stand4hope
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God does give us more we can handle
No he doesn't, Lori. That's because he doesn't give any of it to us. He's not the source of our afflictions. He does, however, promise to give you strength if you trust Him no matter what.
Big girl panties? Not me! I'm still in diapers, even with my long list of deaths and hard times. But, even babies get up when they fall down. They cry and then they are up and running again. You will be amazed over the next 30-50 years of your life what you were able to "get through."
Sure, you're going to be worried until you get the test results back; I would be, too. But, I've always tried to live by some very old advice: "Prepare for the worst, but expect the best."
I'll say a special prayer tonight for your little guy, and for you, too! You can get through this!
Love and hugs,
Peggy
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Tu duhduh duh duhduh . . . . CHARGE! You go girl! Those pesky cancer cells don't stand a chance.
Love,
Peggy
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Love,
Peggy
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Dear Lori,
I, too, am so sorry. It makes it 10 times worse when you have worked so very hard to try to prevent this.
I'm glad the doctor told her.... THIS IS IMPORTANT:
It gave her the opportunity to be able to tell you how much you mean to her and how much she has appreciated all you've done. You will remember that conversation for the rest of your life. I'm glad that she had the opportunity to say it NOW.
As you know, with the brain issues being so severe, just about anything could happen with her mind over the next weeks/months. This way, even if she becomes difficult at a later date, you will always remember your conversation today. Be sure to copy your post above and keep it so you will remember.
I remember that about an hour or so before Don died, when he was heavily sedated and totally paralyzed (intentionally) that I told him he wasn't going to make it. I told him it was ok to go and that Mike and I would be ok and I would always love him. My tears were soaking his bed as I talked to him. At that moment, he squeezed my hand. UNBELIEVABLE! Remember, he was sedated and paralyzed. The nurse was there and I shouted, "He squeezed my hand." She said, "He can hear you."
After he died, as I was leaving, that nurse got ahold of me and got very close to my face, looked me in the eye and said, "Don't you ever forget that he squeezed your hand." It was a good thing she did that. Because of the state of mind I was in, I think I could have forgotten it if she hadn't so deliberately with eye-to-eye contact said those words to me. I will never forget.
So, please write down or copy those words above and DON'T EVER FORGET!
Love,
Peggy
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And I will always love you from that land way up above.
Will be in touch again soon! P.S. GOD sends His Love!
Tears dripping here! I have to believe that. I will believe that. I do believe that!
The only thing I can think of is a Bible verse that says something like this: "I believe, Lord, help me in my unbelief." I'll have to go look it up to get it exact.
Thank you, Ann!
Love,
Peggy
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Oh, Kasey (and Fred, too), I can't even imagine how upset you must be. I'm sure glad Don Wood is here to give you guys his words of encouragement. He sure convinced me!
I'll bet you feel like kicking those flower pots clear across the yard. Give me a minute to get my rifle and I'll even shoot those dadblasted varmit rabbits if that will make you feel better.
Love and hugs,
Peggy
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Thanks for posting this, Val. This is a very touchy subject for me for many reasons.
If attitude would have made a difference, I can assure you that Don would be alive today. He's not.
Love,
Peggy
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I am a paralegal and have worked for the same attorney for almost 20 years.
I love my job, but he broke away from the firm/partner scenario Jan. 1 of this year. So now he's a sole practioner and I am paralegal, legal secretary, office manager, bookeeper, accountant/billing department, and receptionist. It has been exhausting for both of us. He has a pretty good-sized practice and trying to keep up with the legal work has been a huge challenge for me since I've had to learn to do billing, accounting, and even my own payroll. So, long story short - yes, I love my job, but could do without the financial work and be much happier.
I would love to have what Ginny has, though:
...a job that when I left at the end of the day, I didn't have to think about it.I would also love to have earned a degree like Ry's in Psychology. I love that subject and wish I would have pursued some type of work as a psychologist.
I doubt that I would change jobs for any reason - even money. I have the best boss in the world, and he and his wife and kids are like family.
Many years ago I worked for a First Class Pain in the Butt, and I also had a job once that I didn't have ANYTHING to do. Both situations were totally unacceptable. So, the trade off to have less pressure, less work and shorter hours, but maybe have a jerk for a boss or nothing to do, is not worth losing my extended family and a job that I really enjoy.
My "hours" are generally 8:30 to 5:30, however, they are usually much longer than that.
Peggy
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Thank you, Cindy. I've already written to and received the proper disclaimer to use on the bookmark - it just doesn't appear on the sample yet. Thanks for bringing that up, though. It is always very important to check before printing something like that.
The picture is from Microsoft, so I haven't checked with them yet. I'm waiting because we may use a different picture, or even a picture from people in our congregation.
Thanks again! And if you didn't see it, I added a link where you can see the bookmark a little larger:
For larger view, click this link: http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l231/ ... okmark.jpg
Love,
Peggy
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Ok. I changed the site, can you see it now?
For larger view, click this link: http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l231/ ... okmark.jpg
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Dear Val,
I have a feeling it isn't "all". Today hurts, doesn't it? I have one coming up, too, that I am painfully dreading. A new widow friend of mine told me the, "The day after you will feel better." I pray that the day after you, too, will feel better.Love and hugs,
Peggy
P.S. I posted this once, or so I thought. It either went on the wrong thread
or I didn't hit submit. -
I'm working with two pastors at my church to start a grieving ministry and I am incredibly excited about it. I have done just a preliminary design of a bookmark that I hope we will use to offer to funeral homes to set in a pretty basket near the guest register for people to take one.
Not only is it "preliminary", but it's also very amateur, and I'm sure (if they accept the idea), the finished product will be quite different. I just wanted to get something in front of them so they could "feel" my idea. It worked. As my Don would have said, "They are on it like a duck on a June bug."
One of them wrote back to me and said, "This is a GREAT idea. I want to help make this happen." I am so happy and excited about this! 
A great big THANK YOU to cindy0519 for posting the poem called "Don't".
If the title on the front side is too small to read on your screen, it says "Don't know what to say?" Remember, I'm not an artist, so this is very amateur, but what do you think?
For larger view, click this link: http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l231/ ... okmark.jpg
Love,
Peggy
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Dear Adela,
Take Ginny's advice - she's 100% right. In the past 11 months I've learned that I HAVE to take the initiative. People just ARE NOT going to come to me.
I am still amazed that all those that I thought were friends disappeared as if they were a bunch of ants and somebody dumped water on them. Get the picture?
I remember about a month or so after Don died that it was OBVIOUS that my neighbors were actually avoiding me. Oh, they were friendly enough when we were in one of those situations where you can't escape - you know, right there at the fence, etc., but I actually saw them several times duck in the house when I went out to get the mail or checking out my new grass seed. I would see them out of the corner of my eye as I walked toward the road, but when I turned around, they had gone in the house.
I knew it wasn't because they didn't like me. We had always been friendly. Even though we didn't do things together socially, we always waved and sometimes stopped to just chit-chat. I know a couple of times when I talked to them in the yard after Don died, I got kind of weepy (but, choked it back and didn't stand there and cry my eyes out). I finally realized that they were deliberately avoiding me. It could have been because of the tears, or because they thought I might fall apart and they couldn't/wouldn't want to deal with that, but I mostly think they were afraid I was really going to ask them to DO something to help me.
I've read several articles in the past week or so about why our friends and family avoid us. It's complicated in some cases, but when we learn WHY they do that, at least we understand and can let them go. I didn't say it was "right", but I do understand.
Anyway, now that I've slid into that stage where I'm ready, it's easy for me to make friends and talk to people. Since you're on the shy side, just start with baby steps. There are so many ways to meet people and make new friends - walking in your neighborhood and just stopping to say hello to somebody washing their car or working on their flower garden, etc. I think that joining a church is the best step to making new friends, and joining a grieving group is also a really good place to start. There are card clubs, YWCA, library groups - the list goes on and on where you can find and make new friends, and just go at your own pace.
Hang in there, Adela. We are all in this together!
Love,
Peggy
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Thank you, Frank. That was played at my dad's funeral and it was one of the few times I ever saw Don with tears. Dad was a World War II vet and my brother was given the flag. Dad also received the 21-gun salute.
It was also played at Don's funeral - very emotional for all of us. He was a Vietnam vet, got the 21-gun salute, also. Don wasn't a white American, he was a red, white and blue American.
Both were members of the American Legion, so it was all done by them.
Thanks for posting this!
Love,
Peggy
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Yay! So glad you're back, Nancy. You take care of yourself and don't try to do too much. NO RACING!!!
Love,
Peggy
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Mine's easy: I stand for hope!
Love,
Peggy
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Love,
Peggy
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Hi Rod,
We just met in chat. Again, WELCOME to this wonderful group of friends. There is truly amazing support, knowledge and even laughter here.
I always think it's a good idea to get a 2nd opinion, but I don't necessarily agree that your doctor is treating your dad with palliative care. It sounds to me like the treatment is pretty standard, other than it didn't sound like he talked about radiation to the tumors at all, so that's why I would get a second opinion. Surgery to the lung isn't usually an option since the cancer has spread. He might have reasons for not doing radiation to the lung tumors and for not doing some type of aggressive treatment to the liver tumors, but I would sure ask. If he gives some kind of song and dance about your dad's age, smoking, statistics or prognosis, fire his butt as fast as you can!
Also, if they still have good tissue, you can get a second opinion on the biopsy report.
As far as a PET scan is concerend, PET scans aren't usually done at diagnosis. The reason is because they already know the cancer has spread because it is outside the lung. PET scans are very expensive and generally done when there is pain somewhere, or when they are trying to see if the chemotherapy treatments have wiped out the cancer. Many insurance companies won't pay for a PET scan without a valid medical reason to do the PET. You see, the treatment for spread to the bones, etc. would still just be chemotherapy in most cases - unless there's pain.
Now, a brain scan (usually MRI) is a little different. There has been a lot of discussion here about that, too. Most doctors also won't order a brain scan unless there are symptoms to the brain. My husband got one right off because severe headaches is how he was diagnosed and he did have brain tumors - eight of them. Since most chemotherapy won't cross the blood brain barrier to the brain, I had a problem with the reasoning provided in regard to not doing at least 6 month brain scans with a cancer diagnosis. It seems to me, if the brain mets are caught early, they are very small and easy to wipe out. That is probably also an insurance issue. Again, my husband didn't have trouble getting the brain scans because he had symptoms, but others have experienced that their doctors/insurance companies won't do them.
I'm glad you're getting a second opinion. I do have a feeling you can find a more aggressive doctor if that's what your dad wants.
Hang in there, Rod. This is a new journey for you and your family. You've crossed that line into what we call the new normal. It's a tough road to go down, but it is do-able, and it is survivable (is that a word?) LOL!
Love,
Peggy
P.S. I didn't check to see if you had follow up posts about your dad, so all of this might be moot at this point. If so, just ignore it all. LOL!
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Hey Karen! It was perfectly ok for you to agree that your mom and dad are in the better place because THEY ARE!! And that is a very, very wonderful thing - something to be very grateful for. It was also good, though, that you added "but that doesn't lessen the pain." You nailed it perfectly.
I don't mind agreeing that Don's in a better place or with God or free from pain or whatever they say because it's true and it's a good thing, and I really don't mind them saying it as long as it isn't said like that should make everything perfectly ok. I should have known, and now will know, to add something like you did. Rather than me giving the "but", I would just agree and keep the upset inside me because I felt they didn't care about me - just Don, or our baby, etc. It was much worse when our baby died. Those in attendance at Don's services, etc. really and truly loved him, too, and most said they were so, so sorry, hugged me and cried right along with me. But, it still did happen. With our baby, I think that's about all ANYBODY said. None of us really got to know John, so none of us loved him because we never really "knew" him. I guess that made it all ok because he was in a better place. Go figure!
Like I said, I would never never say anything mean to anyone that says these things. They truly do mean well - THEY DO! It's up to us to educate our friends and family, and hopefully, they will pass it on.
I'm working with one of my pastors to start a grieving ministry, and I'm going to suggest we put that poem on bookmarks and give them to funeral homes that will accept them and ask them to put them near the guest books. I think we could make them really pretty with a title that says "Don't know what to say?"
Also, I want everyone to know that when I said I "blurted" that out, I said it with great compassion, while I was touching this lady on the arm. I know she appreciated it - somebody understood how she REALLY felt.
Love to all,
Peggy
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Linda:
Even though my parents had JTWROS, the community property laws of our state still had something to say about that for estate tax purposes.That could be very true in other states. I guess you are talking about what we call inheritance tax. I don't think I had to pay inheritance tax. I really don't remember, and I know I didn't have to pay any Indiana state taxes. I also didn't have to pay any federal estate taxes.
What the will specifically said also mattered --In my case, the will did not matter because everything went to me first in the will, and since Don then, at date of death, didn't have any assets over $25,000, the will did not have to be probated at all.
JTWROS made it easy to deal with the banks and such for easily changing over account titles (and yes, do be sure the right social security number is in place on those accounts for tax reporting!), but it didn't matter when it came to tax filing requirements -It didn't matter in my case on filing requirements either, but it did matter a lot on the bottom dollar of my returns. I didn't have to pay taxes on anything I basically inherited because it was all mine because of the way we had it set up - jointly held. The only thing I did have to pay income taxes on that about knocked my socks off was Don's company-paid life insurance. That was a big one. I didn't have to pay income taxes on the supplemental life insurance he had with his company, just the company paid portion. So, be prepared for that one. In other words, his company was furnishing and paying for life insurance and federal and state income taxes at my tax rate had to be paid. OUCH!
I also rolled over Don's 401K with his employer to an IRA and didn't have to pay taxes on that either.
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Peggy :
The one big downside to joint tenancy of the house is the huge income tax bite once you become the sole survivor and sell. Other than selling a house AND rolling the proceeds over into another primary residence, I don't know of any way to escape this tax bite. And, if you are a sole survivor with a house in a hot real estate market like SO CA, with the mortgage paid off, the tax bite on the house sale is HUGE as the capital gains dwarfs the allowable tax free amount ! Any SIMPLE suggestions as to how to solve this problem other than buying more real estate ?
Thanks.
Bill
Nope! I don't know how to solve that problem, but maybe somebody here that deals in taxes can answer. I do wonder if I sell it and don't buy more real estate, when I retire and my overall tax rate reduces, if the capital gains tax will also be reduced or if it's constant. Isn't there a "you-can-do-it-one-time clause without paying, or maybe it's up to a certain amount or something like that? It just seems I've heard some criteria on this issue somewhere.
Love,
Peggy
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Several people have asked about the things that need to be done when a loved one has passed. I'm posting this in General because what is done BEFORE is more important and what will make it easier after. And, I am a strong advocate that everyone should take care of these things below even if they are NED, cured, or don't have any disease at all. Don and I did these things long before he was diagnosed with cancer. I just wrote all of this below to one of our members in an email, so I thought it was a good idea to share it:
I cannot give legal advice. I am a paralegal and have done these things for others on my job, but have also done all these things first for my in-laws, then my parents, and of course Don. I have to be careful how I word things because my lawyer/boss/friend could get sued for malpractice if I give “legal advice”, and I could get sued for practicing law. He told me the way that I can help people without violating paralegal and lawyer ethics is to tell people what Don and I did in advance and what I did after.
The things we did applied only in Indiana. The procedures and laws are different in each state, but I have found they are almost always very similar.
Here are some things we did:
Before
Don and I had standard wills – everything went to each other first. If we died simultaneously, then everything went to our son. If our son was already deceased, then to our brothers and sisters share and share alike.
We had powers of attorney for each other (both durable and real estate).
We had blank HIPAA medical authorizations, signed but not dated, so we could get info on each other if it ever became necessary.
We had Living Wills and Appointment of Health Care Representative documents signed and dated.
We had everything jointly held so we did not have to probate in court in Indiana. It is called “Joint Tenants with Rights of Survivorship” – frequently abbreviated JTWRS. That’s how we had the deed to our home, our vehicles, our securities and our IRAs. What that means here is that we both owned 100% of everything, so if one died, the other owned 100%. So, at Don’s death, I owned everything 100% and Don’s estate was nearly zero. At the time of his death, our statute said we had to probate if the value of the estate is greater than $25,000. Since Don’s estate was nearly zero, I didn’t have to probate.
I did the same thing with my mom and dad. Then, when Mom died, Dad didn’t have to do anything in court. Also, when Mom died, Dad and I put everything he owned (trailer, lot, truck and checking account) in his and my name as JTWRS. When he died, I owned everything and not even a large credit card balance had to be paid because his estate was worth zero. Dad didn’t have much, but what was left I split equally with my brother and two sisters. That was what Dad wanted and we agreed to when we set up everything. He did have a little more than $25,000 net worth, which was mostly absorbed by paying for things we had to do to sell the trailer and pay some for his funeral bill because he didn’t have enough life insurance to cover it. If we had not put everything in JTWRS, I would have had to open an estate, and even though I work for an attorney, the costs of probating would have consumed every cent that was left after those things I just mentioned were paid.
Don and I also had credit cards in both our names. Guess what? I owned those 100%, too, so I still had to pay or make payments on those.
I still have not removed his name from those credit cards and don’t have to. I guess if we had known in advance we probably could have closed those accounts and moved the debt to a new credit card just in his name only, but I think a bank would have seen right through that and my butt would have been called into court.One other thing about the way Dad and I put his things in both names. There are some laws/rules in regard to doing things like that are done "in anticipation of death" – especially with Medicaid. I’m sure that Dad’s credit card company probably closely checked the date we put Dad's assets in both our names. It’s easy for them to do – all they have to do is check with the recorder’s office to get the date. Fortunately, Dad didn’t die for five years after Mom’s death. I’m not sure, but I think most places here have a 3-year “lookback” – especially Medicaid.
After (with JTWRS)
1. Life Insurance: I called the life insurance companies, got the necessary paperwork, followed their instructions and filed a claim. They all required an “original” certified death certificate. (I think I ordered 10 when I arranged the funeral). A couple of the ins. companies required an affidavit that I was the survivor identifying myself as the beneficiary.
2. License Plates: There was a form affidavit that I had to complete that I found online at our BMV that was needed to get the vehicles in my name. I completed that form and took that form and an original death certificate to the license branch. I also called the BMV ahead of time to be sure that I had everything I needed before I went and waited in the long lines.
3. Deed to the house: I haven’t done anything with this and don’t have to until the house is sold or I refinance. When that happens, all I will have to do is provide a copy of the death certificate and sign an affidavit that will usually be provided at closing.
4. Bank accounts: I haven’t done anything with these either to remove Don’s name. The banker told me I didn’t have to. When, or if, I remove his name from bank accounts, I’m sure all I will need is the death certificate and maybe an affidavit that I’m sure the bank will provide.
5. IRAs and 401K (I was the beneficiary): I simply called the institutions and they sent me instructions, papers to sign, and of course I again had to provide the death certificate and an affidavit.
After (without JTWRS)
Since our possessions were above the $25,000 level, if we had not had everything joint name or JTWRS, I would have been required by law to contact an attorney who would have opened an estate and probated Don’s will. If he had not had a will, the laws of intestate succession (instead of testate succession [with a will]), in Indiana, would have applied. I still would have had to do some of things listed above, but I also would have had attorney fees, filing fees, notices would have to have been published to creditors, and it would have taken many months to close the estate and make distribution.
If you are paying medical bills or debts, you might not have to do that, depending on the situation. I would suggest you contact an attorney that is experienced with probate and debtor/creditor laws about your requirements as far as paying those bills, especially if it is difficult for you to make those payments.
Hope that helps some of you.
Love,
Peggy
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OH MY GOSH! Cindy, I can't believe this poem. It is simply AWESOME. It describes EXACTLY what I have said for many years. I said those things when our baby died in 1982. I was so SICK of people telling me our baby was in a better place. And it happened, too, with Don and also made me want to SCREAM. The only thing that stopped me is that I knew then and know now that they meant well.
Just last week I told my counselor who is a Christian pastor, through sobs, that I was sick of people saying that. I know that Don is in a better place and I'm happy for him and rejoice at his salvation, but I'm sick of hearing it. I sure don't understand how knowing that is supposed to make me feel good. Don isn't the issue. The issue is ME. I'm the one that's stuck here. I'm the one that's all alone. I'm not the one dancing with the angels free from pain. I'm not the one living where there are no more tears or with the One who wiped away those tears forever.
Last week I did something I never would have done in my life until now. A lady in our office about my age lost her dad. I went up to her to express my sympathy and give her a hug. Right after I hugged her SHE said, "It's ok, he's in a better place now." I just blurted out, "And how does that help you, Sherry?" I then explained why I said that and she started to cry - which is EXACTLY what she needed to do rather than letting everybody think that SHE was ok because her dad was in a better place. She's not ok and she made it very clear at that moment that she isn't ok. I then got her to tell me about her dad. And I fully intend to ask her from time to time about her mom and her dad and to get to know her better. Then, when she's ready to talk about her pain, she will know that she will have at least one person that will listen.
God bless you, Cindy, for sharing that poem. I am going to copy it right now and send it to my pastor and the friends that I have been talking to. It's AWESOME!
Love,
Cindy
or I didn't hit submit. 
One of them wrote back to me and said, "This is a GREAT idea. I want to help make this happen." I am so happy and excited about this! 
1 month
in GRIEF
Posted
Hang in there, Carleen!
Love,
Peggy