Larry Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 >>MERRY CHRISTMAS and Thanks for all the Forwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > >>My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the >>time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. >> >>I want to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and a >>very prosperous New Year. >> >>Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. >> >>Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shi_ in the glue on >>envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need >>to seal an envelope. >> >>Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because >>of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove >>toilet stains and may eat my guts out as well. >> >>I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these >>products are atheist bastards who refuse to put "Under God" on their >>cans. >> >>I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer. >> >>I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be >>pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. >> >>I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a >>water buffalo on a hot day. >> >>I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone might drug me with a >>perfume sample and rob me. >> >>I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS or Fed Ex >>since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. >> >>I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a >>number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, >>Singapore, and Uzbekistan. >> >>I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible >>mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. >> >>I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my >>free replacement pair from Nike. >> >>I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I >>now have their recipe. >> >>I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count, I have 363,214 >>angels looking out for me in addition to all of you dear friends. >> >>Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I >>forward an e-mail to seven hundred of my friends and make a wish within >>five seconds. >> >>I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is >>about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). >> >>I no longer have any money at all -- but that will change once I >>receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for >>participating in their special e-mail program. >> >>Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now >>return the favor during 2007! >> >>If you don't send this dumb e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the >>next seven minutes, a large flock of pigeons with a wicked case of >>diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CST) this afternoon and >>crap all over you. >> >>I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my >>next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's third cousin's >>beautician. >> >>Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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