lilyjohn Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 I have not posted here in a while. I have been very busy working to make a living. For a few weeks I had a part time job in town in the legal aide office. The work was new to me and interesting but in the long run it was costing me to work there. I was working only 3 and a half hours a day for minimum wage. As a consequence my unemplyoment was reduced adding the cost of gas to make that 40 mile round trip everyday put me in a possition where I was working hard, very tense and stressed and unable to make ends meet. About a month ago I found out that one of my neighbors needed help at home. She is allowed so many hours a month by In Home Support. She asked me if I wanted the job and I accepted. At first the hours were the same as I was working in town. Given the price of gas I am actually earning more money than I was. Now my hours with her have increased and another one of my neighbors is getting into the program and I will be working for him. Hopefully soon I will be working full time and able to meet my obligations. I work very hard, much harder than I would have to so that keeps me in demand. I try to come here as often as I can but that has gotten harder to do. One of my neighbors who is a diabetic has seemed to adopt me. I do enjoy her company at times but she seems to show up at all times and that interfers with many of the things that I want to do. I like her and don't want to be rude to her so I say nothing. Because of that I have a hard time juggleing my own house and yard work and the other things that I need to do. Many times when I have just come on here she shows up other times when I come on late at night Pam(Johnny's niece) comes on instant message so I have to sign off of the board to talk to her. There are so many new people here and my time is so limited that I don't have time to get to know everyone. It saddens me deeply that so many find the need to be here and that I can not always be here to help give the support that they need. I look for news of some of our oldest members hoping to find out about one of those miracles that we all pray for and afraid that the news will not be that good. Like everyone I am deeply concerned about Dean Carl and anxioulsly await news from him. I have also noticed the absense of Carleen and Kieth and wonder what is going on with them as well as Grumpy One Lung and several others whose names seem to have slipped my mind at the moment. When I let myself think and feel I have to face some very harsh facts. On December 2nd it will be two years sense my Johnny died. I am just as raw now as I was that first day. In some ways maybe more so. I work until I am so tired that I pass out at night. That keeps me from having too much time awake to think and feel the emptiness inside of me and the lonliness of a bed without him here to snuggle me. I have had so many extra ordinary experiences sense his death that I know that I am blessed to have his presence always with me but still sometimes my rational mind takes over and the doubts start to eat at my soul. What if I am wrong? What if the things I have seen and felt are just my mind playing tricks on me because I can not live with the loss without those things? I know myself well enough to know that I am doing like I have always done. I use work as my defence aganist the pain in my life. I do have to work to survive but I could do the same work and not exhaust myself. Others do it without putting so much of themselves into it. I tell myself it is just not my nature to not give my all but deep down I know that work is my way to hide from myself and the things in life that I have trouble facing. So I work hard to survive and so that I am so tired that I don't have time to question why it is important to survive when most of the time I am just trying to forget that I am alive. I guess it is a vicious circle but one I can't escape. Maybe that is all just part of God's plan to get me to a point somewhere in the future when the images that haunt me won't be so vivid. Maybe too it is just His way of getting me through my life until I can once more be where I really want to be, in my Johnny's arms again. These last weeks leading up to the aniversary of his death are so full of painful and beautiful memories that I am having a very hard time keeping them from overwhelming me. It is hard to keep up a pace that will not allow me to dwell on those imagaes but I keep trying. I have so many projects that I have started and I hope and pray that they along with my work will keep me too tired and too busy to let these dates put me into that depression that is always laying in wait for one moment with my guard down. Please know that all of you are in my thoughts and prayers at all times. I think of you all as family. It makes no difference if you are still battling the beast of if like myself you are struggleing with a life that seems to hold no more dreams or promise. If anyone hears from Gay or Dean or Carleen or any of the others who seem to have gone missing please let me know. Well I have to go now and get ready for work. Another long week awaits me. God bless and keep everyone of you. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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