LisaEz

I'm still new here, but I know that you do a LOT for a lot of people. Please don't feel bad that you need to take care of yourself....because in the end, that helps you to help others, right? (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))) and I hope your ankle is feeling better.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your precious mother. You'll all be in my prayers.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel guilt over your stepmom's situation. I know that you wouldn't have let her be out on the streets, and I'm sure she knew who the "bad guy" was in this story. She knew she could count on you if she needed it, and that's what counts.

As I go through this year of "firsts" without my dad, I am finding today one of the harder things I've gone through so far. I just wanted to say (or write, I guess) this: Dad, you mattered. You made a difference. Because of you, the world is a better place, STILL, even with you gone. You mattered! Your laughter and your sense of humor mattered. Your intellect and your kindness mattered. Your parenting mattered. You mattered! You still do! You raised me to be a good, kind, loving person. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I won't let you down, I won't ever forget, and I'll always be thankful for the gifts you've given me. Most of all, to ME, you mattered, and you always will, no matter where you may, or may not, be. I love you, I loved you, and you made a difference. You mattered, just as the beating of a butterfly's wings can make a difference across the world, the things you did made differences too. You and I both know the kinds of things you made a difference in, and the hundreds of lives you touched as a professor and a business man. You mattered then, and you still do. I wish you were here for me to say Happy Birthday to, for me to give a hug to, and to get one in return. Instead I am wrapping myself in my memories of you, and that is my hug. Thanks for mattering, Daddy.

Michelle, my deepest sympathies to you on the loss of your beloved. It is very hard to face all of the future while you're still holding on to so much pain over the past-the what ifs, the how could that happens, etc...Give yourself time to come to terms with what happened in the past year, it will help you to be able to move forward once some healing has started to happen. I know it probably doesn't help much, but I'm sending you thoughts and prayers of comfort, plus some cyber hugs too. ((((((((((((((Michelle)))))))))))

I guess that is one good thing about my father's quick death, we didn't have to enter in to the long-term caregiver roles, although we had been during his year long hospitalization and recovery back in 2005. I agree with you that we need visibility and compassion for caregivers, as well as a recognition of the amazing role that they play in the care and even deaths of their loved ones. My father in law had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma which morphed over the years into Chronic Leukocitic Leukemia. He lived for 18 years with the cancer before dying back in 2007. He was relatively healthy for many of those years but was very sick for about the last three years. I know that my mother in law was left reeling not only from the loss of her beloved husband, but from the sudden absence of that role that had been so very important for so long. She was at loose ends and didn't know where to turn once she no longer had diapers to change, suppositories to insert, oxygen bottles to replace, etc.... I wish we could take some of the money that is saved in our society every year by families taking care of their loved ones versus having to have those people in institutional care and use that money to raise awareness of how important caregivers are and how deeply affected they are by what they go through.

My dad had a very strange relationship with his family. He barely knew his own father. His mother was estranged from most of HER family, so we knew very little about them either. After my dad's major illness began back in 2005, we started trying to find out all we could. My mom (his ex wife) is an expert at genealogy and managed to find a fair amount of information, but no amount of data could replace knowing stories and real people from my dad's past. My dad was very grateful for what little she found, but always wanted more. Today, I received a phone call from a cousin I never knew I had. He and I shared the same grandfather. He had been looking for my dad for years but could never find him....until this past Saturday when he googled my dad's name and found my posts here about him, and his obituary that I had written. Irony....that my dad's family found him only through his death. Irony....that my dad wanted so much to know about them all....Irony that I came here YESTERDAY (Sunday) and tried to erase as much personal data about my dad and myself that I could because I felt so exposed having it all out there on the internet. I'm putting it all back! Lisa

Thank you for the kind words and thoughts. It helps to know I'm not alone and hopefully not doing this "wrong". I talk to my stepmom a couple of times a week, at least, and it helps to talk to her and get to talk about him with someone else who feels like I do about him being gone.

I only had the chance to post here a few times before my dad died this summer. He had been diagnosed with NSCLC (Stage 4) and died 20 days later. I haven't been able to do much about him since his death. I created a blog and wrote out the story of the day of his death so I wouldn't lose the little details. I got through the memorial service. I've made it through 3 "month anniversaries" of his death since July 27th. I've supported my stepmom as much as I can as she goes through this loss and grief. I still haven't cried since the day he died. Not once. I've teared up a couple of times, especially when I call their house and hear his voice on the answering machine. Some part of it still feels unreal. As though he's at home, with his wife, and I just haven't heard from him for a while. Then a picture of him will pop into my mind, the way he looked at the funeral home when my smom and I viewed his body and said goodbye again before he was cremated. I had always been a bit scared to touch a dead body, I don't know why. But that day, I couldn't stop touching him. We cut off a couple of locks of his hair. I put the hair away and haven't looked at it since. His birthday would have been one week from today. I am not sure how to get through November 8th. And then Thanksgiving. And then Christmas. Last year he went with us to pick apples with my kids. This year we went without him. I'm so numb and yet in pain. It makes no sense. I can feel myself putting my feelings into a box in my heart and closing the lid so that I can focus on my three young children and day to day life. We've all had H1N1 the past few weeks (of course, we all got it one at a time, not together) and life is just always so busy that it's almost easy to say, like Scarlett O'Hara, that I'll think about it tomorrow. I still always think "I want my Daddy" whenever I think of him. I want him back, I want him with me. I want to tell him more things and hug him and kiss him and hug him again. I want to see his smile. I want for people to ask me how I am and really mean that they want to know. I want to not have to be strong every minute of every day in front of my kids. I want to grieve him and begin to heal instead of feeling as though I am putting something off. But I can't seem to. I feel defective. He would have been 69 in one week. I still can't believe he won't be here for me to call and talk to on that day. Thanks for reading. I guess I just needed to get it out. Lisa

I'm going to write about my dad. I want to talk about his major illness in 2004-2005, his diagnosis of lung cancer, funny stories, loving stories, his death, etc... The first post is his death. I needed to get it out. I get the need to write from him. He was a college professor, so I get it honest. http://myfather-smallthingswithgreatlove.blogspot.com/

Wow, great post Katie. You are so right. I guess I agree that there shouldn't be a timeline placed on grief, even if it stretches into years, but it is good that maybe there will be more attention paid to the fact that grief can be debilitating and cause physical pain and symptoms too....maybe more doctors will be aware of their patients who've lost loved ones and question them to be sure they are grieving in a healthy way versus a way that is starting to be damaging to them. I think part of it has to do with the fact that many of us live so far from other family members. Whereas years ago we would've all grieved for a lost loved one together, talked things out and taken as long as we needed while sharing the burden of grief, nowadays a lot of people are alone or almost alone in dealing with their pain.

I'm new here, but wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts as you move through another stage of grief. I hope you feel comforted by his memories on these two tough days for you.

I can't thank you all enough for the support and helpful words. I think I am doing a bit better. The painful shock is starting to recede a little bit. I talk to my stepmom every evening and she is really helping me to process all of this. She's reminding me to be thankful for what we had, the time we had, and that helps a bit. I haven't gotten much sleep the past two nights. I am trying to stop taking the Xanax but maybe I still need to take it for a while longer. I'm in a fog today I'm so tired. I miss him, I have a huge hole in my heart, I want him back. But I'm doing better.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope your memories will help to lessen the pain of missing him so very much.

Jana, I am very new here, but I understand your pain. My father in law passed away 2 1/2 years ago and the pain still feels very fresh sometimes. And of course my pain over my dad *is* fresh....but I try to tell myself that the amount of pain I feel is equal to the amount of love I feel, and sometimes that helps. (not always!) I hope you feel better and I hope things get better for you. I am sure your Mum is very proud of her grandchildren and the mother that her daughter has become.