How to give a cat a pill

[Cindy RN]

How to give a pill to a cat and a dog

CAT:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding

a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's

mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill

in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to

close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left

arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear

paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of

mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call

spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and

rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head

firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill

down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make

a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered

figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just

visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force

mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer

to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood

from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another

beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head

showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat

with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.

Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold

compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.

Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the

road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to

avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine

and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning

gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet

steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water

down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the

emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm

and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way

home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet

shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG:

1) Wrap it in cheese

[cindi o'h]

TimmyTom is sitting here so cute with his paws crossed, looking at me perplexed as to why I am laughing my butt off this time!

Memories!

Cindi o'h