immediate area where I live because all of the fuel needed for a major fire has already been burned. It is just the memory of those flames and the fear is something very hard to get by. I have learned that I am not alone. Many of my neighbors are having the same problems encluding sleeping very little.
The people that I work for are wonderful. When my boss heard about the fire she called and told me not to worry about going back until I was ready. She also offered to help in any way that she can. She called me a second time to check on me again the day she had to leave to go to Oregon because her dad had died. I was so touched that she thought of me at a time like that. All of that from someone I barely knew.
I had also gotten all of my payroll information taken care of for the caregiving job I was hired for. That too was put on hold. That lady called me too when she heard and offered the some thing. It cost me missing those two jobs. I missed a weeks pay (as little as it is) on the first and missed a chance to get my first client on the second job. This is a new chapter of Helping Hands here and the clients are coming in slowly. Because I was unable to take a client last week they had to go to someone else. I'm hoping to get someone any day now. Needless to say I can sure use the money.
When I first filed for my unemployment I was told that the wages from the training job would not be counted against me. Today I learned that was a mistake so I will not have much income until my other job kicks in. Then to top it all off I had a problem caused by my bank.
My bank statement showed a check for $125 with no check number. I knew that I had not written a check for that amount and called the bank. My account was seriously out of balance. I had written a check for $175 and it did not show up so I had it listed as outstanding. Subtracting another $125 would put me seriously overdrawn. The back emailed me a photo copy of the check. Well it turns out that they paid the check for $175 at only $125. I still can't see how they did that because it is so plain on the check. I just haven't had time to call them back because of my job and the interview with the unemployment agency. Well because they paid only part of what the check was written for my credit card company sent me a letter saying that part of my payment is late and tacked on a $40 late charge. They also raised my interest rate to 26%. I went round and round with them trying to get them to lower my rates but they refuse but they did remove the late fee. I had been late with a payment only once before and that was when I moved and my statement got lost in the mail. I was so upset that I told them that I should have gone to a real loan shark instead of one that poses as a ligitimate bank. Still it did me no good. I have that high interest rate until I can have a steady job and buy it out with one of the low interest cards that I am constantly being asked to take.
So I think that I have all of the business out of the way now and hope that I will have more time to relax and come back to the board. I must say it has been one hell of a two weeks. I did get one good thing out of all of it tho. On my way home from replacing my groceries that spoiled I could still see the smoke on the mountain a few miles away where the contained fire was. I had not had any of the signs I look for from Johnny in quite some time. I was really nervous seeing that smoke and then after months of not hearing it I believe came on the car radio. I felt that somehow Johnny was once again telling me that i am not alone and never will be.
I have found out that i have the best neighbors. Everyone here is looking out for each other and pulling together. I returned home later than they did because my niece was still unable to get to her house. When I finally got home all of my neighbors came running. They were worried because they didn't know where I had been. I never expected that nor did I expect that the man next door would water my flowers and he would offer to take all of my spoiled food to the dumster for me. I know now that I finally have a real home. I just hope that I can get past this fear that the fire has left me with.
I spent so much time looking at the evergreens and finding comfort from them because Johnny had loved them so much. Now they are almost all gone. I know they will grow back but I fear that I will never see them the same again. I'm afraid that when I look at them instead of seeing beautiful trees I will see fuel for a fire. I pray that in time that will pass. It feels so good to finally feel like I belong somewhere. I don't want to lose that again.
Once again thank all of you for your responses. Dean I remember only too well the Cedar fire. I think that is why I knew that I had to get out fast. Last year when the Cedar fire was burning there was another big fire in Valley Center called the Paradise fire. That one came within a half mile of my home. That time I had time to leave work and get Misty and some of my things. This time the fire was so close and moving so fast all we had time to do was run. As I settle down more I will come here more. For now I want everyone to know that I do try to read the new messages every night. I just haven't had time to respond to many. As always you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
I do want to ask all of you for your prayers for our little town. Our population is only around 300 and 22 homes burned. That is a very big loss for a comunity this size. One of my friends is 84 and always very active. She was in town when the fire started and she lost everything. People have gone together and got her a camper trailer to live in for now and gotten her all of the necessities but nothing can replace 84 years of personal momentos. I have watched her visibly age in less than 2 weeks. We can all use all of the prayers that we can get but she is someone who needs a special prayer. Lillian
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HI Batina. I too have been concerned about you. In fact I even posted once asking about you. Believe me you are not alone in those bad emotional pits. It has been 20 months sense Johnny died and still I have days when I just can't seem to function because the emotional pain is so bad. Everyone says give it time but I really doubt that time will ever take all of those days away. I have learned that when they come the best thing to do is just give in and let the grief take over for a while. I seem to get past those spells faster that way than I do fighting them.
Please don't stay away so long again. There are a lot of us here who know what you are going through because we are there too. Take care and God bless you. Lillian
James' Mom passed away
in GRIEF
Posted
I am so sorry to learn of yet another beautiful person lost to this monster. Please pass along my condolences to the family. Lillian