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I haven't written anything here for a while but have checked in quite often. My mom has been gone for almost 5 months now and it feels like yesterday at times and then it feels like I have seen her in years. I miss her so much and it hasn't gotten better just different. Has anyone who lost someone to this dreadful thing feel like it is just a matter of time before this ugly monster strikes again and on them. I feel that everytime I go to the doctor they are going to say cancer and it is probably because a month and half after my mom died that I went for a routine mammogram, which I had put off for the year that my mother was sick because my mind was set on her and I put everything else on the back burner, so I went for the test and they called me back for another mammogram because they thought they saw something well they had to do a biopsy, which was done about the same time my mom had hers last year and thankfully mine turned out fine and the biopsy was normal and nothing to be concerned with but it brought back the memories which I still have but even stronger and which put me in a depression. Since then I think everytime I find something on my body, it could be just a mark and I think maybe its cancer. Do these feelings seem normal and part of the process of grieving? I miss my mother so much and I don't know how the holidays will be but I do know that I have to put on a happy face for my children because they are aware that Nana will not be there so I have to try to make it happy for them. If anyone has experienced what I am feeling please let me know. Thanks

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I think I feel the same as you to a certain degree. My mom ad small cell which I truely believe was cause from smoking,(50 yr. history). My grandmother had non-small cell,(my dad's mom). I don't dwell on the fact that I could be next, but I don't take any chances when it comes to check ups or anything like that. I only have to have a pap smear ever two yrs., but since ins. pays for one every year, I have it done every year. My doc. told me I COULD start having mamograms done in two years, but I don't have to. But, I will. Early detection is the key to any cancer, and if I could have an MRI or CT every year, I would probably, that is if ins. would pay! :D I'm 33 yrs. old and the thought of leaving my boys(4 and 6 yrs.) is so horrible I try really hard not to thing of it. Life must go on, and to do that, I think I have to live it like I did before my family members were diagnosed; as healthy as I can, and pray to God it does'nt hit me! Maybe my mom got it for a reason, to help the others in our family that do smoke to quit. If mom's death gets 2 or 3 of them to quit then it wasn't for nothing. Hang in there, hopefully things will get better!

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I can only add that I know exactly how you feel. I am convinced that I will be diagnosed with some form of cancer at some point and it is a terrible feeling to have. I too am very depressed over my father's death. It feels like forever that I have seen him and it's only been since March. My daughter is asking for him alot lately too. The reality that he is never coming back is too much sometimes. It is very different without him in or lives, and really, I don't like it at all.

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I feel the exact same way. since Robert died, I'm Alex's only parent. You know, I couldn't care less about life if Alex wasn't here but because he is here, I want to stay healthy for him for as long as he possibly needs me. I'm trying to think more about my health. I'm turning 40 next month and I think I'm going to try and turn a corner to healthy living. At least I will feel like I'm somewhat in control. I do know however that cancer strikes whenever it feels like it - smoker, non-smokers, drinkers, non-drinkers, skinny, fat, smart stupid - it gets us all if it wants us.

I also think i tis quite normal for us to be afraid/concerned with dying. We've been through hell.

Focus on the children of yours and just keep up on all medical tests you can have to keep your mind as clear as can be.

god bless.


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