I feel so Alone Tonight!!!

[rinksgal]

I realize no one propobably understands me, but then again maybe someone will...Darrell went to get his next to last radiation treatment today, and he always sees his radiation oncologist on Tuesdays, but being he was on vacation he was to see him today, which is wednesday. I

started back to work on Monday, having the summer off... I work for the school system.. Anyways Darrells oncologist ordered a diagnostic ct scan to be done today too... When I got home from work he wasn't home...I got worried I called everyone I knew and his cell phone but got no answer. I called and called, and finally hours later got him, and he was ok, but today was a long day for him, just waiting.....nothing wrong... We "Thought that we wouldn't find out the results of this test until Next wednesday!" But his radiation oncologist once he found out the regular oncologist ordered this told him he'd see him tomorrow and go over the results... So I called my boss and I have tomorrow afternoon off....Anyways During Darrells wait he talked to someone who was getting the same test he was getting and also found out this guy has the same doctor he has. Except he has sclc. This guy told him hes been receiving chemo for a year, and that hes done 40 treatments of radiation, some to the head as a preventative treatment.... He said he was tired of doing chemo and needed a break, even thought his wife and kids wouldn't be happy about this...Darrell asked him if the doctor had given him a prognosis and he said they won't give you any answers and that hes pretty much decided hes gonna die, its just a matter of when... This has had me so upset ever since, because I guess I inside I feel lung cancer is gonna take Darrell's life, its just a matter of how long....6 months, 2 years, or 5 years or what.....I don't want to think this way, but its hard not too... Everyone talks about survival, but how long is a survival ???? I want him around forever, but thats unrealiztistic, no one has forever, but to me our life has only begun!! I want more time, I also want quality, not just quanity, because to me to want quanity means I'm being selfish!!!! This guy told him hes sick of being sick, so whats a life for our loved ones feeling sick all the time!!?????? Are they only hanging on for us??? Are they only doing their treatments for us???? I don't mean to sound so down, but I am down!!! I've cried and cried tonight, because I'm scared and I feel so alone!! Darrell has always been such a possitive person, and after talking to this guy, I think it made him realize treatment is only prolonging his life... I want to know everything, but a part of Darrell doesn't! He has never handled any kind of negativity!! and this is the most negative thing hes ever had to deal with in his life!!! and sometimes he deals, and other times he wears blinders, but I guess thats his way of dealing with it, by not dealing with it...Am I making any sense at all????? I doubt it!!! He thinks the ct scan will say cancer free now, even though they told us not to exspect much change at this time.. The oncologist told us he "Will be doing more chemo" but Darrell refuses to remember that, why does he not remember things I know they said??? They even said two more series of chemo, but with different drugs, Darrell says he only want to think about that radiation is done tomorrow...I do understand this, but hell I don't know!! Its almost midnight and I have to get up a little before 4:00am....for work! I wish I was still off work, I hate it that I've gone back to work!! I want to be with him all the time!!! I want him back the way he was before this horrible disease tore into our lives!!! I "Miss Him" Sometimes I feel so lonely!! This is such a horrible thing to say when hes going through such hell, but I feel so damn lonely inside and so tore up!!! I want him back, I Hate fu**ing cancer so damn bad!!! I feel so tore up inside!!! I want his cancer to go away and bring back the man I fell in love with and need!!! I haven't lost it for awhile, I guess its my night to lose it!!! I need him and love him so much!! Why does this evil thing have to "STEAL" our lives!! Why does it take away our happiness as we once knew it???? I'm sorry for writing another book, I'm so good at that sometimes!! Just when I thought my drugs were working!! I love this man more than anything, can he survive this??? Am I fooling myself to think he can??? I do I want him to live so bad that maybe I'm wearing blinders by thinking that maybe he can make it, and have some quality to his life, or is he gonna hang on and on just to be here, but not really exsist??? Got I sound so rude and so nuts!!!! I JUST WANT HIM TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY HIS LIFE AGAIN!!!!! Is this possible????? I've got to get to bed its almost midnight here!!! Good Night for now, God I pray his ct scan shows some change!!! It has to, right????? You can't go through 12 days of chemo and 28 days of radiation and have no change, right???

[Anniemac]

Oh, I know exactly how you feel. You are never alone--all the spouses feel the same way. I want my life back. I want to see Tim the way he was and I worry that he will never be that person again.

The memory problem is probably "chemo brain" as our onc calls it. He told us that Tim would start putting his keys in the fridge and forgeting lots of things. He sure does. We went to Social Security today to start disability. He couldn't remember so many things the guy must have thought he was crazy. The man asked Tim what was the last job he worked and he told him he was a chimney sweep. That was more than 20 years ago. He was a satellite dish installer with his own company when he got sick---I guess he remembered he was up on roofs but that was all. Of course after he said it he knew it was wrong, but where do these thing come from??

I hate cancer and what it does to families. This is not how we planned our life. This is not what was supposed to happen. I don't know how long Tim and have left together and I try to tell myself that no one ever does and we could all be hit by a bus--blah blah blah. This is so much more immediate. This is something we have to live with 24 hours a day. Things can go wrong. I want to grow old with my husband. This is not fair.

So we all just go on. What choice do we have? I'm sorry you have to go back to work. I worry about Tim all the time when I'm at work, but we have to eat, so off to work I go. It's like living in hell and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Have you or your husband read Lance Armstrong's book? I just listened to it on audiotape (while I drive around all day). It gave me hope that if he could beat this, then we can too. He had it much worse that Tim does--mets to lungs and brain and everywhere--and they almost killed him with the aggressive chemo. But it worked. And it can work for us too.

Annie

[s_meksvanh]

I was touched by your heart felt posting. Cancer may kill the man you love but as you have already uncovered it cannot kill the love that you have for him.

No one understands the fleeting beauty of the moment better than the artist who uses sidewalks as his canvas. You see - life is precious because like the painting on the sidewalk, it is here but for a fleeting moment. I therefore urge you to take in all of the beauty of your life together, no matter how brief it may be, and choose to see none of the flaws.

God has blessed you with the gift of one another. Be ever so humble by accepting the good with the bad and know that all is well now and forever.