Struggling...

[Summer]

I'm not doing very well. My partner died last Wednesday and every day since then I've been trying to understand that he's gone. I go through the motions, somehow get through the day but feel that nothing I do has any purpose anymore.

My "special" song played on the radio at the exact time of his death, as I was driving to be with him, and I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of love for him. I had told him about this song and the way it makes me think of him several months ago. The song is about love eternal. His daughter was with him when he died, and although I initially was devastated over not being there, I now realize that I would not have had the experience I had in the car, as he had been sleeping for most of those last few days and passed quietly in his sleep. Could it have been a sign?

I so hope that there is some connection that remains... is there? I have read about those comforting signs that sometimes come.... so I went to bed cradling the cap he'd been wearing to keep warm, hoping to feel him close, hoping for a comforting dream, and had a nightmare instead, aliens coming after me...

The sadness is so all-consuming; I'm afraid that nothing will ever be right again.

[kimblanchard]

Summer, I am so sorry. About the dream - I had a dream of my husband but it was a while before it came. The first dream was of me being mad at him over something that happened before. The second dream was more comforting, a dream of heaven.

A medium told me some people can come through as soon as 2 weeks but most people it takes far longer for them to get oriented over there and focus enough to send a sign. I don't know the reason for things but that song was very meaningful. It is still very early for you and for me, too. I think we both have to go through a big ole' long period of weird feelings - numbness, shock, disinterest, sadness, everything. It is very soon for you.

I am sending you a PM, check your mail. Hugs, Margaret

[DeanCarl]

Summer,

Nothing will ever be "the same" again. But there WILL come a time when things are "right" again. When that happens, how that happens, no one can really say. It's different for all of us. But that time DOES come.

Don't be concerned whether or not your doing "well". And please don't get wrapped up with how you "should" or "shouldn't" be feeling or acting. You are where you are and that is where you are supposed to be right now. It's been such a short time since your partner has left. There is much to do emotionaly, and much of it is painful. But it will get done. Tomarrow, the next day, a week or month from now things will be different. And, after more time, different yet again. Until you come to a place and time where the REAL connection to your loved one, your memories of you and him together, will bring smiles rather than tears.

To over state the obvious, the road you walk today is not an easy one. But many have walked it before you and many right here on this board are willing to walk it again with you.

Finally: The sadness can only consume you if you decide to let it. Feel it, embrace it as a symbol of your love for him and then, when it is time, let it go.

You are in my prayers.

Dean

[kimblanchard]

I agree with Dean's advice completely. I think it is important to feel the sorrow as deeply as you can. To almost lose yourself within it.

The capacity we have to feel is the same for all emotions, and thus the capacity we have for sorrow in this time is the same as the capacity for joy or for love later.

Know that you are not alone in this journey. Too many have blazed a trail in front of you. You feel alone, but take solace in that others have been where you are and ultimately thrived. I know you can't see that now. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and know the path can lead to healing.

Curtis

[paddy]

Dear Summer,

My heart goes out to you. I'm afraid there is no "quick fix" for this grieving thing. Like the other's say you really have to let yourself feel it to get through it.

I find the intervals between my breakdowns get longer as time goes on, although sometimes something will happen and out of the blue I am back at "square one again!"

Don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling or that you should be "getting over it by now" etc, take as long as you need to mourn. I am hoping you will soon be feeling stronger.

Much love and many prayers go out to you,

Paddy.

[lilyjohn]

It has been not quite two and a half years sense I found myself where you are now. Beyond a doubt it was the most difficult time of my life. I know that right now nothing anyone says can really bring you comfort. I felt that life and everything about it had lost purpose. There was no reason to go to bed and even less to get up each day. I felt like I had some wild animal inside of me eating it's way from the inside out.

Time does make it better. You will never really heal but you will learn to cope with the change in your life and it is when you accept that that things do start to get better. There is no time limit on grief and pain. As time passes you will find that the most severe pain comes less often. Even now after so long I still have days that are just like they were in those first days and weeks. I have learned that when those times come it is best to just let them take over for a while. Let the tears flow and bury yourself in the memories for a while. Then start thinking about the next minute or hour. After a while you will be able to think about tomorrow. I still don't allow myself to look too far into the future. That is just too frightening. Imagining a life without the one who is so much a part of you is just too much.

Eventually you will find that reaching out to others who are going through what you have will help. Helping will bring back all of those painful memories but it will make you feel like something is coming from experience besides the terrible pain and loss you feel now.

As for sleeping with his cap. Never be ashamed of that. It brings you a small measure of comfort and that is what you need. I still sleep snuggled with Johnny's robe every night. It is a habit that I just can't seem to break.

My first unusual experience that made me feel that Johnny was still with me took place the day after his death. I have been fortunate to have had many extra ordinary experiences sense his death. Still I question myself about them. There is always that small seed of doubt. I am always looking for conformation that he is still with me. These experiences and expectations are talked about much more openly today than just a few years ago. I think that is a very good thing but I also know that there are some things that we are probably never meant to be totaly sure of. I think that is because there are some things that we just have to take on faith.

My heart truly goes out to you. I know only too well how lost you are feeling. May God give you what you need to get through today and then again tomorrow. There is not much else that we can ask for but as time passes you will see that as hard as it has been you are still a surviver and that is what it is all about.

[Summer]

I have read your replies many times now, and find comfort each time. Thank you. I know that after time it gets easier, I've seen it in people I know who have lost a loved one. Wish I could take a shortcut. Instead, each little reminder, the firsts, the memories, cupboards full of health food, left over supplements, clothes, smells, make for many moments of sadness each day. The memories feel painful rather than joyful; I miss him.

The memorial service was yesterday. It was a wonderful day filled with love and appreciation for the many beautiful memories all of us will always have. We were able to fulfill a special wish he had and added other touches that he would have liked - and perhaps saw. Once home, I cried most of the night. Seems he's really gone now. Up to yesterday he was still there in all the arrangement-making. I am dreading the time that comes now. Much to do, and I can't afford to procrastinate about it - for finanical reasons my son and I will need to find a smaller home, and I will return to work next month.

One good thing: Our cat has been lavishing extra attention on me, bless his little kitty heart.