one month today

[Mskim]

Oh how I miss her. I dreamed she called me, and then came over. It was quite a gift. I told her I loved her and missed her so much and she said the same.

I wish I could go back to sleep and recapture it.

It was one year ago this week that mom went to the dr for pneumonia and her chest xray showed a mass. She pushed to get her IV out by Friday so we could go camping for Memorial Day. We did go and I rememeber how weak she was and the feeling of dread that I had about the news from the Dr.

I knew in my heart it would be cancer.

We were suppose to go to the same place camping this weekend. My step dad called Wednesday night and cancelled. I wasn't real excited about going anyway because I knew it would be tough but I was so disappointed too.

I feel like if whats left of my family doesnt try harder to get together all the words spoken about sticking together were in vain.

I wish my mom was here I miss her so so so much. My heart just hurts.

Kim

[ma's kid]

I don't think we ever stop *missing* them, Kim but your dream really was a gift! This Sunday would of been my dad's 84th birthday and I am so hoping he comes to me in my dreams...

I know you are hurting and please know you are in my prayers..praying for comfort.

Libby

[hollyanne]

Kim -

I started crying when I read your post. I am so sorry that you lost your mom -- there are too many daughters of lung cancer on this board. I miss my mom terribly as well..yet I can tell you that the "rawness" will lessen. At the "one month mark," I still didn't think I would make it til the next day, but it has gotten easier. My memories of her dying have been replaced by memories of how she lived her life.

Consider yourself so blessed to have had that dream -- I had one where she told me "I am better, you don't need to worry about me at all." -- I, too didn't want to wake up.

Oh Kim, it just stinks, yet I do promise that you will have more good days than bad days as time moves on. You will never stop missing her. I think about my mom 10-15 times a day, yet I don't cry every time anymore.

Love,

Holly

[eppie]

Oh Kim I know lots abut how you must feel. I hope you can get back to enjoying things like you used to do before. It is important. Lately I have been indulging in the saddness. I don;t recommend it. So I am going to hurry up with my chores and get out in the sun. i want to do some dancing and visiting with nice folks. Tomorrow my son marches in his first parade. Time marches on.....but

I am just a few days past the 2 month marker and I brick by brick the fascade of holding it together is falling.

I cry lots ...in showers and in the car. In front of the computer as I write to all of you. WHen I read the stories of fear and desperation. (Happy tears when someone has a good day and good scans and new babies).

I hate it when a collegue mentions that they only just heard about my loss and are so sorry. I know they mean well but the mortar has been loosened and I am vunerable to another tremor of saddness.

I have relatives i am avoiding because i know I will just cry and cry at the sound of their voice. I just hear their hurt and mine screams in recognition.

This hurts and it hurts differently than when it happened.

But it is hurt.

I will never be the same.

[mamasbabygirl]

(((((KIM))))))

Your love for your mom is forever and hers for you. I am sending you a huge cyberhug, hope it helps.

[Jodi]

Hi Kim,

I can totally relate....I can't believe it still! My mom passed away, one day before your beloved mother, so I know how you feel. Holly is a wonderful person to correspond with (you probably already know this ), about your feelings and stages of grief. So many beautiful, supportive people, on this site! It is a blessing, that we have this, isn't it? My heart goes out to you Kim, and please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,

Jodi