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Going through the motions of living


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I have not posted here in a while. I have been very busy working to make a living. For a few weeks I had a part time job in town in the legal aide office. The work was new to me and interesting but in the long run it was costing me to work there. I was working only 3 and a half hours a day for minimum wage. As a consequence my unemplyoment was reduced adding the cost of gas to make that 40 mile round trip everyday put me in a possition where I was working hard, very tense and stressed and unable to make ends meet.

About a month ago I found out that one of my neighbors needed help at home. She is allowed so many hours a month by In Home Support. She asked me if I wanted the job and I accepted. At first the hours were the same as I was working in town. Given the price of gas I am actually earning more money than I was. Now my hours with her have increased and another one of my neighbors is getting into the program and I will be working for him. Hopefully soon I will be working full time and able to meet my obligations. I work very hard, much harder than I would have to so that keeps me in demand.

I try to come here as often as I can but that has gotten harder to do. One of my neighbors who is a diabetic has seemed to adopt me. I do enjoy her company at times but she seems to show up at all times and that interfers with many of the things that I want to do. I like her and don't want to be rude to her so I say nothing. Because of that I have a hard time juggleing my own house and yard work and the other things that I need to do. Many times when I have just come on here she shows up other times when I come on late at night Pam(Johnny's niece) comes on instant message so I have to sign off of the board to talk to her.

There are so many new people here and my time is so limited that I don't have time to get to know everyone. It saddens me deeply that so many find the need to be here and that I can not always be here to help give the support that they need. I look for news of some of our oldest members hoping to find out about one of those miracles that we all pray for and afraid that the news will not be that good. Like everyone I am deeply concerned about Dean Carl and anxioulsly await news from him. I have also noticed the absense of Carleen and Kieth and wonder what is going on with them as well as Grumpy One Lung and several others whose names seem to have slipped my mind at the moment.

When I let myself think and feel I have to face some very harsh facts. On December 2nd it will be two years sense my Johnny died. I am just as raw now as I was that first day. In some ways maybe more so. I work until I am so tired that I pass out at night. That keeps me from having too much time awake to think and feel the emptiness inside of me and the lonliness of a bed without him here to snuggle me. I have had so many extra ordinary experiences sense his death that I know that I am blessed to have his presence always with me but still sometimes my rational mind takes over and the doubts start to eat at my soul. What if I am wrong? What if the things I have seen and felt are just my mind playing tricks on me because I can not live with the loss without those things?

I know myself well enough to know that I am doing like I have always done. I use work as my defence aganist the pain in my life. I do have to work to survive but I could do the same work and not exhaust myself. Others do it without putting so much of themselves into it. I tell myself it is just not my nature to not give my all but deep down I know that work is my way to hide from myself and the things in life that I have trouble facing. So I work hard to survive and so that I am so tired that I don't have time to question why it is important to survive when most of the time I am just trying to forget that I am alive. I guess it is a vicious circle but one I can't escape. Maybe that is all just part of God's plan to get me to a point somewhere in the future when the images that haunt me won't be so vivid. Maybe too it is just His way of getting me through my life until I can once more be where I really want to be, in my Johnny's arms again.

These last weeks leading up to the aniversary of his death are so full of painful and beautiful memories that I am having a very hard time keeping them from overwhelming me. It is hard to keep up a pace that will not allow me to dwell on those imagaes but I keep trying. I have so many projects that I have started and I hope and pray that they along with my work will keep me too tired and too busy to let these dates put me into that depression that is always laying in wait for one moment with my guard down.

Please know that all of you are in my thoughts and prayers at all times. I think of you all as family. It makes no difference if you are still battling the beast of if like myself you are struggleing with a life that seems to hold no more dreams or promise. If anyone hears from Gay or Dean or Carleen or any of the others who seem to have gone missing please let me know.

Well I have to go now and get ready for work. Another long week awaits me. God bless and keep everyone of you. Lillian

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Lillian, we are all old friends. The kind that can disappear for months or years at a time and reappear with exactly the same intimacy as when you left. So don't worry about the absences. We miss you, but we love you just the same when you can drop by.

I am sorry things are so tough for you right now. Have you had any therapy? It is such a wonderful experience, at least it has been for me. It is like having a friend that listens and never talks back. How cool is that? It is so gloriously selfish and I know that I just feel better afterwards. I think your solution may be to take a couple of weeks off and really let yourself be immersed in your memories. And work through them all. Remember the horrible times at the end, but also the beautiful ones at the beginning and middle.

But don't worry about what normal is or supposed to be. You, my dear, were never meant to be normal anyway. You are much better than that. So don't expect this journey to be anything but the unique path that you and Johnny carved together for many years. He will always be with you, always on this path beside you. You will choose it and carve it together.

But the overwhelming sense I get from reading your post is that you need to take time for yourself to grieve again. Turn everything else off for a couple of days or weeks. You will come out the other end.

We all love you and have missed you. And we look forward to when you pop in again, no matter when that is.


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hi lillian, im new here and i'm sorry that youre having such a hard time. i cant help but worry about you that youre going to wear yourself out. i understand the need to keep busy-- just make sure you take care of you while you are. and as far as normal goes -- what is that?? especially when what we had was what was normal. god bless you, and know youre in my prayers.


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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you Curtis and Leah for your responses. It is nice to know someone still cares. Sorry I waited so long to respond but my time has been severly limited.

Curtis I no longer have the option of taking time off. I did that for months but now it takes every penny I can earn just to live and pay my bills. What I can earn is my only income. Unfortunately a job that should be one of the best paid (taking care of people and doing things for them that they can not do themselves) is one of the lowest paid. Just one more indication of our screwed up priorities in this old world today. Still it is the only job that I feel that I am not only very good at but it is where my heart is. So I plug along working hard trying to survive while doing what little I can for those who need my help.

As far as over doing it. I have done that all of my life but now this old body won't let me do near as much as I used to do. What a difference just a couple of years make. :!: I work hard but now I have to stop and rest for a while after a couple of hours. I can no longer work all day and into the night like I used to.

Tomorrow will be 2 years sense Johnny went into the hospital. He never returned home. He died on December 2, 2002. So many things happened those last weeks that each day has it's own special and painful memories. I have a very good memory so each detail is branded in my mind. I guess a good memory can be both a blessing and a curse. At least in my case it is.

I hope all of you find something special to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. I know everyone here is fighting a battle of one kind or another. For me I have to always be thankful that Johnny and I found eachother again even if our time together was so short. I can not even imagine a life that had never been shared with him at all. The greatest blessing we can have is the ability to love so deeply.

Take care all of you. I wish everyone here peace, hope and above all love. Love for those who have gone and love for those who you are furtunate enough to still have with you. Lillian

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I have been thinking of you the past few days. You are in my prayers. We as survivors somehow just keep on going don't we? It is not easy but we do go on and do what we have to in order to survive. And yes, like you, I have found I don't have the energy or stamina that I use to have before Randy died. Seems part of me is missing.

Somehow by the grace of God we manage to get through the days and get up the next and do it again.

You are in my prayers as I know these next few days will be intense for you. Just know you are not alone.

Take care my dear.

Praying for us all.


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