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Feeling Really Bad!


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Well,Today is April 1st one year ago today was the day we found out my Dad had Cancer. I new in my heart that one day my Father would lose his battle with Cancer, but I sure didn't think it would be 7mts later. I'm so hurt today, I kinda feel sorry for myself and I really don't want to be around anyone. I think my Friends are starting to get a little annoyed with me but I can't help the way I feel. But some people just don't get it and I hate when people tell me it's time to move on, how could I move on when my heart is broken. Is this normal? And what really upsets me is when I think about all he went through and he died.. I think I need to get help! I have been a terrible mother and wife and I know my Father would be really upset if he new that I wasn't being the best mother I could be to the boys, but I can't help it. My Dad Loved me and my sister but once his Grandchildren came they were #1 and he just loved them so much and they loved him just as much.. Sorry for rambling I hope this make sense but the tears are keeping me from seeing the screen. Thanks for listening! :cry::cry:

All of you have been such a big help to me Thank you so much.

Love Michele

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Michele You joined the same day that I laid My wife to rest after nearly a 3 year battle with LC. We tried everything and the day she passed she was supposed tostart a new regiment of Chemo. The Last Regiment available. I understand how you feel. I have days where I am the same way. I do not have any children but have our beloved DaisyDawg who is kinda like our big baby. You are not a bad mother. You are going through a very difficult process and I do not think anyone will disagree with that. Focus on good memories with the Boys & their Grandfather. Think about the great times you all had together. LC is not an easy disease to deal with because of the timeline and that you never know. We didn't expect anything. I know there are good days and bad days. we all have them as survivors of losing a loved one. Someone recommended a website called BeyondIndigo.com to help with grief. I am not an expert and never stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. Remember you sare not a bad mother. Never Think that. I am not sure what else I can say but know that you will get more advice soon on this subject. I will say a prayer for you and your family. Keep in touch and post whenever and whatever you want if it helps. It helps me a lot just to write here. Many prayers.

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Oh, Michele,

I am so sorry. These anniversaries just suck. I always told my mom that I would much rather remember my dad's birthday than the day he died. Now that my mom is gone, I'm sure it will be hard to follow my own advice. You know in your heart that your dad would want you to be the best mom and wife you can, but give yourself some credit--it hasn't been that long. My 4 year old twins see me cry all the time. In fact by now, they're used to it. I just had a baby on the 6th and I cry into his clothes all the time. I just can't believe my mom didn't make it to see Ian. I would give anything to be able to put him into her arms.

I know exactly what you're saying; my mom lived for her grandchildren when they were born. I'll never forget when my twins were born, she said, "Erin, you were a beautiful baby, but Saoirse, she is just beyond stunning." Now THAT is really something!! She just LOVED that little girl. My mom lived with us and it meant the world to me that my kids were able to say goodnight and kiss her every night. I grew up for 14 years in my own grandparents' house and I know how influential and important they were in my life, and it was so important for my mom to be VERY involved in my kids' lives. The thought of them not having her just makes me sick sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm okay. Other times, I realized I'm facing the rest of my life without her and I feel like someone is wrapping something around my neck and squeezing it tighter and tighter.

Don't you EVER let ANYONE tell you it's time to move on. Who could be so insensitive? They couldn't possibly be an authority on the time frame it takes to grieve a loss of this magnitude. My husband has been absolutely incredible through all of this, and he told me he's not going to push me on ANYTHING--meaning grieving, cleaning out my mom's room, moving on with the legalities (I am an only child so all of the responsibility is solely resting my my shoulders), crying, whatever. I think that anyone who insinuates that you need to "move on" in ANY time frame is toxic, and need to be treated as such. I made a vow to myself to remove all of these types of people from my life, if only temporarily, for self-preservation's sake. You really do need to do what is best for yourself right now. Take care of YOU. You can't be a good mom or wife if you aren't good to yourself first. I know how hard it is when we are trying to play a thousand different roles and grieve in between the seconds, but it's something you NEED to do for yourself. If that means getting help, so be it. And by all means, don't let anyone judge you on THAT, either.

This will all fall into place eventually. I firmly believe that. I didn't understand why my grandma had to die three weeks before my wedding. I still don't. And my mom died three weeks before Ian's birth. My grandma died 11 years ago. Her death put me into the hospital for three weeks and on meds for almost 3 years. And now, sometimes I feel guilty for NOT grieving for my mom every minute. And others, the sense of her loss is so immense I don't think I can actually live the next 50+ years without her.

As I said, you certainly know what your dad would want, but putting yourself into a place where you feel capable of fulfilling all of these roles is eaiser said than done at most times. It's all a matter of how YOU feel. I told my family and friends that I have very definite ideas of the roles I want each of them to play in my life. My best friend was really wanting me to cry on her shoulder, until I told her I wanted her to be someone to take my mind off of things by telling jokes, etc. I want my husband to be the one who is that shoulder for me. I WANTED to feel bad, sad, grief, depression. I wanted to surround myself with my mom's things and smell them constantly. I wanted to lie in bed and not take a shower for days and watch meaningless junk on TV. I wanted to do it for a lot longer than I could have, but I had to go and deliver this baby ;) Again, it's all a matter of what YOU want. And when you feel like you don't want to do this anymore, you make that decision. If you can't get yourself out of it, then you get help. I always say that depression is like quicksand for me, I feel myself sinking and I can usualyl pull myself out, but there are some times when it has sucked me in too far that I can't get out. When you feel that way, it's time to get help.

Take care of yourself, Michele.

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