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Wedding--So many emotions


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Last week I attended the wedding of my nephew's son. That led to a lot of emotions that I wasn't really prepared for at the time but I managed with only slighty more tears than a wedding would normally bring.

I had looked forward to and dreaded this wedding for months ever sense I got the invitation. The directions were for 50 miles North of Redding and 11 and a half miles up a road to the top of the mountain. Knowing the territory here and how much higher it is North of here I was not looking forward to that "up the mountain" part. I dreaded that part of the trip but never even thought about some other things that I would have to face until it hit me.

My brother stopped to pick me up and seeing him was good. I lived so many years not seeing my parents or siblings for years at a time. My brother is just a few months older than Johnny and I keep remembering when we were young. He was the one I always turned to but he is also the one who told me I was chasing a dream from my youth when I told him I was going to Johnny. So speaking about the emotions the wedding brought up was out of the question.

The first part of the trip is on the interstate and on the way I remembered the trip up to Washington on that same highway knowing that Johnny was waiting for me and that he was very sick at the time (3 days later I had to call 911 because he had pneumonia). It was so easy to imagine that he was waiting for me again and so heartbreaking to know that was only a dream and a trick of my emotions.

We checked into our motel in Mt. Shasta City right at the base of the mountain. The country there is breathtaking and those emotions were really starting to work on me before we made the drive to the lodge for the rehearsal. That was when the "up the mountain" came into play. The road is very narrow and "up" is the discriptive word. It took us 45 minutes to go eleven and a half miles and we were really never sure that we were on the right road. I tried not to look at the drop off on the side or think about the trip down that night in the dark. Just getting up there was enough to start with.

Now this is a road in the forest, a narrow winding road and it is fire season here in California. It was just a few days more than a year that I had to evacuate up a mountain road very similar to the one we were on, the only difference being that we had to go further but the road was wider. About one third of the way up this road we were on there were two fire trucks parked on the side of the road. Now I couldn't stop thinking about the fire last year and the road that we were on. The thought of a fire and having to go even further on that road was something that had my nerves on edge. I didn't realize how badly that fire had traumatized me until then.

I remained nervous about the road and the thought of fire each time we went up there, that first evening and the next day for the wedding. Once there it was a very beautiful place. A small lodge with 5 or 6 cabins nestled in the woods. The ceremony was outdoors in a small meadow and very beautiful.

Now back to some other emotions. I woke up the morning of the wedding thinking about the kind of wedding that Johnny and I would have had had he lived long enough. Those thoughts were in my mind when a train whistle caught my attention. It was almost more than I could take. The pain hit me like a hammer. The first time I went to see Johnny after so many years of seperation it had been by train. The morning of the day that I had arrived there I had awakened as we traveled by Mt.Shasta. I remember how beautiful the autum leaves were and the water rushing by in the river below. The train that I was hearing was that same train and the memory of that day stabbed at my heart.

The words of the wedding ceremony were not the traditonal words but those written by the bride and groom. There was nothing about obey but words about trust, sharing and growing together. Words that described so well what mine and Johnny's relationship was all about. I felt bad that I couldn't just see the wedding as a family celebration and enjoy it for that reason. I know that my mind should not have been wandering back to the past or to what might have been but there was no way to stop it. That leaves me wondering again if my life will ever be normal again. If there will ever come a time when I can have and experience that doesn't remind me again of how much I have lost. This ache for Johnny has become a part of me and I know that I will always live with it.

Now I want to update a few things. Everyday I see more and more how God works in my life. When I start to worry about something a solution always comes up with little or no effort on my part. Each day I thank God for what He has given me and each day I ask Him for what I need to get me through the day. He always comes through for me. I have been struggling with thoughts of my Fall and Winter schedule because I will have to cut my hours back. Driving up here at night is out of the question for me. I just can't see that well at night. I don't want to lose any of my clients nor do I want to get back to where I was a few months ago financially. Monday I talked to my boss and she has already got a tenative schedule for me. One that I never thought about that lets me keep my clients and not loose much of my income. It will also get me home by 4 or 4:30 each day. That will start in two weeks giving me time at home before dark for a few weeks to enjoy my home and yard. I know that God is taking care of me. Helping with the plans that I could never forsee on my own.

There is one more thing that I want to mention. Something that so far I am very proud of. I have not had a cigarette in 10 days!!!!!! It is not easy but this time I have made up my mind. I will not say that I am quiting. I know how weak I can be where they are concerned. I will just say for now that I am not smoking. Monday was one of the hardest days for me because I always looked forward to that first smoke when I got off of work. I also realized that was the only thing that I ever really do look forward to. I was so tempted to buy a pack but I resisted and came home. There are no stores here so I got past that day and yesterday I found no temptation. So now I stand at ten days smoke free. Please pray for me that I will not lose my determination.

I am looking forward to my shorter hours hoping to not only catch up on some things around home but also on reading the messages on this board. I feel like I am lost when I try to read because there are so many new people. In the mean time I just want all of you to know that you are never far away from my thoughs and always in my prayers. Lillian

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Lil...as always, such a great post! You have such a great way with words and your stories always manage to "come alive" while I am reading. Wow, I can imagine that a wedding would be very hard for me also. I have my youngest sons wedding coming up next July and I know how tough that will be without his father in attendance. I just want you to know how proud I am of you! You have come such a long way since that first post you made on this board. I can remember how very bitter you were about Johnny's death and how deep your pain was! You have over come so many obstacles and are definitely to be commended for your strength and your convictions. I am very proud of your for not smoking for the past 10 days! Just keep it up and know that positive thoughts and hugs will be coming your way!!!!

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As usual, everything came alive in your post. I am glad you made it through the wedding and now that you have some good news about your work. How glad I am for you.

More importantly, I am impressed and proud of you for not smoking. I have been trying to quit too. I have not gotten quite as far as you but I am working on it. I will get there. (Katie, send me the link too please.)

You go girl!!!


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Lil, first I want to say--I'm so proud you haven't smoked in 10 days--how wonderful :!: You are a strong person. And, my heart aches for you and your hurt, and emptiness. It is so hard to lose your soulmate. I know how you feel. I, also, find in the evening looking at the beautiful skies and sunsets--I become emotional. I think of Mike and how much I miss him. And of all the sunsets we will not share. I try to remain positive but at this point in my life, I'm not. Right now, it is hard to be happy. I wish you the best, and continued healing. I am praying for you. God bless,Nancy C

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