lilyjohn
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Posts posted by lilyjohn
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Please Bruce take your break and do what needs to be done for you. Then don't forget to stop in once in a while and let us know how you are doing. We will truly miss you. Take care and know that you will be in my prayers. Lillian
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Oh Ginny I was just catching up with the board and saw your post. You have my deepest sympathy. I know how heavy your heart is right now. Peace be with you in the days to come. Lillian
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Pamela I am so sorry that you have lost your dad. I know how hard it is to accept. I have felt a connection with you sense your very first post. My heart truly goes out to you. I know by the time you read this the funeral will be over but I still want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry I was unable to respond sooner. I just saw your post. Lillian
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Johnny was on oxygen but as his turmor shrunk he started weaning himself off of it. He often told me that he felt like it was drowning him. I assume that is because he no longer needed it as much. He was on one drug for three months. I will always believe taking him off of it added to his anxiety because that drug helped him breathe easier. The name of the drug is Theodour or Theophelyn(SP) it is often used as a long term treatment for asthma. It really helped Johnny but like Albuteral it does make a person very shaky. The alternative is far worse(shortness of breath and the anxiety that goes with it).
I hope this helped some. Please keep us posted. Lillian
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Like Don I think it may be Navelbine. That takes less than an hour. Sense your husband is on Chemo as his doctor about Marinal. It is a synthetic Marajuana and does help with appatite. They are only supposed to give it for nausa after Chemo but Johnny's doctor used that as an excuse to give it for his appatite. That is the one medication that he had that did more good than harm.
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Hi everyone. I am home at last after the most frightening experience that I have had in quite some time. It all began Saturday afternoon at around 2:30.
I had spent the whole morning cleaning my car so it would be ready to start my new job this week. I knew that I would be transporting clients so wanted my car clean. I had been watching for smoke because so many fires were burning and the smoke had been very bad. I was hoping it wouldn't ruin my clean car.
I had decided to take a short nap then remembered my dishwasher was full. I walked to my dishwasher and bent to open the door. As I bent everything turned dark and I saw an orange glow. When I looked over my shoulder toward the widow the whole mountain top was on fire.
I started grabing my pictures and my important papers then a couple of Johnny's things. By then the fire had jumped from one section to another even closer. I took Misty and left toward my nieces. The fire was between us and the main road out. As I was leaving the park the Sherriffs were arriving making everyone leave. For some stupid reason I stopped at the post office to check my mail. The wind was blowing like a whirl wind by then and I could feel the heat. The sky was that sickly orange color.
By the time I got to my nieces house three miles up the road other cars were behind me. Some stopped and told me that the park here was burning. Not ten minutes later the town was on fire. /The smoke got worse and I was hurrying my niece to leave. Her and her family started packing and the smoke was just getting thicker and thicker. Finally the Sherriffs came and told us to leave. Sense we couldn't come back this way toward the fire we had to go up the mountain.
The whole town escaped driving up a narrow often times gravel road that twisted and turned up to the mountain peak. It took us nearly 4 hours to go that 45 miles. The whole way I was praying that another fire didn't start on that end and trap us all. We finally reached the center to register only to learn that we had to go another 30 miles to Wevervillle to spend the night in a shelter there. By then we had been told that the whold park here had burned. I expected that I would have nothing left to come home to. We also learned that most of the houses in town burned but all but one of the historical buildings were saved. The church across from me was saved too. The next morning we were told that center would close and we would have to drive down to Redding. That road was just as bad or worse than the one up the mountain. Only difference is that it is paved so we could go faster. When we got almost to the French Gulch turn off the fire met us at the highway. There were a number of fire trucks there and not long after we passed the closed the hiway.
Once at the center in Redding I met my next door neighbor. He had came about 4 in the morning from Oregon and a deputy brought him in to see his home. He had also seen that mine was safe.
So 7 of us (my niece and her family) and 3 dogs and a cat spent 4 nights in a motel. Today around 11 I got home. Thanks to SBC and PG&E there is already power and phone service here. Seeing how close the fire came has left me not only in shock but feeling very humble and thankful. Of 60 mobile homes only 2 burned. My neighbors less than 50 feet away had fire up to their back doors but their homes were saved. One small spot in my yard burned but there is not much grass and I had watered my flowers the night before so the run off had left the ground wet. I believe that is why my home was spared. I have to thank the firemen. It took horoic effert for 5 trucks to save this park.
The beautiful tress on the mountains are almost all gone. It looks like a moon scape here all around us. Our beautiful little town was nearly gutted but it is still standing in some places. The Red Cross and the Fire departments are doing an outstanding job helping us. I had left with no clothes and they gave me money to buy clothes and to replace the spoilage from my refridgerator and freezer. I will be okay. I am just very emotinal about all I have seen. The goodness of so many people has come through. My neighbors all looked for me and looked out for me. I have so much to be thankful for. I hope soon to catch up with the happenings on the board. For now I have a lot of cleaning to do. I will do it with a thankful heart. Lillian
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My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this painful time. You have my deepest sympthaty. Lillian
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Thank you that worked.
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I went to the site and can't find David's name there. Don't understand why. I looked through them all and even entered his name and it would show nothing. Lillian
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I didn't check the board this morning because I left early. When I got home I had an email from another memeber. I just don't know what to say I am so shocked. I only spoke to him a time or two on chat but he was so very kind and caring. My heart is breaking for all of us and his family. Please accept my condolances. Lillian
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I just want to make sure everyone knows ahead of time what is going on if I am remiss in responding to any posts.
Starting a new job and trying to juggle everything else that I am envolved it is taking some adjusting. It is well over 100 degrees here and I have been a night person ever sense Johnny's death. Even my last job was at night. Now I am learning how to go to bed before one or two am and it is not easy
I try to read every new post at least once a day. I want to keep up with everyone. I just may take a while before I respond to too many. I want everyone to know that everyday you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I rejoice when there is good news and pray when someone is facing a proceedure or test. I grieve with those of you who are greiving. So please know that you are on my mind and in my prayers even if I don't say so with each new post. In time I am hoping to get myself on a normal schedule again then I will be more active here.
It is amazing that so many people I have never met have become so dear to me. I think a lot of the reason for that is because Lung Cancer not only gives us so much in common but because most of the rest of the world seems to distance themselves once lung cancer is mentioned.
So bless all of you and keep your health and your hearts in good condition. I am still waiting to hear about Kieth. Hopefully he is doing well and Carleen just has no way to post. Someone else mentioned Grumpy One Lung. I'm wondering about him too. I know there are several others who haven't posted lately but their names have slipped my mind for the moment. Anyone who is MIA and reads this please let your FAMILY here know how you are doing. We all tend to worry.
Bless all of you. Lillian
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Shirly I have been waiting to hear. I am so happy for you. Some how I missed your post until just now. Go celebrate girl
Sorry about that aniversary date. I know only too well how hard that was. Bless you and may you have continued good news. Lillian
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Welcome home Candy. I applaud your courage. I can't get the nerve to drive from here to my family in the Bay area and it is only less than a five hour drive.
Sounds like you made out pretty good over all. I know that it had to be hard on you but you did it and that is what counts. Let us know when the baby arives. Thinking of you and praying for peace for all of us. Lillian
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I have been reading CAT's story and my heart breaks for her. It has me thinking. Right now we can all do what we can to help but what about in the future when someone has a problem and needs immediate help?
If there is anyone who knows someone who has some clout or a lot of influence we need them here. Can't we start a recruitment campagne to try to get at least one or more people that can get things done in a hurry to join us. If we can find them we can ask that they become a member here with us. There has to be someone out there that has someone who is battling this now or who has lost someone to lung cancer. Someone we could turn to in a crisis.
I keep remembering that last frightening weekend with Johnny. If I would have had someone to call when that doctor refused to treat him or when they gave him those drugs that messed him up I may have been able to save him. So I am asking please everyone think of the people you know and try to remember if there is anyone who may be able to become a part of our group and give us the clout we need when someone is in a desperate situation.
It may not work but I feel it is worth a try. Lillian
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I can write letters after work. I wish I could help her finacially but I just can't. Still I want to help in any way that I can. Just let me know. My heart breaks for her. She has enough going on with her health she shouldn't have to deal with an *ss like that. Lillian
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Cat listen to what everyone is saying. Think of you right now not that sob of a doctor. He is human he is not God. His power only goes so far and he gets most of it from making people so afraid of him that they won't act. Do what you need to do for you now. Accept the help of all of us. Don't let that bas&&&& win!! Don't give up because HE is a loser not you
As far as the hipocratic oath goes I have heard that they don't use it any more. If they do I sure know a few along with yours who should pay the price for that lie.
Rest tonight and tomorrow you will be able to start over. Start with your frinds here. That *ss might be able to throw his weight around a sick person but it won't get very far with people he can't threaten with his abuse. Take care and know we are all here ready to help and praying for you. Lillian
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When you honor your mother's wishes you are doing the right thing. Don't let people get you down. I really want to ask where were all of these people when you were caring for your mother all alone? That is when they should have voiced their concern and done something to help out. A memorial service is a choice that you still have time to consider. If you decide against it then don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
I will tell you that a memorial sevice my help the others but what you are doing is helping you. YOU and YOUR MOTHER are the important ones. We had a memorial service for Johnny and it gave all of the ones who had stood back and let us deal with everything alone a chance to have their say. I know that Johnny would much rather have had them show how much they cared while he was alive. If they need to salve their concience for not being there for the two of you that is their problem not yours. You did what was right and you continue to do the right thing by honoring her wishes.
Don't ever expect to please everyone. It is not humanly posible. Just take care of yourself and do what ever you need to do to get by. My thoughts and prayers are with you. All patients should have sons as willing to go that distance with them. Lillian
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Welcome back. Good to hear that they think they got it all. Take your time to get well and post when you feel up to it again. We will all be here waiting to hear from you. Lillian
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I just want to let you know that you are both in my thoughts and prayers. Lillian
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It sounds like you have your hands full right now. I hope and pray that all goes well for both your husband and your brother. Lillian
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I'm not going to attempt to catch up on the things happening in my life right now. I sat here only to document the feelings that I am facing today. It is not all of the time any more that I have these slumps but they still come.
I can be doing alright getting on with the business of everyday life then it suddenly hits me. I get a good dose of reality and it is like a hammer blow to my mid section. It hits so hard that it knocks the wind out of me. I don't know what triggers these spells. I only know that they happen.
Pictures flash though my mind. Pictures of Johnny when we were young and pictures from those last precious months that we had together. I can see a smile or a movement or feel a touch. Those images are so strong and so clear that it is as if it were only yesterday. Knowing that those things will never happen again is almost more than I can bear.
These times are hard to deal with but I don't want to lose them. I have so many beautiful memories. To lose them would be to lose a part of not only Johnny but myself. I know too that without them I would never be able to survive and face the days that lie ahead for me.
So I set here and I cry and I remember. I remember the love and I remember the laughter. I remember what it was like to feel that love that was so pure that it stabed through my heart. I feel the ache for him to touch me. I feel the need for him to hold me. I keep hoping that if I try hard enough I will feel his arms around me again. I beg to see that sparkle in his eyes. I know that he is gone and those things are all a part of the past but I know too that he will always be alive in my heart and I will always hold on to these memories
I love you Johnny. Don't ever let me lose these precious memories. They are all that can keep me going until that glorious day that we once again will walk hand in hand and heart to heart.
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Joni
I read your words and my heart goes out to you. What you are experiencing is something that all of us do who lose a partner. No matter how much you have to fill the time there is nothing that fills the void left when they are gone.
The first days and weeks everyone wants to be there to help then as time passes they go back to their life because they still have one to go back to. They may have lost a brother, father or best friend but they have not lost the person who was at the center of their world. When the reality that this is not a nightmare finally sinks it it takes everything you have just to get up and face the days and hours without you other half. Things can fill the time but nothing can fill that hole in your heart. You are blessed to have your child to keep you going but I know too that must make it even harder in some ways.
You will meet many people who will have advice for you. They will tell you things that make you feel outraged. They will often tell you that it is time for you to get over it or get on with your life. Most of the time they will avoid talking about your loss. It makes it worse because you feel like not only did you lose him but no one wants to even acknowledge that he existed and took most of you with him when he left. Those people are not being intentionally cruel. They just have no way of understanding unless they have suffered the same loss. Even then it is different for everyone.
I think one of the crulest things that cancer does is rob a person of their dignity. They have to become totaly dependant on someone else. Often it is the strongest that suffer the most by this. I have often said that cancer robs a person of life long before it takes their life. Not only do I see that but I know too that it does the same thing to those of us who love them and live with all of the things that destroy our world. We watch as it slips away one day and one minute at a time.
Cancer is a cruel reminder of how fragile life can be. We learn that lesson only too well. With all it takes it leaves something else behind. Not all of that is bad because it teaches us the value of love. It makes us see what is important in life. Too bad that we can't have that and once the lesson is learned go back to our life and love. Maybe someday that will happen. I pray for that day for others but I know for those of us who have lost our world it is too late.
It is alright to feel angry or cheated. It is alright to feel like the world is off it's axis. It is. Life has cheated you and it takes a very long time to accept that. It takes even longer for the pain to seem even the least bearable. It slowly gets bearable one minute at a time. No matter how much time passes the loss will always be there. You will just learn to cope with it. The one thing that it took me the longest to learn is that when the bad days come not to fight them. Go with the pain. Live the memories and let the tears help wash some of the darkness away from your world for a while.
Johnny often told me that he could only take so much of something at a time. He would say "a little at a time that is all I can take. A little at a time that is all I can stand." Sense his death I have learned the meaning of those words much better than I ever wanted to.
Do any thing you need to get by. There is no wrong way to greive. If you ever need someone to share with PM me. I make you only one promise. I will never tell you that I completely understand. As much as we may have in common with others who have lost a partner there are still may differences. I know that better than most. I pray for you to find a few minutes of peace "a little at a time". Bless you and Alex. I will say an extra prayer for you tonight. Lillian
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I recieved this in my email today. Very interesting thought. I can't help but wonder how they made this come about.
>
>
>
>
> New M&M colors
>
> Pass this on to all of your friends. There are many women out there who
have
> breast cancer. Lets do all we can to support this cause.
> New Pink &White M&M's
>
> The makers of M&M candies has teamed up with the Susan G. Komen Breast
> Cancer Foundation to raise funds through the sale of their new " pink
&white
> " M&M candies.
> For each 8-ounce bag of the special candies sold, the makers of M&M
> (Masterfoods) will donate 50 cents to the foundation. The next time you
want
> a treat, please pick up a bag (now sold in stores nationwide) - you will
be
> donating to a great cause and satisfying your sweet tooth.
>
> Please pass on to all your family and friends. -- Thank you.
>
dberry
in GENERAL
Posted
I'm so very sorry to hear about your uncles passing. Please except my condolances. We have all been concerned because he is one who has been missing. I hope no I know that he has finally found the peace that he was hoping for. Lillian